Old at 30 (almost 31)

When I was as kid, I used to be afraid of death. Not the "I'm scared of the Great Beyond" fear, but rather, I had a fear of the manner in which I would die. Considering that there are approximately 8 million ways to end life as we know it, it's fair to say that I was afraid of just about everything at some point- walking across the street, electricity, dogs, food, the sun, water- you get the idea. I was convinced that I was a shoe-in to die a premature death, that I'd be lucky in fact to hit 21. No I didn't grow up in some gangland, drug infested neighborhood where the life expectancy for young Black males was 18, but for whatever reason I thought that I'd be a prime candidate for a body bag way before my time. Birthdays weren't cause to celebrate, they just represented a year closer to "The Dreaded End!" I even had dreams that I was at my own funeral, in middle school! Senior Citizen? Not me! Luckily I got out of that obsessive compulsive phase pretty early on, realizing that eventually death would become us all and it was nothing to fear- regardless of the vehicle.

Pragmatism, I called it.

Somehow I made it to 25 and that fear of death had all but disappeared, but THEN I realized that at 25 (and a day), I was closer to 30 than I was to 20. Oh shit... That brought on a whole new set of concerns- the dreaded NEXT STEP- marriage, kids, career (as opposed to "job"), mortgage, insurance, taxes....taxes....death...taxes....death....taxes. Once I got that under control (or so I tell myself), the age of 30 rolls around, and I one day, I wake up and realize....

.....wait I'm an ADULT! A-D-U-L-T. What happened?

What happened was I started getting "old"- the one thing I never thought would occur. Old in my thoughts, old in my actions, old in my body. Me and Kiyotoe have joked about being old since we were 21. Yeah imagine that, two kids JUST out of teenagerdom talking about, "Man we're gettin' old...." If I could go back in time to Clark Atlanta University circa 1997, I'd slap the shit out of both of us- twice.....

...Because NOW we're O-L-D.

I'm approximately two weeks away from 31 (Kiyotoe- a month and two weeks- he's an old fart too), which means now I'm closer to 40 than I am to 20 and I've had a few recent experiences in the last month or so to drive that point home, again and again. So now I present to you (begrudgingly...)

You know you're old at 30 when....

(sigh)

You know you're old at 30 when....

...you watch NBA highlights on SportsCenter and think to yourself, "I remember when this guy was drafted!" and now he's a COACH.

...you care how your jacked up, uncut, dirt patch, crabgrass and weed havin' yard looks to the neighbors.

...you're watching a porn and don't recognize the actors, but you recognize the room, the paintings and even the ugly furniture from a completely different flick.

...your knees ache when it's cold outside, but yet, you let the house STAY cold as shit on the inside because you fear what the ridiculous bill will look like if you turn on the heat.

...you feel the pinch in your pocket when the national economy takes a hit and pray to God that it doesn't get worse.

...you start watching DIY shows on the DIY network- not to get home improvement tips but for entertainment.

...you realize that you're no longer the youngest person among the faculty at school. And to make it worse, THE youngest people among the faculty were still in high school when you started teaching!

...you find yourself watching music videos and getting the urge to scream, "Get some balls you sissy whiny bastard!".

...you wake up at 7am, on a Saturday, and call yourself "sleeping in".

...you and your boys debate politics, social topics, education and talk about life at home instead of talking about women and sports.

...you wear yourself out, trying to wear out your hyperactive daughter.

...your 4th grade students use their own cell phones to call their parents rather than asking to go to the office to use the phone there.

...all the noisy toys around the house make you want to jump out the window and run down the street butt-ass-nekkid when they go off, but you understand why they are a necessary evil and tolerate it.

...almost all your boys from high school are married and even the one who was last to FINALLY get laid has a kid. By the way K-dawg, thanks for (not) calling me back! I had to listen to your message 10 times before I understood what you were saying. Congratulations!

...after watching Sponge Bob for the first time, you finally realize why your students are saying "Oh barnacles!"

...after watching Sponge Bob for the first time, you realize that your old outdated, dull-looking cartoons are SO much better than this shit the kids are watching today.

...you turn the volume on the tv all the way down during commercials.

...you end your online chess game prematurely when all hope is lost rather than allowing your opponent to make the ten more moves necessary for checkmate. (Nick!)

...someone mentions that they want to go to the strip club for their birthday and you voluntarily pass, not for monetary reasons, but because "Strip clubs don't do it for me anymore..."

...you listen to NPR's "Morning Edition" on your way to work and run the risk of getting stuck in traffic rather than endure all the bullshit on the local radio stations and get the traffic report.

...your younger sister is hitting the big 3-0 this year (he he he)

...you tell a misbehaving kid in your class, "Get yourself together or else I'll call your dad. Don't make me dial the seven digits." ...and then some other kid walks up to you and whispers in your ear, "Uhhh Mr. Rahmaan, it's ten digits...."

C'mon you thirty-somethings, tell me why YOU feel old....