WTF

Ahh, it's time again for another edition of What the Fuck. It's been a minute I know, but hell I've been busy!

Fake Tits and Teens.

This past weekend- Saturday to be exact, Michelle, the baby and I got together with Kiyotoe, the Couselor and Cousin Aaron to celebrate Kiyotoe's 31st birthday. Normal people celebrate Mexican Independence Day (that would be Cinco de Mayo for all those anti-immigration folks out there) by going to the nearest Mexican restaurant and ordering assloads of salsa and margaritas and singing songs in grammatically incorrect Spanish. But nooooo, we go to Benihana's for JAPANESE. No offense Eyechan, but who drinks sake on Cinco de Mayo? (besides the Japanese that is...) Anyway, at the table next to ours sat a group of youngins who were on the way to/from prom. I noticed something oddly peculiar about the 17/18 year olds sitting there- two of them girls and BOTH had fake tits. Now I'm saying this at the risk of sounding like a dirty old man, but regardless it wasn't hard to tell. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that something is definitely wrong with teenagers- who haven't fully grown into their own bodies yet, getting plastic surgery. They are right at the stage of understanding themselves and learning how to be comfortable in their own skin, a rite of passage of sorts to adulthood- so why throw a new issue at them right at their most fragile state? Then the following day I happened upon an article that questions the ethics of teens (primarily girls) getting plastic surgery as presents for their 16th birthdays and graduations. What struck me as the oddest aspect of the article is that many times it's the PARENTS who are pushing their teens to do it, rather than a request from the teen themselves. "What the FUCK! Parents are supposed to encourage you to be happy with yourself and be prideful of your physical appearance, not tell you (subtly of course) "You know Becky, you're an ugly fuckin' bastard with a flabby belly and a flat ass chest so go to Dr. Kut M. Allup and get a nose job, tummy tuck and some implants! 34C should work nicely for you." One girl who got plastic surgery said:

“[The surgery] has made me feel better. Now I have more self-confidence. When I go out … I’m not afraid of my fake padding falling out. I feel like I can look at myself and say, ‘I’m really pretty.’ Before, something seemed like it was missing. Now there’s nothing missing.”

Uhhh, sike! What's missing is some REAL parental guidance in REAL emotional self esteem, and no saline-filled breast bag can create that. Your self worth is nurtured from the inside out, not in some outsourced plastics factory in Calcutta! Eventually, that girl above with "new confidence" will find"new" things that she doesn't like about her body and she'll be going back to the doctor for more surgery and won't stop until she looks like this----------------------------------------------------------------------->

Ugh....

What happened to the notion of being happy with who you are? Or at the very least doing things to improve your self image from the INSIDE. And if you're not happy with the outside, run a few laps everyday to get rid of that extra belly. Have we become so vain in this country that our own parents can't stand to look at us? I mean even if I WAS butt ass ugly growing up, my mother would've still told me I looked perfect the way I was....Right Mom?.....uhhh.....Momma?

Speaking of being happy with who you are.....

Spencer Tunick is the MAN!

As a kid I used to wish that there was a holiday where no one could wear clothes and everyone had to go to work and school butt ass naked. I don't know if that was a signatory precursor to my adulthood perversion or just a child with a wild imagination, either way, it seems that Spencer Tunick had the same fantasy I did. In case you don't know, Tunick is a world renowned photographer who is infatuated with human nakedness, a master of gathering hundreds or thousands of people from all over the world to pose en masse.

What the fuck! What is it about this guy that he can make large groups of people drop their clothes and expose themselves on command? Imagine what you would do if you had that type of power, the dastardly things you would do....the....Ok take your hand off your genitals for a second and finish reading dammit!

This week, Tunick was at it again, gathering 18,000 people to be his visual canvas in front of Mexico City's Metropolitan Cathedral. After he shot the group, he began shooting individual women and lo and behold, young, perverted (and naked) male Mexicanos began taking out their cell phones (from where, I don't want to know!) and began taking pictures themselves. I suppose that should be expected, considering that everyone there was, well, in their birthday suits, and you're apt to have a few knuckleheads out there to ruin the artistic moment. These women were obviously offended and complained to Tunick's agent. My first instinct is to say "Suck it up- you're already naked and 17,999 other people have seen you!" But then again, I guess it's the difference between having Spike Lee get you naked on film and having Ron Jeremy get you naked on film. Who would you prefer?

Speaking of naked on film......

Paris Hilton: Go straight to jail.

Do not pass Go.

Do not collect $200!

I've had TWO people tell me that Paris Hilton is actually an intelligent person in the last six months (I guess that says a lot!). Next they'll be telling me that she's really going to jail. Wait, she IS going to jail! 45 days to be exact for driving with a suspended licence. At the recent "trial" she claimed that was driving because her publicist "thought" she could. Hold up! Now I understand that celebrities have people do shit for them all the time- you know, getting coffee, buying groceries, babysitting the shiffon, but having the peons "think" for them is on a whole different level. How do you NOT know your licence was suspended, and if you didn't know, how can you think that it's a good defense in court? "Uhhh I didn't think that I could have sex with that twelve year old child Your Honor, but my publicist said it was alright..." Oh wait, we're not talking about Michael Jackson are we? Damn. The judge didn't buy the bullshit story either and promptly sentenced her to 45 days in the clink. What the Fuck! Celebrities don't go to jail, except Ms. Cleo that is, but she should have "seen" that one coming! Callmenow! They get probation, rehab and community service, the type of sentence your crackhead Cousin Pookie should have gotten for stealing the t.v. out of that old lady's house. Is our justice system FINALLY turning over a new leaf, or was the judge just having a bad day because his bluetooth stopped working? I think the judge was having a bad day.

Speaking of gadgets for lazy people....

Blue Tooth Mania

One of the best pieces of advice my grandfather gave me was, "Keep it simple. Life is hard enough so why do things to make complications? Keep it simple!" Well, I take my Grandpa's advice like gospel and anyone who knows me personally knows that my life is the epitome of simplicity. I don't complicate things with trivial matters or complex gadgets. I like my guitars made of wood and my dinnerware made of ceramic. I don't cook anything in the microwave and I still record music on cassettes. I don't gossip with fellow teachers ABOUT fellow teachers and I don't tell them shit about what I do in my spare time. I'm so old fashioned and would still have a rotary phone if I could get my hands on one. (and Woozie asks, "What's a rotary phone?")....

Well, it has come time for me to part ways with my current cell phone and upgrade, but here's my dilemma. I JUST WANT A PHONE! I'm on Cingular's website (soon to be the "new" AT&T) and looking at the various available "phones" and each description is a myriad of techno talk that sounds like Mandarin Taiwanese pig latin with a Jamaican accent. 1.5 MP camera this, 5billion megahurt that, PIM organizer whodawhata. What the FUCK!!! I just want a PHONE!!!! Something that dials 10-15 digits so I can curse out my fucked up mortgage company and none of these phones fit the bill. Can I get just ONE that has as it's advertisement, "It's rectangular shaped, holds 100 numbers in it's memory and dials." That's all I need! If I want to use a computer I go to my laptop. If I want a camera, I get my 35mm. If I want music, I pop a cd into my cd player. If I want porn, I go to Kiyotoe's house. A PHONE is all I need, but nooooo, they are trying to strongarm me into becoming one of these people who can't help but wear their bluetooth:

Oops, wrong image....

That's more like it!

No offense Le Parq (you know who you are!) but I can't STAND these damn bluetooth things. They take laziness and grandiose self importance to a whole new level! I can't go to a bar without seeing some post frat boy with one dangling off the side of his head, with a flashing blue light that would drive an epileptic CRAZY! Wearing that thing doesn't make you look important, it makes you look like you belong on the set of Star Trek getting assfucked by a Klingon. Is answering the phone at warp speed THAT important that you can't take it out of your pocket and put it up to you ear after a couple rings? The whole reason the internal/external phone ring was invented was so that you had time to get to the phone in order to answer it, and the person calling you can WAIT until you answer. Pretty soon, The Bluetooth Decathlon will be the newest Olympic event and the objective will be to answer the phone before the person calling you finishes dialing.

And whoever comes in last place gets assfucked by a Klingon.

and finally.....

Speaking of people who need a good Klingon assfucking....

The MPAA says "No" to Smoking

The MPAA, the narcissistic, sex deprived, prudish, fascist bastards who dictate what rating a film receives have decided that smoking will be a factor in whether a movie gets a PG or R rating. Along with sex, violence and nudity, films that feature "glamorized" smoking will get a harsher rating than films without. The rationale behind this new move is that the MPAA feels teens are compelled to smoke based on what they see on the big screen but critics say that it doesn't go far enough to dissuade teens from lighting up. What the fuck! When will they learn? Teens don't take their social cues from the movies anymore. This ain't the 50's when all the young turks slicked their hair back like James Dean and drove fast down rainy highways. This is the Nineteen-two-thousands! Kids wanna be like each OTHER and peer pressure is the real culprit. If their boys are dressin' like Lil John, THEY wanna dress like Lil John- white tees all around! If you really want to get kids to avoid smoking and doing drugs, simply KILL their friends who do. That would knock out the problem altogether. OK, that's a little harsh and irrational, but it would work! OK, ok, here's a better solution- tell them the truth. As I've mentioned before in my "Lyin' to the Kids" post, giving kids a light hearted message regarding the dangers of smoking doesn't cut it. It sends a mixed message that these smart-assed modern teens see right through. Don't feed them the bullshit about the black lungs and emphazema, SHOW them what is does to living people!

Looking at a guy with a hole in his neck from cancer will surely make a teen think twice about taking another drag. But I guess that's too much like right.