Just a place for random rantings and ravings.....

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Thank GOD for naturally occurring strange bedfellows

I read an article today (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13812938/)that said circumsized men have a significantly lower risk of AIDS infection than uncircumsized men. Apparently the foreskin- when left attached, gives the HIV virus with a warm, wet, cozy place to hang out and wreak havoc. Along with this shelter, the foreskin provides the virus plenty of human penis cells to feed on, subsequently infects the man attached to that penis, AND the unfortunate person he's bumpin uglies with. All I can say to that is THANK YOU DR. WHOMEVER for snipping my shit way back in 1976!!! It's no longer an issue of cleanliness and hygiene, it's now a matter of LIFE and DEATH! Who could have known that cutting a few centimeters of skin off a baby could be one preventative measure against the modern incarnation of the Plague? I can only imagine that some imam or rabbi in the old days had a bad vision of diseased, gangrene phallises late one night and the next morning decreed, "All boys born in the land shall have their penis-skins clipped at birth! For the sake of all humanity for centuries to come!!!! God willing!!!" I suppose we owe him a bit of thanks and gratitude as well.

It's funny how life's little quirks work out in your favor sometimes.

During a visit to my urologist two years ago, the nursing technician (or whoever that person is) calmly asked me a series of questions:

"Any history of heart disease?"
"No."
"Kidney Disease?"
"No."
"Do you smoke or use recreational drugs?"
"Not a chance my man."
"Alright. How often do you ejaculate per week- self imposed or otherwise?"
"Ummmmmm..."

You can only imagine what my perplexed face looked like when THAT one came out of his mouth! Aside from the fact that it was an obscure question, he wasn't even the DOCTOR- he was just the peon they sent to ask all the personal questions that the doctor doesn't feel like dealing with. This is the type of question you want to lie about when answering for fear of having the interviewer laugh hysterically at your answer, but since this was an issue regarding my health, I thought it best to answer honestly. So I took a deep breath and said slowly, carefully, "Well....... three........ maybe.......four........ times a week", my face wincing as I spoke. I was EXPECTING to receive some medical news that would make me regret all those late night moments I spent by myself over the last 15 years or so, but what he said next surprised the hell outta me.

"Three or four times eh?......... Good!"
"Huh? Come again? (that's not a pun perverts!!!! especially you S.G.)"
"Yeah. See, regular ejaculations help clean out the blah blah blah tract and gets rid of bacteria sitting inside the wha wha wha organ and helps the whodawadawon maintain the somethinorother. AND it lowers your risk for prostate cancer."
"Ohhhhhhhhh.....WOW, FOR REAL?!?!?!?!?!"

After my appointment I seemed to float from the front steps of the office building to my car, happy to know that I actually received some GOOD news from my doctor. How often does THAT happen? Contrary to what some self righteous, religified folks would say, my nights of "sin" contributing to an impending bout of blindness were actually beneficial to my life. How could I have known?

So men, there's two things you should have learned to day:
1) If you're not clipped, get clipped. It's safe, easy and helps keep you and your littlest best friend healthy.
2) Regardless of what the looney evangelical "preachers" say on tv, masterbation is NOT a sin. In all actuality, pent up seminal fluid is detrimental to your health so if you're not getting any from your significant other, make sure you're getting some from yourself- often.
3) Spread the knowledge, especially to those sex deprived members of the pack. Endorse masterbation. You could save a life.

And ladies, you know I can't leave you out. There's a lesson or two you can learn as well:
1) Even if you don't like givin' your man some, you're actually doing him a favor by making his little friend spit up from erotic hapiness. If you don't wanna do it because he's a fat, lazy, nasty, football watchin', couch potatoesque bum, let someone else do it. Or at the very least, give him twenty minutes of daily private solo time and instant access to his porn collection.

2) Penile circumcision affects your health as well! Foreskin may carry a germ or two- even if it ain't THE germ- and could give you a nasty bladder or urinary tract infection if not cleaned properly. If your man isn't clipped or has a hard time cleaning that tricky corner of his anatomy, give him two options- a) he gets a self imposed clipping at the doc's or b) he gets to see your best Lorena Bobbit impression. But PLEEEEEZE, give him a couple days to think about it before you get to choppin.


8 Comments:

Anonymous sayrah77 said...

I am all for cleanliness! However, there are upsides and downsides to circumcision, I think. Upside - easy to keep squeaky clean, doesn't look like a weird turtle. BUT that extra little flap of skin does some groovy, yummy stuff to a lady when you're bumpin' uglies. :) I vote for keeping it clean and keeping the pleasure wagon going if you're not already snipped!

Wed Jul 12, 09:24:00 AM

 
Blogger Kiyotoe said...

Yo man, i'm startin' to worry about you. What on EARF, inspired you to share this with us. I mean, to some of us (like a certain lil' brother of ours) it may be beneficial, but most of us, have been taken care of (isn't it required)?

P.S. - You sound so passionate when discussing soccer and sex. Why is that? How 'bout education? Parenthood? Brotherhood? Football?? Huh????

Wed Jul 12, 10:06:00 AM

 
Anonymous p toes said...

man. the surprises on this thing are wonderful, paz.

Wed Jul 12, 01:37:00 PM

 
Anonymous risa said...

ahhh! i wish you were here to talk about this with som eecuadorian young folk. it is the rare person here who talks about such things so openly. penis power!

Wed Jul 12, 01:48:00 PM

 
Blogger IB Ulchur said...

Ecuadorian young folk? Why? Lol...I am ecuadorian an I speak openly bout it...
PAX

Thu Jul 13, 02:12:00 PM

 
Blogger IB Ulchur said...

But you may be right, generally this kind of subjects are subject to censure and rejection.

Thu Jul 13, 10:11:00 PM

 
Blogger Counselor said...

Wow...

That was the most graphic blog I've ever read. I'm not sure if I'm excited or disgusted...Thank You...

Counselor tip of the day: If you can't love the one you're with--love yourself...lol

Tue Jul 18, 03:13:00 PM

 
Blogger Corri Bischer said...

So now can men make the argument that paying a hooker is a medical neccesity? Can they take it off their taxes? If we grant them the "me" time, they won't take it-now it is no fun if they aren't sneaking off in bathroom late at night (I think that adds to the excitement). Great article thanks. When he says he isn't in the mood, I will tell him his doctor called. hahahahah lol

Thu Jul 20, 07:08:00 PM

 

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