In the news...

I think every adult gets to a point in their life when they realize they are a lot more like their parents than they want to be. They start saying things like, "These kids today..." or "I've got to get up early for work..." blah blah blah....Oddly enough, this epiphany happened to me when I was about 14 years old. I woke up one day and suddenly realized that I was sitting at the breakfast table, getting prepared for my day, eating toast and orange juice, and reading the damn paper- just like my dad. Now, most 14 year olds have trouble naming a newspaper section much less delving head first into the headlines of the day. But I was different, and proud of the fact that I found the daily events interesting- unlike most of my peers. Ever since then, the news has intrigued me, but these days, I SWEAR, I can't seem to latch on to anything of substance. It's almost as if every newspaper and cable news network has a cookie cutter outline for the news and all they have to do is fill in the blanks in order to start a news story- the same news story everyone else is reporting:

(Listed in it's implied importance from our news sources)

_______________________ had a bombing
(some international city)

_______________________got booted from American Idol
(someone about to get stuck up the ass with no vaseline in a record deal)

______________________ is having a baby
(some celebrity)

_______________________died
(some celebrity)

_______________________went up another 35 cents just for the hell of it
(gas prices)

_______________________is getting a divorce
(some celebrity)

_______________________got arrested
(some celebrity)

______________________won in a thriller/in 11 innings/in overtime/in sudden death
(some sports team or Tiger Woods)

______________________has a fierce storm on the way
(some American city/region)

______________________ said the same stupid shit he's been saying for 6 years
(George W. Bush)


So now it's my turn to give the events of the day, the way I want to do it:



Support for Iraq War Wanes



No shit America! It's safe to say that the various reasons for our prescence there are growing weaker by the day. It's like when you catch a little kid in a lie and they have to suddenly come up with ALL KINDS of other lies to cover up the first one. You know they're lying and they know their lying but the words keep coming and coming and the hole gets deeper and deeper. The current rationale is that "cutting and running" will be a mistake and lead Iraq into further turmoil. For those of you just waking up from your four year hibernation in the caves of Antarctica, here's a rundown of the various reasons the US population has been told that being in Iraq is a good thing:

Saddam has stockpiles of little viles of crack cocaine (WMD's) and is planning on unleashing it on major US cities (Colin Powell)

Iraq is a haven and breeding ground for terrorists- so is Wyoming, Michigan and Los Angeles, but who's counting? (Tom Ridge)

Saddam is a tyrrant and a threat to his neighbors, just like Charles Taylor, Hugo Chavez, and Michael Jackson (Donny Rumsfield)

Iraqi people want freedom from dictatorship......what Chinese sweatshop made YOUR sneakers? ("Sexy" Condi Rice)

The U.S. needs to keep Iraq from diving into civil war. Sunni kill Shia, Shia kill Sunni, Kurds bomb Turkey, hmmmm. (The Dick)

The US has an obligation to the Iraqi people and we need to help rebuild Iraq. Sing with me people, a one, a two, a three "ohhhhh when the Saints, go marchin' in......" (Dubya)

Needless to say, more and more people are waking up to the fact that we're in some shit we can't seem to get out of. Now once the people in POWER come to the same conclusion we'll be back on track fighting this war on drugs, I mean poverty, DAMN, I mean terrorism.



Gas Prices Rise Again




Apparently, Iranian president Ahmadadianjinanannaaannaaaa said some shit that scared the execs at EXXON, BP, Texaco, ESSO, the U.N. and all other oil companies that they MUTUALLY felt the need to raise gas prices five cents. The word on the street is that he invited them all, via conference call to Tehran for an "Iranian lap dance". Upon hearing the invite, they all pissed themselves and have tacked on the extra few cents to help pay for dry cleaning.


The US loses to Greece



Blame the big Black dude in white and blue on the far right..............
Damn Nick, you didn't tell me that Greece had Black folks! See if I ever use YOU as an anonymous source again!

20-inch Tall Teen Demands Recognition




Fourteen- year- old Khagendra Thapa Magar is thought to be the world's smallest human, standing a full 50 cm and weighing in at a whopping 4.5 kg. (For you non-metric types, that's about 1.5 feet and about 20 pounds give or take...) He has filed papers asking to be inducted into the Guiness Book of World Records, however, officials at Guiness are holding his application to conduct a background check and ensure he has no ties to terrorist organizations or terrorist activity. Magar admits that his "Muslim" sounding name has made life quite tricky in the past- even though he's probably a Buddhist.


War with Britain Averted!




A stealth bomber was scrambled and sent to bomb Windsor Palace when it suddenly reversed course and landed at it's base. Apparently while watching a British made-for-television film, U.S. p-p-p-p-President George W. Bush saw the above image from a scene and was immediately offended by the thought of someone making an attempt on his life. He called his mother, Secret Service, Tony Blair and the Pentagon demanding a stop to this horrid filmmaking and when he got no satisfaction, called upon his exclusive, congress-provided Executive Privaledges to do the job himself. Upon hearing the rationale for attacking England's prime symbol of monarchy, the F-115 pilot shook his head and exclaimed, "What the fuck?!?!". Luckily, cooler heads prevailed and the pilot, against executive orders, returned his multi-million dollar aircraft to base with no further incident.