Sex, Drugs

I'm all in favor of legalizing drugs! If someone wants to kill themselves by taking drugs, fine by me. That leaves more good air for the rest of us to breath. - Ed Mann, my 11th grade Science teacher.

As I reported in an earlier post, I don't give two shits about the Olympics. I understand that it's a huge deal to the athletes who train all their lives just to compete for a shot at glory in some international city, but for me it's not such a big deal. 97% of the sports that are showcased are sports that people only care about while the Olympics are occuring and afterwards, track, water ballet, gymnastics, weight lifting and high speed dreidl spinning end up returning to hellish obscurity for another three and a half years. That being said, I care even less about what the Olympic athletes do in their spare time.

The drug addicted world of international olympic sport found yet another violator of it's "anti-drug" policy when America's newest golden boy Michael Phelps was "caught" sucking on a bong, smoking a green substance that MAY be marijuana. An uber-small percentage of American citizens were shocked and his once-tephlon image that before was this:

has now turned to this (puff.. puff... pass...)

My question is simply Why? He's 23, sowing his youthful oats and living his life the way he wants. Very few among us have lives a truly purified life, and those of you who have need to be confined to a nut house for the rest of your days! Unfortunately the fallout from this picture is beginning; first, the half hearted apology for his "regretful decision-making", then sponsors consider walking away with Kellogg's being the first of many to come. Now, Phelps might be facing drug charges stemming from the picture because some puritanical S. KKKarolinian sheriff didn't enjoy his college years, and in turn wants Mike to suffer for enjoying his. Booo that man!!! The sheriff- not Mike.

In a bit of hilariously related sports news, the nation's switch to digital television took a bit of an obscure step backwards when Super Bowl watching fans in Arizona were suddenly subjected to at least 30 seconds of the Club Jenna porn station...UNSCRAMBLED during the fourth quarter!!! One prudish woman was quoted as saying, "I was in a state of shock. I am totally disgusted." and rightfully so! No one watches the Super Bowl expecting to see the human anatomy in all its fine glory, but no one expected the Cardinals to be in the Super Bowl either. I can understand if her kids were watching and then all of a sudden they got their first taste of Ron Jeremy cinema at its finest. Can you imagine all the conversations that popped up in the family room after that?!?!

"Ummm, Daddy, what was that?"

"Uhhh, uhhh...."

"Daddy, what happened? What was that thing going into that lady?"

"Uhhhh, uhhhhh...."

"Daddy, did that lady get hurt?"

"Uhhhh, uhhh...."

"Mommy do you like watching stuff like this?"

"No honey, why do you ask?"

"Well, Daddy does when you're spending the weekend at Auntie Vanessa's..."

I mean, how do you explain this one to your six or seven year old? Initial reports suggest that it was a deliberately malicious act by some sabateur. Personally, I think some guy (or gal) was in the local station jerking the magic stick in the control room and accidently pushed the wrong button subsequently beaming the porn to millions of Arizonans. Think about which theory makes more sense! Who in their right mind would deliberately sabotage their relatively secure job in this fucked up economy just for a laugh?

In all this media hoopla, there's a couple of huge ironies to me. Firstly, the naked human body (male or female) is a beautiful creation in my opinion. Whether individual bodies are "beautiful" or not is up to debate, but the human body itself is a perfect work of art from top to bottom. Why is it that we feel the need to hide it behind blackouts and scrambles on television and in magazines? The irony is that America is completely infatuated with the horrible things that occur in the world rather than the beautiful. Daily, we're inundated with violent images and never seem to have a problem seeing the images of dead people lying in the streets of Baghdad or explosions that wipe out entire city blocks, but when a part of the human anatomy is flashed across the screen, all HELL breaks loose and the FCC wants to impose insane fines on news stations for indecent material. People always slow down at car accidents hoping to get a glimpse of someone's severely damaged car (and possibly the driver's damaged body) but seeing a penis or a breast is so horrific!

Secondly, most of the folks who were appalled by the images of Phelps getting high and/or Jenna's porn station are more than likely people who have at one time a) tried weed and/or b) seen a naked body and/or c) had sex. Plain and simple. Don't get me wrong, I understand the outrage of a parent having to explain why they like porn earlier than expected, but I'd rather explain what sex is to my child than explain why there are kids her age in Gaza who have been killed by tanks.

Now, as a parent I want to teach my child early on about sex and drugs, and I plan on teaching her the "right way"- whatever that is. That way, all misconceptions and mysteries about them are gone by the time she starts having those conversations with her friends. It'll go something like this:

"Naimah, weed is ok. It's a natural plant and all four of your grandparents smoke it! (No teenager wants to do anything remotely similar to what their grandparents do!) If you're 18 and you want to smoke a little weed every now and then- fine, but don't you DARE try any other drug or I'll kill you! Sex is off limits until you're 35. If I catch you anywhere near a boy before then, I'll kill him and chain you to your mother!"

Do you think she'll have issues?

OK, ok, I'll do it the right way, I promise!

WTF

I hate to do it considering what today is (MLK Day/Obama Day Eve), but it's time for another installment of What the Fuck. Normally, my WTF's consist of blatantly odd, disgusting or incomprehensible news from around this planet of ours and invariably leads me to do a lot of cursing. This time however, despite N. Korea claiming (again) to have build a nuclear weapon, Israelis and Palestinians (again) bombing the hell out of each other, and the fact that I have to go to work in the morning (AGAIN!), the news is strangely odd in a good way, which will keep me from cursing too much. Let's just say that the underlying theme of today's post is "things I never thought I'd see in my lifetime". Bear with me.....

Obamaday 2009

Today we celebrated the birthday of one of the greatest men to walk the earth (even though today ain't his birthday) and tomorrow we celebrate the swearing in of the nation's first African American president. I NEVER thought I'd see this day, and here it is, less than 24 hours away. I called my grandmother on the night of the election in November and heard her cry tears of joy that she was able to see Obama get elected and it meant more to her that it will EVER mean to me. She had endured the humiliation of Jim Crow's segregationist ways. She protested during the Civil Rights Movements and joined the Congress Of Racial Equality. She had witnessed the transformation of the country from the shell of what it should have been into the great, beautiful place it has become. There is little doubt that we as a country have made great strides from 50 years ago, and no one is more proud than me that my lack of high expectations has been proven wrong, I just hope Obama does a good job while he's in office. Because if not, it'll be another Martin Luther King and another 200 before another African American is elected president! :)

He did WHAT?

Speaking of presidents, I don't like the one we have today (that is until the new one is sworn in). Being that I don't like him, it makes it very difficult for me to admire anything he says or does and I honestly believe that due to his failed policies, arrogance and pure unadulturated idiocy, GW Bush will go down in history as the WORST president we've ever had, bar none. Worse than Hoover, worse than Coolidge, worse than Carter (see, I know a LITTLE history). Today though, after eight excrutiating years of fuckedupedness, he FINALLY made a decision I can respect- he freed the two border agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean who were, in my opinion wrongly convicted. If you don't know the story, these two got into a firefight with a drug smuggler on the Mexican-American border. They shot the crook in the ass and arrested him, but THEY ended up going to jail, tried and convicted for attempted murder. Luckily, Dubya found some brain cells within the waning hours of his sad presidency and decided to commute their sentences. I never thought I'd say this but- good job Bubba, it's about fuckin' time!

Super Bowl Bound

Since I was a kid, the St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals have been the laughing stock of the NFL. Er, let me rephrase, the Cardinals have always been SHITTY, and I can't remember one season where they actually were a good team. Because of that fact, I've always had a special place in my heart for them and other perennial underachieving underdogs (like the Cubs). I can't help it that it always makes me feel better when the team that's supposed to win loses! Well yesterday the Cardinals earned themselves a spot in the Superbowl by beating up on my Philadelphia Eagles (my second team after the Broncos) and I almost, ALMOST choked up when I saw this. I'm so tired of seeing grown men cry! Of all the teams in the NFL, I NEVER thought I'd see Cardinal red in the Super Bowl, but considering the year it's been I suppose any miracle is possible.

He did WHAT? (part II)

Now, the above story is about football, the American version with all the pads, helmets and oblong ball. This next one is about FUTbol, the version played in the rest of the world with two goals and a round ball. I've learned a lot about this sport over the last few years and have become more passionate about it than it's American cousin (Go Villa!!!). There are some obvious differences between the two, but many things are all too similar like the fanatical crowds that come to see the games, the advertising painted EVERYFUCKINWHERE and especially the vast sums of money that is generated and eventually exchanges hands each year. Now let me present a scenario to you. Let's say you've been an employee at a high profile job for several years and like where you work. Your job likes having you, but another company (one less glamorous than your present employer) wants you to come work for them. Let's say this other company is willing to pay you $800,000 a week to move to another country, would you do it? Of course most of us would pack up our belongings faster than a Cambodian whore catches the Clap, and most athletes would too, but something strange happened in the world of sports today. This guy Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite, also known as "Kaka" turned down that very offer from a team in England to stay with his team in Italy. Did you hear me people!?!?! He refused $800,000 a WEEK. WOW is all I can say. Aside from the fact that no human on this earth needs to make that kind of money, his rationale was that he had to "follow his heart" which meant remaining loyal to his team, AC Milan. This is stuff all true sports fans want to hear. The bigger impact is that he restored some faith that some folks care more about the sport than the money and that is what the fuck I'd like to see more of from these whiny ass, punk ass, selfish athletes.

Happy Obama Day!

So Long 2008! Fuck Off...

Holy shit it's been a while since I've been inspired to write on this thing. OK, that's not quite true, I've been inspired but I haven't had the time or energy to post much. Now that actually have the time to put e-pen to e-paper, I don't have shit to say. I'm sitting in this coffee shop with my laptop which hasn't had wireless capabilities until today, eavesdropping on other people's conversations and contemplating the ways of the world, but I'm coming up empty. Wait....wait...I've got something.....and it's the buzzword of the year...."CHANGE" and dammit we need a lot of it.

2008 has been one fucked up year for me personally and many other people near and dear to my heart. Friends of mine have lost their homes and/or jobs, parents and spouses have passed, and my boy and his wife even lost their month-old child. Friends are divorcing, breaking up with long time girlfriends (which is actually a good thing!), the world economy is in the gutter and some of us are losing their minds, our minds, their minds, my minds....and honestly I can't WAIT for 2009 to get here so we can all collectivey tell 2008 to kiss our mutha-fuckin-smelly-two-bit-asses.

Not all of 2008 has been horrible though as there have been some bright spots. For example, Woozie's out the closet and off to college, Nasir is a single man (FINALLY!!!), my daughter is no longer pissing on the floor, my sister and brother-in-law brought a new baby boy into our family and the Counselor and Kiyotoe are preparing to welcome a little tyke of their own....but change for the better is good and sorely needed, and what better way than to establish some New Year's resolutions. I've come to the realization that I never, ever stick to mine so I'm pledging to finally maintain some consistency.

So here we go:

Resolution 1- Politics

Like the relatively slim majority of America and most of my friends (except Hollow Man) I voted for Barack Obama this election cycle and honestly, I'm still in disbelief that he actually got elected. When I was in high school, my boy PJ predicted that our generation would be the one that would elect the first Black president. I probably called him a liar in my teenaged head, not to be rude, but because I didn't believe that America would be ready for that type of revolutionary idea in my lifetime. So ok PJ, you were right and I'll be the first to admit it even if you probably don't even rememeber that conversation. So far, I've been impressed by how well Obama has handled the pressure, and he's doing it far better than the current lame-duck-in-charge but the work is just beginning considering all the fucked up shit he's got to repair.


******News Flash*********

Wait, wait, did anyone see that reporter throw his shoes at Bush over the weekend? That shit is heeeelarious!!!! Apparently just showing someone the soles of your shoes is considered offensive in the Arab world and throwing your shoes akin to telling your mother to "go fuck a donkey!" So I guess that shows how much people really appreciate Mr. Bush's idea to "liberate" Iraq.....Ok back to the story....

I like Obama a lot and think he's going to be good for the country, however I don't see Obama as the savior many people see him as. He's STILL a politician who thinks like a politician, but wants to be viewed as a person who thinks like the rest of us. I REALLY hope he's the rarest of politicians who really has "the people" in mind when he makes decisions that affect US. Though skeptical, my political resolution is to put more faith in the political system and hope that the changes we voted for are real.

Resolution 2- Communication

I mentioned to a friend of mine the other day that "The more ways they come up with for us to communicate, the less people actually communicate!" and it's SOOOO true. We have text messaging, email, facebook, myspace, skype, fax, and instant messaging but we're steadily losing our ability to actually talk to one another. While driving down the street last week, I saw this small group of teens walking and all of them were on their cell phones, talking to other people. Back in "our day", if we were in a small pack, we'd be talking to each other about something instead of chatting it up with someone else! What the fuck? I was introduced to Facebook almost two years ago before it was the haven for the people who want to find their former classmates and I thought it was bullshit- another Myspace if you will (which is STILL shyte if you ask me). This year I got back into the Facebook phenomenon and I was pleasantly surprised to find tons of folks I hadn't seen in years. I went through my "wow" phase after reconnecting with dozens of people who I'd lost contact with- you know the "WHOA I haven't seen that face in YEARS!!!" mode, and now Facebook has completely lost its lustre. After a few quick two and three line conversations with folks I went to high school with, there's nothing more to say really. I've been the last to write so many people who haven't written me back and with a few exceptions, it's clear we shouldn't have gotten back in touch in the first place. Not that it hurts my feelings or anything, but it's not surprising that we lost contact way-back-when because we probably didn't have too much to say to each other way-back-when anyway. My communication resolution for 2009 is to actually see more of my friends in person rather than just communicate via phone, email and text messages. This coffeeshop and the conversations I'm overhearing are making me nostalgic for the days where I actually looked a person in the eyes when we spoke.

By the way Nic, I'm still waiting for you to "Facebook me"..... (is that what it's called?) You know I'm still planning a mission to Whereveryoulive, Saskatchewan one of these days....

Resolution 3- Habits

All my life I've been relatively lazy and if I don't feel like doing something, it won't get done. My mom used to get mad because she'd tell me to take out the trash and I'd forget because I didn't feel like doing it at the moment. I think I still have a couple bruises from the aftermath of my forgetfulness.......Ahhhh fuck it, I'm not changing on this one- bruises or not. :)

Resolution 4- Eat more butter

My personal struggle this year has been a doozy. Those of you closest in proximity to me know the deal and those of you not in Atlanta will know of it one day. Check my facebook page for more details in about six months! Ok, ok, I'm just kidding! Anyway, this particular struggle has made me realize the frailty of life and that everything can change in an instant (don't worry, I'm not dying...) so I'm living life in a way like I never had before- I'm eating more butter! What the fuck? you ask. Well put it like this, butter represents the best and worst of the culinary experience. Butter is the most fattening condiment you can find this side of a fatal heart attack, but it makes EVERYTHING it touches taste better- breakfast, lunch or dinner. The mo' butter, the mo' better it tastes, and there is no way around that. I used to put just a dribble of butter on my toast fearing my heart will give out at any moment from overexposure. Fuck it I say. If I die of a heart attack tomorrow because my arteries are clogged with buttery goodness- it might just be worth it. Bring it on sexy little Land-O-Lakes Indian lady, who's your daddy!

Resolution #5 Try one new beer every week

I'm not much of a drinker, but Michelle and I found this new local "beer bar" called the Porter Beer Bar that has 5 times more beer on the menu than food items (not an exaggeration)....AND you can sample beers before you buy! I've found a few new brews that I like a lot and a few that taste like bar-b-qued goat testicles rolled in mud, but I can at least say that I tried it (the nasty beer...not the muddy goat testicles.) High gravity beers are the best, and considering that I might keel over any minute from a buttery asphyxiation, a good tasty brew will give my transition a nice buzz.

So for all my fellow sufferers of 2008 (you know who you are) we're moving on to greener pastures and greater things in the new year! Anything short of civil war has to be better than this shit so on the count of three we'll all say FUCK OFF to 2008, so long, farewell, au revoir, kiss my grits, biyatch!.... Ready....

ONE........

TWO................

THREEEEEEE.......

FUC.......wait, ohhhh my heart, my HEART......call 9-1-1.... I've had too much butter!

When I was younger, one of the first movies my dad took me to was called "Seven Samurai". I'm a little shaky on the details, but more or less it was about a group of seven noble Japanese warriors hired to defend a town from some evil henchman and his army of evil bastards. What I remember most was how, in the face of overwhelming odds they were able to beat back the maurading hoard and attain victory and honor. Even to this day, I STILL love old samurai movies, especially Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman, mainly for the unrealistic scenarios the heros find themselves in. For instance, one samurai movie I saw recently had this amazing scene with a guy armed with nothing more than the clothes on his back and a bamboo stick, running for his life from a mass of 30 some odd attackers armed to the teeth with swords and knives. This guy was trapped in a forest, surrounded by sword wielding pursuers, swinging his little stick wildly as he desperately tried to keep his blood and guts inside his own body. After a few minutes of ducking and dodging, wouldn't ya know it, his ass gets away....somehow. As you watch a scene like that, in the back of your mind you can't help but say, Bullshit. If this was imperial Japan, his ass would have been skewered and diced quicker than a side of Waffle House hashbrowns. But then you remember, it's Hollywood, (or at least the Japanese version of Hollywood) and the reality of a scene is only as authentic as the director's vision......

.....So why is it that THIS asshole can't understand that he's not living in a Japanese samurai movie? Almost fifteen years ago, he gets arrested for the murder of his ex-wife and her boy toy, and in the face of overwhelming odds, mounds of evidence and the opinions of a divided nation regarding his guilt, he gets acquitted a year later. An intelligent person would realize that the Fates were giving them a second chance, AND a warning to keep their fucking nose clean for ...the..rest..of..their...life!! But noohoohooooo, not OJ. He goes and gathers a few "friends" to help him rob some guys of sports memorabilia, all because he thinks he can tempt Fate twice. I knew as soon as he got arrested in Las Vegas after the incident that he had no chance of getting off a second time and sure enough, he's going down. Now in all honesty, part of me feels a bit sorry for him because he was actually trying to get some stuff back that was in fact his, but something in his brain should have told him to do a proverbial cutback that he's so famous for and rethink his actions. You know a little....Wait a second, I KNOW folks are pissed that I got off for knifing my ex. Maybe I need to chill out and just let it go...after all, it's just stuff. The irony of it all is that in reality, the jerseys, footballs and whatever else seemed so important to him at the time- really don't mean shit right now considering the rest of his future is looking like it will be spent behind the stone walls of some Nevada prison, sleeping butt nekkid for his new roommate, Bruno*. As Jurior Bush said, "Fool me once, shame on you- fool me twice...... fool me can't get fooled again" (or something like that). Much like our president, OJ will be remembered not as the brave samurai that got away in the face of overwhelming odds, but instead he'll be remembered as the idiotic samurai who brought a bamboo stick to a sword fight and is expecting to win. You can only get away with so much in this life and (un)fortunately, OJ (and Junior) had to learn this lesson the hard way....

* There's your sleepin' nekkid reference Wooz. Let's see if it works..... Nic, where are you??????

WTF

Yes it's that time again....... and ain't dis some bullshit?!?!?!

The U.S. Economy is Officially on Welfare

As most of you have found out already, the government is planning on "injecting" 700 billion dollars of OUR hard earned tax money into the economy to stave off further damage from the failing housing crisis, bankrupted financial institutions and high priced oil from Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, Ivan, Ike Turner, Larry, Moe, Curley, Tito, Michael, Gustav and Liberace. I understand the highs and lows of the economy and things often go sour from time to time, but WHAT the FUCK, MAN!! I knew back in April when the "p-p-president" was sending out checks left and right to make us feel better about the economy that shit was bad, but WHAT THE FUCK! (and you KNOW it's bad if I have to say that shit twice!) If only a $600 bribe could make people feel better about the shitty state of things and make us "forget" that folks making good money are actually struggling these days. For months, our fearless (read: pussified) leaders have been telling us that the economy is sound, but there's no way these jackasses can talk around this one. To keep from having this proverbial ship capsizing, we have to buy a bunch of worthless assets (from ourselves) and hope that it stabilizes things. Who's bright idea was that?

To quote my boy Hollowman, "The banking crisis falls directly in the lap of the banks who made ridiculous loans..." and we're bailing them out for all the trouble they've caused. Must be nice to have good friends like that! But here's my thing, 1) how the fuck can you just pull out $700 billion from the national asshole without some MAJOR economic whiplash down the line? 2) With the value of the American dollar hovering just above the Candian dollar, and sliding down faster than Britney Spears' career (and mental faculties), what is the incentive for our global partners to keep investing in us when shit repeatedly hits the fan? 3) When China actually decides to stop loaning us money (and here's my paranoid conspiracy theorist coming out), what is going to stop a BILLION Chinese people from getting in boats to come collect? Hmmm....

...AND to top it all off, C"N"N reported that the FBI is investigation fraudulent activities within four of the muthafuckin' financial institutions Congress is plannning on bailing out. I'm not holding my breath for any indictments 'cause I'm positive the hearings will go a little something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5nQePE6u2U&feature=related

Some would say pointedly, "Well, no shit!" and I can't agree more.

Speaking of a "no shit" moment:

Clay Aiken is officially gay and out the closet.

OK, so who DIDN'T know this some eight years ago? What the fuck? I'm not going to claim that I have the best "gaydar" in the world, I mean, I didn't know Woozie was gay until he said it, (fooled again, doggonnit!!!), but there was no mistaking Clay "Second Place" Aiken. While some guys are able to be a little ambiguous about their sexual orientation and some even come across as sports watchin', wraslin', high fivin', booty chasin', strip club patronzin' mens' men straight guys (enough stereotypes for ya?). Others however just have "homosexual man" written right across their powdered foreheads, and this guy is one of them. I have to admit that I was a little surprised when I read that he had a kid, thinking to myself...."Hmmm, that's odd, isn't he gay?" but hey, I'm the last person to say that a gay man wouldn't make a good dad or shouldn't have kids. Frankly I'm happy for anyone who has the courage to tell society to fuck off and reveal themselves to the public like that. But again, I just have to ask, why is an obviously gay man coming out NEW(s)? I mean, if Mike TYSON or Mick Jagger were to admit that they're gay, then that's NEWS.

Speaking of NEW(s)

Remember my Hero Deborah Jeanne Palfrey? She's BACK from the Dead!

My girl DJ Palfrey was known as the "DC Madam" and for a time literally had Washington's VIP's by the balls- all because she was threatening to release her dirty black book of numbers to the public. She ran a high priced "escort service" that catered to the elite in our nation's capitol and had all kinds of government officials shitting themselves. In my first entry about her, I joked that "you don't fuck with folks in government unless you can get away with it." Sadly, as I wrote in my second entry, in May of this year she was found dead in Florida, an "apparent suicide victim". I never once believed she died by her own hands (obviously) but NOW, like a good Tupac conspiracy theory, I don't think she's even DEAD. In fact, I believe she's alive and well after beating the system of Good 'Ol Boys in DC. She's right under our noses people!!!! And when it hit me, I thought WHAT THE FUCK? That chick looks familiar! Check it out....

Look at those beady black eyes....

.....pensively in thought, pondering her next move against the political establishment.....

......looking awfully (vice) presidential in front of the courthouse.....

......AHA!!!! I KNEW IT!!!

A little plastic surgery, a bit of Alaskan sun and voila!!! From running the whorehouse to running the White House!!! (although some would argue that there's not much of a difference between the two....)

Seven Years Too Late, Dickhead

I have never been fond of the current president.... or his administration....or his policies...or his voice for that matter. In this politically charged year, it seems our dear, sad, ignorant leader in charge has been sidelined in the media by the newcomers Obama and McCain- not like he's got many interesting things to say in the first place, but still, I find it odd that he's rarely seen or thought of these days. I mean he IS afterall still the "president" right? Today people along the Gulf Coast are preparing for a surprise attack from a newly Communist Russia- Codename:Gustav. Call it the first strike of the new Cold War. Instead of the president heading to Minnesota for the Republican convention- which he's supposed to do as the defacto Head Republican In Charge, he's found it necessary to stay in TEXAS to "monitor the [red] storm" churning in the Gulf of Mexico. Talk about an act of GOD! How convenient is it for him to "opt out" of the convention making it just that much easier for McCain, sexy Ms. VP hopeful Sarah Palin and the rest of the Republican Party to distance themselves from Bush and his asinine policies. NOW he wants to act presidential. NOW he wants to show what a good leader he can be. NOW he wants to show his compassion for American citizens.

I'm sure there were a lot of people within party ranks who tried to make sure the president's invitation to the convention got lost somewhere in the mail, but the Russian storm just gave them an all-out excuse to exclude him altogether. Nice.



My question is this: What the fuck can he do from Texas that he can't do from Minnesota?





Answer: the same bullshit he's been doing for the last 7.5 years....nothing.