Old Folks

I read yesterday that old country crooner Willie Nelson up and got himself busted in Lou-si-anna for possession of mari-ju-wanna and 'shrooms. But instead of spending the night in lockup, he was "cited" and released back to his tour bus where he immediately hit the road to continue his cross-country tour. Apparently, some cop pulled over the oversized Winnebago and upon boarding the vehicle, instantly smelled the sweet, smoky flavor of Chronic. Being the "serve and protect" kind of officer he was sworn to be, he immediately arrested Willie and his entourage of other middle-age and elderly men, hauling them off to jail. Rather than holding them there (as is the protocol in most states....well, that's the protocol if you look like ME, that is) the arresting officer decided to give them a TICKET for drug posession and send them on their merry way. My first reaction would normally be, "How unfair- damn celebrities ALWAYS getting off!!!" Au contrere mon frere. Instead, my first thought was "What a smart cop. Good for him! How dumb was it to arrest him in the first place?" Most of us have grandparents who are Willie's age or older, and we ALL know the struggles the elderly go through on a daily basis just trying to make it to the next day. Weary eyes, old creaky bones, and uncontrollable bodily functions make life pretty fucked up if you ask me. However, Willie's arrest REALLY got me thinking about how stupid it is to arrest an old person for ANY petty crime (rape and murder don't count- sorry, we gotta have limits somewhere). Let's think about this for a second:

- They've lived through The Great Depression, went to school with no shoes-in the snow- walking uphill (both ways)- no books-no lunch-no dinner-no roof-no telephone-no t.v.-no toilet paper, WWII, Jim Crow, Korea, Vietnam, and fuckin' Disco- so you can't tell them SHIT!

-They've witnessed the deaths of some phenomenal examples of human wisdom and courage and also witnessed the ascentions and elections of some phenomenally ignorant fucks (sorry Rock, your boy Georgie included! Tune in to the next installment....)

-They've got arthritis, osteoperosis, hip, knee, shoulder replacements, high blood pressure, hypertension, gout, sore joints, diabetes, bad hearts, irritable bowel syndrome, high cholesterol, prostate issues, glaucoma, wrinkly skin, constipation, skin ulcers and BAD ASS, WHINY, SPOILED ASS, BRATTY ASS, SMARTMOUTHED GRANDKIDS. Jail might as well be a damn walk in the park.

- Most old people have experienced a good portion of their friends and family die. Who the hell's gonna be there to bail 'em out anyway?





Needless to say, I think they deserve more than a few "Get out of jail free" cards. Let the old folks have a little fun in their final years on earth. If they get a thrill from robbing banks, shoplifting, slapping the shit out of people, carjacking, streaking, throwing soiled Depends at buses or smoking WHATEVER, who are we to deny them a few fleeting, yet exciting moments? Some don't even need our permission. Hell, a few years ago nine nursing home residents in England got evicted for conducting an orgy to celebrate someone's 90th birthday. I might be a little perverted sometimes, but I couldn't POSSIBLY make THAT shit up! In fact, I sent a link to some of you when I heard about it. You remember that don't you?:

A group of nine elderly English residents were kicked out of their nursing home after having decided to celebrate their friend's 90th birthday party in style and with gusto ... by having an orgy in the recreation room! The oldsters, ranging in age from 73 to 98 lit candles, slathered baby oil and played music to create the sexy mood. The three romeos and six seductresses boogied for about twenty minutes until a staffer, on hearing the rumba music, went to investigate."They hadn't gotten too far -- I guess it was taking some of the gents a while to get started," said the unidentified staffer. "But they were all naked. Believe me, it was the scariest thing I've seen in all my life!"

Why were they booted out?

"This may sound harmless or amusing to some people, but Scarborough has a reputation to uphold. We cannot tolerate that kind of conduct!"




As my boy Alex Desert said in "Swingers" (no pun intended...) "Fuck rep!" Would you rather be known as the nursing home that booted some old folks for collectively indulging in the most natural of human needs- or would you want to be known as the one place in town that allows recreational sexual escapades for the elderly when someone hits the big 9-0? That's good for business! You'd never, EVER have a vacancy!

I know, I know, visualizing our grandparents doing the same debaucherous shit we young folks like to do now is a horrible thought. But, if we're lucky, we'll all get to that point in life when our own bad ass grandkids will be traumatized by the thought of their old wrinkly grandparents doing nasty stuff. Hopefully, the world will wake up and let us get away with it....



Yo Willie! Take another drag.