Passe'

OHHH, I'm still stuffed from T-Day and unusually tired from doing TWO last minute class projects yesterday for the Academic Fair. Procrastination was a specialty of mine for a time and apparently, I'm teaching it to my kids! Hey at least I'm teaching them SOMETHING. Anyway, today as I was wastin time on the net, I was struck by some random criticism of the winner of the latest American Idol. Normally I'm all about doggin' that sorry, pointless, shitty replacement for Star Search in ANY way possible, but this time for whatever reason I had to take exception. It seems this guy

who works as the "Yahoo Music shit talker" found it necessary to declare that the new album by that cutie Jordin Sparks was a "flop" because it only sold 119,000 copies in it's first week of sales. Bullshit! First, any struggling musician will tell you that they'd stab themselves in the eye if they could sell 100,000 copies of their album in a week. I put out an album in 2000 and I didn't sell one copy! I had to give my shit away- although people did like it. Second, he didn't take into account that cd sales all around are down because people would rather buy one song from a shitty album than buy the whole shitty album in it's entirety.

He goes on to compare it to the album sales put up by other "Idol winners" and claim it to be an unequivocal failure. The first thing I thought was Of course it bombed, it probably sucks! but instead of being the prejudicial asshole I claim not to be, I went to amazon.com and listened to clips from the album for myself and..................well, it's not some shit I'D EVER listen to voluntarily. Besides, compared to all the mediocre horseshit they're putting on the airwaves these days, it's not that bad. (Pteeeeewey!!! I can't believe I said that!) I remember during the final rounds of competition when all these folks were saying that she was "too big" to be an American Idol and I can't help but think that he's one of the idiotic fools who believed that stoopid idea.

This got me thinking: Who gave these media assholes the authority to decide for the public what's a success or a failure. Or what the newest "hot" item is? It's kinda like those people who say that the color mauve with red polka dots are "so in" this season. Or better yet, the single women who write articles in Cosmo about how other women should "please their men". Everyone's got an opinion, but when someone else's opinion become gospel? When did people forget to think for themselves and let some schmoe (or schmoess) from N.Y. tell them what to wear to work and what music to buy? Since we're so gullible, I thought I'd become my own damn social critic and since you're reading this, you must follow directions and do as I say. I hope you're ready to change your life!

1. Tofu is the new pork. It looks like pork fat, tastes like pork fat (i.e. has no taste) and like pork fat, is a pointless culinary wonder- unless you're in Asia.

pork fat


tofu

2. Everyone needs to learn another language and visit another country. Piglandia doesn't exist so Pig Latin doesn't count Kiyotoe. Get back to those Japanese lessons!

3. Fellas, pink is the new neon piss yellow. If you wear it- in ANY form, you deserve to spend the night in some Siberian prison with a cellmate named Lugar the Luscious.

4. Radio is now off limits to EVERYONE, unless you're tuning in to local college stations or NPR.

5. Gutbuster's is the newest fine dining experience. If you don't have a Gutbuster's in your area, dress up in your best jeans and t-shit and go to the best Philly Cheesesteak place around.

6. If you're planning on getting plastic surgery to "enhance" your features, shoot yourself.

7. 13 is your newest lucky number.

8. Coffe is giving way to hot chocolate! Drop your double latte from Starbucks and pick up a packet of Swiss Miss (with marshmellows).

9. Twin Falls Idaho is the best movie of 1999.

10. Ladies, bras are so passe. They're uncomfortable and were invented by some guy who liked to privately dress in drag. Liberate yourselves!

What's that?!?! The weather? I don't care how cold it is outside in November! Take 'em off!