WTF

OK, so it seems that every time I get a case of severe writer’s bloc, a What The Fuck seems to lift me out. Whatever it takes right? So here we go, the celebrity edition….

Poor Brittney




For the last ten years or so, I’ve been the self proclaimed president, CEO, founder and personal advocate of the die-hard, not-for-profit, Brittney Spears Hater Nation. Anyone who has EVER debated the merits of her music with me has heard me say at least once that the music of Brittney Spears and anyone remotely like her is about as close to pissyshitvomit as music can get. People have accused me of being "jealous" or having a lack of appreciation for modern popular music, but DAMN THAT. The simple fact that she’s become a huge superstar on the merits of her looks and gyrating hips, rather than her mediocre singing skills is reason enough to ban her from the airwaves and boycott her record company. That being said (sigh) I wish folks would just leave her alone. What! Is the Paz-man defending the bane of his musical existence for a change?

Yeah, I guess I am!

I actually feel quite sorry for the girl, mainly because the maniacal media hype that once crowned her queen of shit-pop has turned her life into a virtual living hell. Ooh, she's having kids with her dancer, Ooh- she’s driving with her baby in her lap, Ooh- she’s hanging out with Paris Hilton, Ooh- she’s in rehab, Ooh- she’s taking a shit with the door open! The latest thing is this shaved head and tattoo of hers. Why the HELL is a hair cut and inked skin front page news?!?!? Where are our priorities? I just wish that one day, some news reporter would just say:

“Brittney Spears attended the Grammy’s wearing nothing but a greasy ass, dripping wet jheri curl wig, polka dot kashmir bathrobe and stilettos. WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!….and now onto the weather.”

The truth of the matter is that the media acts as a double edge sword. It gives the superstar love and admiration beyond their wildest dreams, and virtually overnight it barbarically demonize them, casting them in the most hideous of lights. The paparazzi hounds these people until it drives them crazy, and then when the people start exhibiting those loose screws in public, the media pounces again making them CRAZIER. Just to prove it, Brittney fucked up a cameraman for invading her personal space- GOOD! The ironic thing is that people in the media act surprised when these crazy people end up jumping off cliffs and pumping shotgun shells into their own heads to escape their glamorous lives. When suicide is the only way to escape stardom, something is definitely wrong with stardom…..What the Fuck!

Speaking of celebrity suicide…


Suicide Queen





We are seriously in the need of some REAL dead heroes to mourn. I am SO sick of hearing about that dead blonde chick and all the damn postmortem drama with her momma, her house, her baby, her babydaddies, her lawyer, her dead body, the judge and the damn Bahamian Tourism Minister! I know I sound heartless and cruel, but WHY is society so infatuated with this dead woman's life? If Rigoberta Menchu or Wangari Maathai died in similar mysterious circumstances would there be this much hype?


(step up onto soapbox)

Oh you don't know who these women are?!?! Well, they struggled for years in their respective poverty stricken countries to win rights and freedoms for their fellow citizens, eventually rising to global prominence, each winning the Nobel Peace Prize for their work to SAVE FUCKING HUMANITY!!!!


(step off of soapbox)


Just to put things into perspective, this is Anna Nicole's noble resume in her rise to stardom:


(ahem)


She married some old guy and made him happy for a couple months,

she gets added to his will,

he dies,

she inherits some phat cash,

she poses for Hugh Hefner,

does drugs,

has a (s)hit show glamorizing her life of excess (and by proxy- the drugs),

her son dies from her pills,

she has a baby by her lawyer or ex-boyfriend or gardener,

she dies.

Is it a tragedy? Yes. Is it worth the hours of airtime being devoted to it daily? Nope. In fact, the same day Anna Nicole Smith died, news broke that the US is on the verge of ending the nuclear crisis with North Korea..... and hardly anyone knew about it. Why? Because Anna Nicole's death was more "important" than preventing a possible nuclear showdown. In fact, the news reported yesterday that demented tourists in the Bahamas are hanging around the cemetary where Smith's dead son is buried in the event the judge orders her buried next to him in the next few days. You're in the damn Carribean hanging out in cemetaries instead of the BEACH?!?! What the FUCK. People really need to get lives. What else needs to be said?

Speaking of saying a wee bit too much....

Hate is a Strong Word


Sorry P-toes, I know this is ya boy and all but....

When I was a little tike, my Nana used to tell us, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." What she SHOULD have told us is this, "If you become a famous person with lucrative endorsement deals, status in the sports world and a budding career in color commentary, know when to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Tiny Tim Hardaway could have saved his nice-guy reputation by following my Nana's advice, but instead he wrote his own episode of "When Keepin' it Real Goes Wrong" by saying he "hates gay people" and wouldn't want to play with a gay teammate. Upon seeing that his comments weren't taken with a grain of salt, he immediately issues an apology and says that it was a poor choice of words (no shit), even removing his own name from a car wash that he owns in Miami. He THEN blames his upbringing for his comments, that those words he used are what he grew up with. Why can't people just eat their words with some dignity and stick to their guns? I'm not saying that what he said was good, but his half hearted apology is for damage control, not sincerity. I'd have more respect for him if he had said that he doesn't like homosexuality, but he should have used more appropriate wording. The ironic thing is that people who come out and vehemently rail against homosexuality in that manner do so because they are probably....you guessed it....G-A-Y and using their strong words to protect themselves. So following that logic, Timmy may have just outed himself without realizing it. Hey, he should have thought about Ted Haggard and all his anti-gay rhetoric before opening his mouth. Gays may not be welcomed yet in the mainstream sports world, but it's nice to know that the bad idea called discrimination isn't welcomed either.

Speaking of bad ideas....



Britain begins withdrawal from Iraq- as more American troops Arrive



Claiming that the Southern Iraq town of Basra is relatively "safe" (relative being the most important word), British P.M. Tony Blair announced that 1,600 of the 5,500 British troops in Iraq would begin going home. Not to be outdone, American VP Dickie Cheney said that this withdrawal shows progress in the quest for stability in the closest thing to Hell on Earth. So THAT explains why 20,000 more US troops are being shipped into Iraq- the "dick" and the "pres" don't want them to miss out on all the festivities....Hmm. To the numb-er nut, progress is obvious, right? Sunni-Shia violence is decreasing, insurgent bomb making is getting less sophisticated and fewer US troops are being victimized by bad war planning- just like the powers that be want us to believe. Too bad I'm not the average dummy who blindly believes what the government says without thinking for myself. The truth is, the civil war is spreading and getting worse, US choppers are being shot down weekly and insurgents are beginning to use CHLORINE GAS in their bombmaking for the first time. Yeah Dick, things are getting better. Next they'll be telling us that Elvis and Tupac were found in some hidden bunker in Baghdad. I think it's safe to say officially that the war our government is "seeing" and the war seen by the general public are in two completely different time zones. But I suppose we're not smart enough to figure that out either. What the fuck!

and finally....Speaking of smarts....

Suze Orman Wants to Wed

Suze Orman has revealed that she wishes she could marry her longtime partner- Kathy Travis-so that upon death, she can inherit most of the millions Orman would leave to her rather than lose half of it to estate taxes. Now if you've ever bought one of her best selling books, I suggest you do two things:

1- find any and all of the Orman books in your house and burn them

2- go to the nearest bar and order a shot of everything from the top shelf to help you forget anything you've ever learned from her

Why you ask?

Simple (and it's not because she's gay dammit...anyone who knows me knows how much I love the idea of two women gettin' busy!) This woman owns $7 million is real estate and has managed to to build up an empire worth $20 million, but she can't find a way to buy a house in Massachusets (where gay marriage is legal) and MOVE. Anyone who's smart enough to create that much wealth, but can't spent a few extra hundred thousand to relocate temporaily to marry the love of her life can't be trusted. What the fuck.