Sex, Drugs

I'm all in favor of legalizing drugs! If someone wants to kill themselves by taking drugs, fine by me. That leaves more good air for the rest of us to breath. - Ed Mann, my 11th grade Science teacher.

As I reported in an earlier post, I don't give two shits about the Olympics. I understand that it's a huge deal to the athletes who train all their lives just to compete for a shot at glory in some international city, but for me it's not such a big deal. 97% of the sports that are showcased are sports that people only care about while the Olympics are occuring and afterwards, track, water ballet, gymnastics, weight lifting and high speed dreidl spinning end up returning to hellish obscurity for another three and a half years. That being said, I care even less about what the Olympic athletes do in their spare time.

The drug addicted world of international olympic sport found yet another violator of it's "anti-drug" policy when America's newest golden boy Michael Phelps was "caught" sucking on a bong, smoking a green substance that MAY be marijuana. An uber-small percentage of American citizens were shocked and his once-tephlon image that before was this:

has now turned to this (puff.. puff... pass...)

My question is simply Why? He's 23, sowing his youthful oats and living his life the way he wants. Very few among us have lives a truly purified life, and those of you who have need to be confined to a nut house for the rest of your days! Unfortunately the fallout from this picture is beginning; first, the half hearted apology for his "regretful decision-making", then sponsors consider walking away with Kellogg's being the first of many to come. Now, Phelps might be facing drug charges stemming from the picture because some puritanical S. KKKarolinian sheriff didn't enjoy his college years, and in turn wants Mike to suffer for enjoying his. Booo that man!!! The sheriff- not Mike.

In a bit of hilariously related sports news, the nation's switch to digital television took a bit of an obscure step backwards when Super Bowl watching fans in Arizona were suddenly subjected to at least 30 seconds of the Club Jenna porn station...UNSCRAMBLED during the fourth quarter!!! One prudish woman was quoted as saying, "I was in a state of shock. I am totally disgusted." and rightfully so! No one watches the Super Bowl expecting to see the human anatomy in all its fine glory, but no one expected the Cardinals to be in the Super Bowl either. I can understand if her kids were watching and then all of a sudden they got their first taste of Ron Jeremy cinema at its finest. Can you imagine all the conversations that popped up in the family room after that?!?!

"Ummm, Daddy, what was that?"

"Uhhh, uhhh...."

"Daddy, what happened? What was that thing going into that lady?"

"Uhhhh, uhhhhh...."

"Daddy, did that lady get hurt?"

"Uhhhh, uhhh...."

"Mommy do you like watching stuff like this?"

"No honey, why do you ask?"

"Well, Daddy does when you're spending the weekend at Auntie Vanessa's..."

I mean, how do you explain this one to your six or seven year old? Initial reports suggest that it was a deliberately malicious act by some sabateur. Personally, I think some guy (or gal) was in the local station jerking the magic stick in the control room and accidently pushed the wrong button subsequently beaming the porn to millions of Arizonans. Think about which theory makes more sense! Who in their right mind would deliberately sabotage their relatively secure job in this fucked up economy just for a laugh?

In all this media hoopla, there's a couple of huge ironies to me. Firstly, the naked human body (male or female) is a beautiful creation in my opinion. Whether individual bodies are "beautiful" or not is up to debate, but the human body itself is a perfect work of art from top to bottom. Why is it that we feel the need to hide it behind blackouts and scrambles on television and in magazines? The irony is that America is completely infatuated with the horrible things that occur in the world rather than the beautiful. Daily, we're inundated with violent images and never seem to have a problem seeing the images of dead people lying in the streets of Baghdad or explosions that wipe out entire city blocks, but when a part of the human anatomy is flashed across the screen, all HELL breaks loose and the FCC wants to impose insane fines on news stations for indecent material. People always slow down at car accidents hoping to get a glimpse of someone's severely damaged car (and possibly the driver's damaged body) but seeing a penis or a breast is so horrific!

Secondly, most of the folks who were appalled by the images of Phelps getting high and/or Jenna's porn station are more than likely people who have at one time a) tried weed and/or b) seen a naked body and/or c) had sex. Plain and simple. Don't get me wrong, I understand the outrage of a parent having to explain why they like porn earlier than expected, but I'd rather explain what sex is to my child than explain why there are kids her age in Gaza who have been killed by tanks.

Now, as a parent I want to teach my child early on about sex and drugs, and I plan on teaching her the "right way"- whatever that is. That way, all misconceptions and mysteries about them are gone by the time she starts having those conversations with her friends. It'll go something like this:

"Naimah, weed is ok. It's a natural plant and all four of your grandparents smoke it! (No teenager wants to do anything remotely similar to what their grandparents do!) If you're 18 and you want to smoke a little weed every now and then- fine, but don't you DARE try any other drug or I'll kill you! Sex is off limits until you're 35. If I catch you anywhere near a boy before then, I'll kill him and chain you to your mother!"

Do you think she'll have issues?

OK, ok, I'll do it the right way, I promise!