Just a place for random rantings and ravings.....

Monday, June 19, 2006

Here Comes the Bride

"Here's the problem with weddings. A woman gets married thinking that the man will change and he ends up staying the same. A man gets married thinking that the woman will stay the same, and she ends up changing."- unknown

This past weekend, I travelled to Pittsburgh to be a groomsman in my boy Steve's wedding. It was an honor for me of course, even though I hate weddings. Check that. I don't hate weddings. I hate what they do to normally functional, even keeled, rationally thinking people. I'm not even referring to the marriage part after the wedding. I'm talking about THE wedding, and all of that brain erosion can be blamed on one word, DETAIL. The stresses of the wedding day stem from the compounding of tiny, (in)significant details, growing exponentially as the days pass- from the venue to the meal choices to the colors of the groomsmen's ties (Steve hid our lime green ties from us until the day of the wedding......sneaky bastard.) By the end of this year I will have six more friends who have taken the plunge of matrimony, and it happens to be the sixth month of the year AND I am entering my sixth year of teaching.....6-6-6!!!!! It's the END OF THE WORLD!!! The Devil's on his way!!!!! OK I was just making sure you're still paying attention. On with the story.....

Steve and Jennifer's wedding was one of the most elegant I've ever been to- a beautiful chapel at the U. of Pittsburgh, delicious dinners in the fanciest of spots for the guests and wedding party, easy to follow directions to each venue, and lots of great alcohol for all to help intensify the revelry. Not to get off the subject- or be critical, but can someone tell me why Dom Perignon is so special. I had my first taste of "Dom" at the wedding and I just don't get it....Who is this arrogant Dom Perignon person and what makes his champange so critical to special occasions? (15 points to the person who can give me a good excuse, reason or rationale.) Anyway, everything that could possibly have been thought of was included in the reception- pink and green decor everywhere, rose petals sprinkled across each table, Fat Tire New Belgian beer straight from Colorado, and little caramel-filled powdered sugar cookies neatly wrapped in celephane with tiny green and pink labels saying "Jennifer and Steve's Wedding- June 16th 2006". The funny thing is that had any of these special extras been left off the "must have" list, no one would have been the wiser. It STILL would have been a beautiful event. On the flip side, it was the smallest of details that made the wedding SO beautiful.

However, behind all those must have, line-item wedding ideas is some formerly straight laced individual who's lost some weight, half of their hair, all of their mind and formed a new drug habit to replace the senses they've lost. Just to give you an idea of what I mean, as groomsmen, our job was to obviously help the groom in the final preparations for the wedding. Two hours 'till liftoff, Steve had us in his kitchen with bath towels- wiping off wet wine and beer bottles that had previously been chilled in tubs of ice. He wanted us to put the bottles back in the boxes they were originally shipped in so our ultimate job was to keep the cardboard boxes from falling apart from moisture. Me being the one to make a small suggestion at the wrong moment, I ask, "Since these drinks will eventually get returned to ice anyway, why don't we just leave them in the tubs and put the shit in the car as-is? Wouldn't that make sense?" PJ, an old friend from high school and fellow groomsman says to me as he picks up another bottle to dry off, "It doesn't matter whether it makes sense or not. Shut up and do your job!" Obviously, someone else had seen the logic in my thinking, but it didn't matter. What I thought didn't matter at all that day because this was Steve's day and he was going to get whatever he wanted. That was our assignment- making sure he got whatever he needed so he wouldn't crack under the pressure and run through the chapel butt ass nekkid (not "naked", NEKKID!!!). If he wanted the four of us to go next door and slap the shit out of his 6 foot 4 neighbor because his dog pissed on Jennifer's flower garden- just for a laugh, Big Bob would have had the embarrassment of four pimp slaps to the face- one Black, one Indian, one White and one Jewish. (You gotta give Steve -who is half Peruvian- some credit for having the most ethnically diversified set of debonaire groomsmen Pittsburgh has ever seen!!!!) So I relented and kept wiping off ice cold, wet ass bottles of alcohol for the reception, joking to myself that I hope I don't have my friends doing crazy shit like this one day..... but you never know..............

The point is that all the tiny wedding details drive the people getting married fuckin' nuts and in the end, they stop caring about all the small things and just want the shit to be over with. Flowers, dresses, food, ribbons, tuxes, caterers, bands/dj, gazebos, caramel cookies- they all become "stuff to deal with". Here are some of my favorite pre/post wedding quotes (or paraphrases) from married or soon-to-be married people. Names are not included because they should already know who they are: (50 points if the spouse can guess the orator- 25 points if you cheat and guess your own quote)

"If I knew how much shit went into a wedding, I would have told his ass to meet me at the courthouse!"

"I don't want anything to do with it. I told her, 'Just tell me when to show up and I'll be there.'"

"It's soooo much shit Yah, you just wouldn't believe...soooo much shit."

"I'm not making anymore decisions!!! If something goes wrong, someone else will have to deal with it! Fuckit."

"Trying on a wedding dress is a bit degrading. You stand on a pedestal and have all these women judge how you look in it. I just decided to sneak back to the bridal shop by myself and get the one I wanted in the first place."

I'm beginning to believe that the massive combination of all the details for a wedding ceremony are there to keep the bride and groom assured in their mutual decisions to get married. If they can't handle all the minute elements of a wedding, how can they handle the marriage? It's a scary idea, but maybe there's some truth to it. Needless to say, Steve held his shit together and in the end, he and his wife-to-be were finally able to look into each other's eyes and say "I do". They both looked so relieved, and I can't help but think that some of their relief had to do with the fact that someone ELSE has to deal with the details now. I must say that it was kind of endearing to see them so happy and all the stresses of the previous months was finally behind them. Congratulations you two- and enjoy the honeymoon in Greece and Turkey!

I also want to dedicate this blog installment to all my married friends- keep fighting the good fight:

Jordan and Risa, Hash and Vanita, Daniel and Kelly, PJ and Joanna, Kareema and Jay, Aaron and Tracy, Krishna and Anjouli (did I spell that right?) Al E. and Jill, Mark and Anna

and my soon to be married friends:
Al C. and Jessica, Sarah and Jim, Chris and Christina (hee hee hee....hey, you jinxed us so now it's my turn!!!!)


Blogger Mimi said...

Always a groomsman;when are you going to be the groom? Not trying to start anything, but baby-girl needs your name;I'm sure that's not the first time you've heard that.As for Dom, it's like Cristal;
over-rated something people can wear as a BADGE to say they have CLASS; which ordinarily, they do not; to borrow yet another one of my mother's sayings, "Dom & Cristal taste like panther-piss". somebody said that they were good because they have a hefty price tag. I'm glad you enjoyed the wedding! Hug & Kiss the new BABY for me. Love, micki

Thu Jun 22, 11:37:00 AM

Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Say brotha.....interesting how my latest blog entry in "The Dragon" was about death and your latest entry is about marriage. Things that make you go "hmmmmmmmm"

Fri Jun 23, 10:25:00 AM

Anonymous sayrah77 said...

Shit - 78 more days if I counted right. Here's the dirty truth - now don't read this out loud or anything - someone might hear you...

Weddings are not for the people getting married.

Now, you may think that they are, and that when you get married, it will be all about what you and your partner want. And sure, you could fight every single tradition that makes your gut twinge when you hear it, but why? It's really to give people a good show and let them share in your blissful love.

You choose some good-natured cast members previously known to have kept you sane in times of insanity, dress up in costumes, follow a script that will make people laugh, cry and feel connected to the characters in front of them, and throw a party to congratulate yourself for a job well done.

So let your future mother-in-law devise a decorating scheme for the reception tent where everything has "SHINE" and "POP", let your dad "give you away" like you were his to begin with, smile pretty in your tiara and cowboy boots (hey, you don't have to give up everything!) and have yourself one hell of a good time. After all, when it's all over, you'll be with the love of your life. Your guests will remember what a good time they had and how in love you looked.

And you'll be BUTT ASS NEKKID on a beach in Costa Rica!

(Contents of this posting not to be used in any of Yahya's "Maid" of Honor speeches)

Fri Jun 23, 10:41:00 AM

Blogger Counselor said...

Stop using your blog for EVIL! LOL.

Weddings can be a great thing--depending on how you handle it.
It's a time for you to celebrate the beginning of your married life with friends and family. In fact, I'd like to think of it as the formal joining of two families.

Often times, weddings get out of hand because it becomes just another platform for "keeping up with the Jones'". I think smaller is always better...

...Besides, if you've made the right mate selection, it's a once in a lifetime event--so it should be as special (and affordable) as possible.

Thanks for the "666 shout-out"?? If it happens, I'll be sure to pick a color that compliments your frame and skin tone..... I'm thinking something backless....with a lavendar bow tie... :)

p.s. If you didn't have "ADHD: Sexual Edition", then my jinx wouldn't have worked!! Kiss the baby...and buy that ring.....LOL

Fri Jun 23, 11:43:00 AM

Anonymous risa said...

weddings bring out the demons in people. it is true. one of my favorite lines from the planning of ours was when i told my mother that i wasn't going to wear white and she asked me why i feel the need to announce to the whole world that i'm not a virgin. um...i was 28 and had been living with jordan for several years. was there anyone at our wedding who seriously thought i was a virgin? sheesh!

Fri Jun 23, 12:56:00 PM

Blogger ambandenva2 said...


I have been thinking about the whole marriage thing lately and I am not so sure that it is for me at the moment. Almost every example of it that I have seen does not give me hope. I know that you were focusing on the wedding, which should only be one day in the life of the marriage and I agree people do the most. I just think women mainly live for their wedding day. You dream of colors and dresses and places, but what we don't look at is the actual marriage which is the most important part of the whole thing. Who cares if the flower girl got dirty before the ceremony? I mean she is a child. Who cares if the bridesmaids and groomsmen are off beat? Yeah people might remember that, but what counts most is that you have wed the person that you truly love and you are happy. No matter what people say it should never be rushed. I have seen what happens when people do that. Scary. Hmm maybe I will do a blog on this subject myself. Anyway, happy marriages to all who have found the right one.
Still confused,

Thu Jun 29, 01:25:00 AM

Anonymous crookedtoes said...

what i think you hit upon so nicely here paz, and i guess what bothers me most about weddings is what a crock so much of the hooplah can be. when i got married, i felt like a lot of the planning wasn´t about doing things that meant something to us as a couple. it was all about the industry (and the wedding industry is ginourmous!) selling stuff or planting seeds in folks´heads about the way things have to be. we got into so many little (and big) arguments with folks that said ignorant things like, ¨but this is how it´s done at a wedding.¨ no room for critical thinking or thinking about the big picture (ahhemm!! the marriage).

and i agree, ms. ambahdenva2 who i haven´t seen in a gazillion years. not rushing and really thinking about relationships is what´s most important....but all the movies and magazines going around try to make you feel like a failure so that you jump in, walk down the aisle and buy tons of white or cream colored stuff for the big day. i think we need a ¨fast food nation¨ or ¨supersize me¨ for the wedding industry; the downside of ¨the perfect day¨ is ugly, man.

Fri Jun 30, 12:02:00 PM

Blogger paz y amor said...

J, I think you and Risa had the best idea when you wanted to run off and get married before the wedding- just the two of you, cause that's what it's all about!

Fri Jun 30, 02:56:00 PM

Anonymous Esse said...


As this was my wedding, yahya is talking about I feel the need to comment. First off I feel honored at having this event immortalized in Paz Y Amor's blog. Second, although there was some preasure in that critical alcohol bottle wiping hour, there was little to no anger both on my side and the brides throughout the whole day. Third, part of the reason for that preasure was 'cuz we couldn't get ourselves unglued from the Ghana victory over the the whiteys, I mean the czech republic. Fourth, we didn't bring the alcohol in the tubs 'cause they wouldn't have fit in the car that way. Fifth, Yahya had such a damn good time, he was too drunk to show the white people how to really get down on the dance floor. Sixth, Turkey is the bomb, would recommend it to anybody looking for a good vacation.

Que paz sea con tigo, hermano.

Tue Jul 04, 09:35:00 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home