The "Price" of style

Ron Price is my newest hero! For those of you who are asking yourselves, Who is that? check this out. I was watching CNN yesterday and stuck in between the report on Bush's arrival in Georgia and the report on the repetative shit he said in a speech to a hand picked, Republican, Cobb County audience- was a report on Ron Price's effort to better his community. He's a Dallas School Board member who is actively seeking to get an ordinance passed to ticket and fine grown ass men who publically walk around with the top of their pants saggin' below the bottom of their asses, a national phenomenon known as "saggin" (they said it just like that in the report! well they used "deriere")




As a teacher who frequently has to stop kids in the hallway and have them pull up their pants, or in extreme cases get yarn to substitute as a belt, I have a devout appreciation for his efforts. I often drive home from work seeing young cats hangin ass-out on the corner or walking down the street as if there is a lump of shit wedged between their thighs. Now, Price is not my hero because he wants to institute a Soviet-era standard of dress, he's my hero because I think it's about time someone stepped forward to take a stand against what I call "pointless fashion statements". I've never been into fashion, followed what clothes are "in" for the moment, or ever cared about what people wear on the gatdamned red carpet. What I DO take notice of is the shit people wear that makes absolutely no sense what so ever. CNN was asking "Where does it stop? Do we start ticketing people working at bikini car washes too?" I say HELL YEAH! Get 'em all! And these are the folks I'd be writing up first:




Saggers- Saggers would at the top of the list mainly because the ONE part of the human body that will always smell worse than smelly armpits is YOUR ASS. Clothes serve two purposes, 1) covering your essential body parts 2) hiding whatever odor is naturally emitted from your body. If your ass is hanging out, chances are YOU STINK and the folks standing next to you with their asses out probably stink too. Considering the fact that there ain't no such thing as "ass deoderant" just yet, it might be wise to simply pull em up.

Punishment- $20 for the ass out and $75 for stinkin up my space with your ass pollution





Women in high heel shoes- Women, this is for your own good, trust me. I know, I know, shoes are an essential accessory to every woman's wardrobe, and some would argue that the shoes are more important to an outfit than the outfit itself! If that's true, why not just wear the shoes and nothing else to work? I'm sure you'll get whatever you want from your co-workers that day- but I digress. My problem with the high heel shoe is that women have a hard time walking in them, and that's because they make the shoe two sizes two small for your actual foot and you end up with corns, bunyans, hard pads and soreness for days. "But these shoes are so cute!" they say, or "These go SOOO well with my orange blouse!" Women wear these "cute" creatures two days in a row and they can't walk for a week afterward. Risa told me one time that those new super-pointy shoes were SO "in" that women in NY were having their pinky toes amputated so their feet can fit in them more comfortably. What the fuck? When those shoes go out of style, like, six months ago, you have to live the rest of your life with 8 toes and a lack of proper balance! Get some sneakers that match or a pair of comfortable kicks to go with that sexy dress. Honestly, if you look good, you'll look good in anything. You could probably walk around barefoot and the guys wouldn't even notice. Right MEN?!?!?! (RIGHT!)

Oh damn, I forgot. Women dress to impress other women- not men! How jacked up is that.....

Punishment- return all tight, too small, ugly and otherwise uncomfortable shoes to the stores you got them from OR donate to the male transvestite of your choice. Let HIM suffer a bit and realize that being a woman is hard work, especially when you have to deal with them catty, low-down dirty, female critics all the time!






Trendy frat boys who wear shades on the back of their necks instead of on their faces- as if ANYONE really has eyes in the back of their head (except my momma!). I want to meet the fool who thought this was innovative and slap the shit out of him. I was on the tram that carries airline passengers from the gate to the main terminal in the Denver airport and there is this group of three Trendies ("vesties" as we called them back in the day -only my sister and Amber will get the reference). All three of them were dressed exactly alike, (khaki shorts, polo shirts) and all three had shades on the backs of their necks! Don't ask why this annoyed me so much but I HAD to find out where this trend comes from and this is what I discovered. There is actually a very practical purpose for it:

The Australian Magpie is fairly agressive towards humans, so much so that these birds are known to swoop down and attack people from behind as they walk down the street. What they have suggested is that people simply wear glasses on the back of their necks to keep the magpies at bay.


above: punk ass bird

Hmmm. I can only conclude that some frat boys went to Australia on Spring Break and saw all these Aussies walking down some street in sunny Melbourne with backward facing sunglasses. Being the conformists frat boys tend to be at times, they all turned their dark glasses backwards thinking it a novel idea rather than a practical magpie deterrent. Upon arriving in the States, other conformist frat boys saw the new "style" and joined in, spreading the fad across the nation. Now there's a large herd of college age kids walking around looking silly. Man, I LOVE being an individual sometimes....

Punishment- $200 and a quick slap in the face for being impractical, and an additional $100 for being a cheeseball and wanting to be just like a bunch of other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs...





The "oops" thong- For most men I know, this sort of thing is quite sexy- in fact there are websites dedicated to the occurence of the thong that pops out in the most inopportune and unsuspecting moments. But call me an exception to the rule. If I'm sitting at some outdoor restaurant about to dive into a plate of pasta, the LAST thing I want to see is THIS:



Sorry ladies, no double standard here! Men need to keep their asses tucked safely away and so do the lot of you! Some women actually buy pants specifically for the sole purpose of showing off their underwear to the public, but truth be told, a man would much rather see your thong in the privacy of his bachelor pad, not in the mall. Now, I know designers are cutting pants lower and lower around the waist every year, but be strong and rebel! Be beautful, not tacky.

Punishment- slap on the wrist....(hey it's a minor offense)

and finally:






Men in leather pants- (This violation excludes motorcyclists) I had the longest argument with my mom about whether men should be wearing leather pants.


Mom: "They're in style now!" she said.

Me: "They were in style when Cameo and the Gap Band were on the charts! These days it's a no- no."

Mom: "Your dad wears them!"

Me (sarcastically): "Uhhhh, that's not supposed to convince me is it?" (sorry Dad.)


See, the thing with leather pants is that I remember being a little kid and listening to my parents' albums- Earth Wind and Fire, Lou Rawls, Kool and the Gang, Midnight Star. The album covers were always outta sight and I remember thinking how cool their clothes were and I wanted to dress JUST LIKE THAT when I grew up.

Twenty years and a whole lotta sense later I've realized the error of my ways. No one wants to dress like they did back then and with good reason. Tight leather pants might have attracted a few women, but their balls had to suffer because of it, and who wants to live life with hurtin' balls?

Punishment: $80 for still living in the 80's and community service with John Wayne Bobbit.

Feel free to list some fashion no-no's of your own!