The Path

Sex, Drugs

2009-02-03T15:19:00.000-08:00

I'm all in favor of legalizing drugs! If someone wants to kill themselves by taking drugs, fine by me. That leaves more good air for the rest of us to breath. - Ed Mann, my 11th grade Science teacher.

As I reported in an earlier post, I don't give two shits about the Olympics. I understand that it's a huge deal to the athletes who train all their lives just to compete for a shot at glory in some international city, but for me it's not such a big deal. 97% of the sports that are showcased are sports that people only care about while the Olympics are occuring and afterwards, track, water ballet, gymnastics, weight lifting and high speed dreidl spinning end up returning to hellish obscurity for another three and a half years. That being said, I care even less about what the Olympic athletes do in their spare time.

The drug addicted world of international olympic sport found yet another violator of it's "anti-drug" policy when America's newest golden boy Michael Phelps was "caught" sucking on a bong, smoking a green substance that MAY be marijuana. An uber-small percentage of American citizens were shocked and his once-tephlon image that before was this:

has now turned to this (puff.. puff... pass...)

My question is simply Why? He's 23, sowing his youthful oats and living his life the way he wants. Very few among us have lives a truly purified life, and those of you who have need to be confined to a nut house for the rest of your days! Unfortunately the fallout from this picture is beginning; first, the half hearted apology for his "regretful decision-making", then sponsors consider walking away with Kellogg's being the first of many to come. Now, Phelps might be facing drug charges stemming from the picture because some puritanical S. KKKarolinian sheriff didn't enjoy his college years, and in turn wants Mike to suffer for enjoying his. Booo that man!!! The sheriff- not Mike.

In a bit of hilariously related sports news, the nation's switch to digital television took a bit of an obscure step backwards when Super Bowl watching fans in Arizona were suddenly subjected to at least 30 seconds of the Club Jenna porn station...UNSCRAMBLED during the fourth quarter!!! One prudish woman was quoted as saying, "I was in a state of shock. I am totally disgusted." and rightfully so! No one watches the Super Bowl expecting to see the human anatomy in all its fine glory, but no one expected the Cardinals to be in the Super Bowl either. I can understand if her kids were watching and then all of a sudden they got their first taste of Ron Jeremy cinema at its finest. Can you imagine all the conversations that popped up in the family room after that?!?!

"Ummm, Daddy, what was that?"

"Uhhh, uhhh...."

"Daddy, what happened? What was that thing going into that lady?"

"Uhhhh, uhhhhh...."

"Daddy, did that lady get hurt?"

"Uhhhh, uhhh...."

"Mommy do you like watching stuff like this?"

"No honey, why do you ask?"

"Well, Daddy does when you're spending the weekend at Auntie Vanessa's..."

I mean, how do you explain this one to your six or seven year old? Initial reports suggest that it was a deliberately malicious act by some sabateur. Personally, I think some guy (or gal) was in the local station jerking the magic stick in the control room and accidently pushed the wrong button subsequently beaming the porn to millions of Arizonans. Think about which theory makes more sense! Who in their right mind would deliberately sabotage their relatively secure job in this fucked up economy just for a laugh?

In all this media hoopla, there's a couple of huge ironies to me. Firstly, the naked human body (male or female) is a beautiful creation in my opinion. Whether individual bodies are "beautiful" or not is up to debate, but the human body itself is a perfect work of art from top to bottom. Why is it that we feel the need to hide it behind blackouts and scrambles on television and in magazines? The irony is that America is completely infatuated with the horrible things that occur in the world rather than the beautiful. Daily, we're inundated with violent images and never seem to have a problem seeing the images of dead people lying in the streets of Baghdad or explosions that wipe out entire city blocks, but when a part of the human anatomy is flashed across the screen, all HELL breaks loose and the FCC wants to impose insane fines on news stations for indecent material. People always slow down at car accidents hoping to get a glimpse of someone's severely damaged car (and possibly the driver's damaged body) but seeing a penis or a breast is so horrific!

Secondly, most of the folks who were appalled by the images of Phelps getting high and/or Jenna's porn station are more than likely people who have at one time a) tried weed and/or b) seen a naked body and/or c) had sex. Plain and simple. Don't get me wrong, I understand the outrage of a parent having to explain why they like porn earlier than expected, but I'd rather explain what sex is to my child than explain why there are kids her age in Gaza who have been killed by tanks.

Now, as a parent I want to teach my child early on about sex and drugs, and I plan on teaching her the "right way"- whatever that is. That way, all misconceptions and mysteries about them are gone by the time she starts having those conversations with her friends. It'll go something like this:

"Naimah, weed is ok. It's a natural plant and all four of your grandparents smoke it! (No teenager wants to do anything remotely similar to what their grandparents do!) If you're 18 and you want to smoke a little weed every now and then- fine, but don't you DARE try any other drug or I'll kill you! Sex is off limits until you're 35. If I catch you anywhere near a boy before then, I'll kill him and chain you to your mother!"

Do you think she'll have issues?

OK, ok, I'll do it the right way, I promise!

WTF

2009-01-19T18:35:00.000-08:00

I hate to do it considering what today is (MLK Day/Obama Day Eve), but it's time for another installment of What the Fuck. Normally, my WTF's consist of blatantly odd, disgusting or incomprehensible news from around this planet of ours and invariably leads me to do a lot of cursing. This time however, despite N. Korea claiming (again) to have build a nuclear weapon, Israelis and Palestinians (again) bombing the hell out of each other, and the fact that I have to go to work in the morning (AGAIN!), the news is strangely odd in a good way, which will keep me from cursing too much. Let's just say that the underlying theme of today's post is "things I never thought I'd see in my lifetime". Bear with me.....

Obamaday 2009

Today we celebrated the birthday of one of the greatest men to walk the earth (even though today ain't his birthday) and tomorrow we celebrate the swearing in of the nation's first African American president. I NEVER thought I'd see this day, and here it is, less than 24 hours away. I called my grandmother on the night of the election in November and heard her cry tears of joy that she was able to see Obama get elected and it meant more to her that it will EVER mean to me. She had endured the humiliation of Jim Crow's segregationist ways. She protested during the Civil Rights Movements and joined the Congress Of Racial Equality. She had witnessed the transformation of the country from the shell of what it should have been into the great, beautiful place it has become. There is little doubt that we as a country have made great strides from 50 years ago, and no one is more proud than me that my lack of high expectations has been proven wrong, I just hope Obama does a good job while he's in office. Because if not, it'll be another Martin Luther King and another 200 before another African American is elected president! :)

He did WHAT?

Speaking of presidents, I don't like the one we have today (that is until the new one is sworn in). Being that I don't like him, it makes it very difficult for me to admire anything he says or does and I honestly believe that due to his failed policies, arrogance and pure unadulturated idiocy, GW Bush will go down in history as the WORST president we've ever had, bar none. Worse than Hoover, worse than Coolidge, worse than Carter (see, I know a LITTLE history). Today though, after eight excrutiating years of fuckedupedness, he FINALLY made a decision I can respect- he freed the two border agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean who were, in my opinion wrongly convicted. If you don't know the story, these two got into a firefight with a drug smuggler on the Mexican-American border. They shot the crook in the ass and arrested him, but THEY ended up going to jail, tried and convicted for attempted murder. Luckily, Dubya found some brain cells within the waning hours of his sad presidency and decided to commute their sentences. I never thought I'd say this but- good job Bubba, it's about fuckin' time!

Super Bowl Bound

Since I was a kid, the St. Louis/Arizona Cardinals have been the laughing stock of the NFL. Er, let me rephrase, the Cardinals have always been SHITTY, and I can't remember one season where they actually were a good team. Because of that fact, I've always had a special place in my heart for them and other perennial underachieving underdogs (like the Cubs). I can't help it that it always makes me feel better when the team that's supposed to win loses! Well yesterday the Cardinals earned themselves a spot in the Superbowl by beating up on my Philadelphia Eagles (my second team after the Broncos) and I almost, ALMOST choked up when I saw this. I'm so tired of seeing grown men cry! Of all the teams in the NFL, I NEVER thought I'd see Cardinal red in the Super Bowl, but considering the year it's been I suppose any miracle is possible.

He did WHAT? (part II)

Now, the above story is about football, the American version with all the pads, helmets and oblong ball. This next one is about FUTbol, the version played in the rest of the world with two goals and a round ball. I've learned a lot about this sport over the last few years and have become more passionate about it than it's American cousin (Go Villa!!!). There are some obvious differences between the two, but many things are all too similar like the fanatical crowds that come to see the games, the advertising painted EVERYFUCKINWHERE and especially the vast sums of money that is generated and eventually exchanges hands each year. Now let me present a scenario to you. Let's say you've been an employee at a high profile job for several years and like where you work. Your job likes having you, but another company (one less glamorous than your present employer) wants you to come work for them. Let's say this other company is willing to pay you $800,000 a week to move to another country, would you do it? Of course most of us would pack up our belongings faster than a Cambodian whore catches the Clap, and most athletes would too, but something strange happened in the world of sports today. This guy Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite, also known as "Kaka" turned down that very offer from a team in England to stay with his team in Italy. Did you hear me people!?!?! He refused $800,000 a WEEK. WOW is all I can say. Aside from the fact that no human on this earth needs to make that kind of money, his rationale was that he had to "follow his heart" which meant remaining loyal to his team, AC Milan. This is stuff all true sports fans want to hear. The bigger impact is that he restored some faith that some folks care more about the sport than the money and that is what the fuck I'd like to see more of from these whiny ass, punk ass, selfish athletes.

Happy Obama Day!

So Long 2008! Fuck Off...

2008-12-11T15:48:00.000-08:00

Holy shit it's been a while since I've been inspired to write on this thing. OK, that's not quite true, I've been inspired but I haven't had the time or energy to post much. Now that actually have the time to put e-pen to e-paper, I don't have shit to say. I'm sitting in this coffee shop with my laptop which hasn't had wireless capabilities until today, eavesdropping on other people's conversations and contemplating the ways of the world, but I'm coming up empty. Wait....wait...I've got something.....and it's the buzzword of the year...."CHANGE" and dammit we need a lot of it.

2008 has been one fucked up year for me personally and many other people near and dear to my heart. Friends of mine have lost their homes and/or jobs, parents and spouses have passed, and my boy and his wife even lost their month-old child. Friends are divorcing, breaking up with long time girlfriends (which is actually a good thing!), the world economy is in the gutter and some of us are losing their minds, our minds, their minds, my minds....and honestly I can't WAIT for 2009 to get here so we can all collectivey tell 2008 to kiss our mutha-fuckin-smelly-two-bit-asses.

Not all of 2008 has been horrible though as there have been some bright spots. For example, Woozie's out the closet and off to college, Nasir is a single man (FINALLY!!!), my daughter is no longer pissing on the floor, my sister and brother-in-law brought a new baby boy into our family and the Counselor and Kiyotoe are preparing to welcome a little tyke of their own....but change for the better is good and sorely needed, and what better way than to establish some New Year's resolutions. I've come to the realization that I never, ever stick to mine so I'm pledging to finally maintain some consistency.

So here we go:

Resolution 1- Politics

Like the relatively slim majority of America and most of my friends (except Hollow Man) I voted for Barack Obama this election cycle and honestly, I'm still in disbelief that he actually got elected. When I was in high school, my boy PJ predicted that our generation would be the one that would elect the first Black president. I probably called him a liar in my teenaged head, not to be rude, but because I didn't believe that America would be ready for that type of revolutionary idea in my lifetime. So ok PJ, you were right and I'll be the first to admit it even if you probably don't even rememeber that conversation. So far, I've been impressed by how well Obama has handled the pressure, and he's doing it far better than the current lame-duck-in-charge but the work is just beginning considering all the fucked up shit he's got to repair.

******News Flash*********

Wait, wait, did anyone see that reporter throw his shoes at Bush over the weekend? That shit is heeeelarious!!!! Apparently just showing someone the soles of your shoes is considered offensive in the Arab world and throwing your shoes akin to telling your mother to "go fuck a donkey!" So I guess that shows how much people really appreciate Mr. Bush's idea to "liberate" Iraq.....Ok back to the story....

I like Obama a lot and think he's going to be good for the country, however I don't see Obama as the savior many people see him as. He's STILL a politician who thinks like a politician, but wants to be viewed as a person who thinks like the rest of us. I REALLY hope he's the rarest of politicians who really has "the people" in mind when he makes decisions that affect US. Though skeptical, my political resolution is to put more faith in the political system and hope that the changes we voted for are real.

Resolution 2- Communication

I mentioned to a friend of mine the other day that "The more ways they come up with for us to communicate, the less people actually communicate!" and it's SOOOO true. We have text messaging, email, facebook, myspace, skype, fax, and instant messaging but we're steadily losing our ability to actually talk to one another. While driving down the street last week, I saw this small group of teens walking and all of them were on their cell phones, talking to other people. Back in "our day", if we were in a small pack, we'd be talking to each other about something instead of chatting it up with someone else! What the fuck? I was introduced to Facebook almost two years ago before it was the haven for the people who want to find their former classmates and I thought it was bullshit- another Myspace if you will (which is STILL shyte if you ask me). This year I got back into the Facebook phenomenon and I was pleasantly surprised to find tons of folks I hadn't seen in years. I went through my "wow" phase after reconnecting with dozens of people who I'd lost contact with- you know the "WHOA I haven't seen that face in YEARS!!!" mode, and now Facebook has completely lost its lustre. After a few quick two and three line conversations with folks I went to high school with, there's nothing more to say really. I've been the last to write so many people who haven't written me back and with a few exceptions, it's clear we shouldn't have gotten back in touch in the first place. Not that it hurts my feelings or anything, but it's not surprising that we lost contact way-back-when because we probably didn't have too much to say to each other way-back-when anyway. My communication resolution for 2009 is to actually see more of my friends in person rather than just communicate via phone, email and text messages. This coffeeshop and the conversations I'm overhearing are making me nostalgic for the days where I actually looked a person in the eyes when we spoke.

By the way Nic, I'm still waiting for you to "Facebook me"..... (is that what it's called?) You know I'm still planning a mission to Whereveryoulive, Saskatchewan one of these days....

Resolution 3- Habits

All my life I've been relatively lazy and if I don't feel like doing something, it won't get done. My mom used to get mad because she'd tell me to take out the trash and I'd forget because I didn't feel like doing it at the moment. I think I still have a couple bruises from the aftermath of my forgetfulness.......Ahhhh fuck it, I'm not changing on this one- bruises or not. :)

Resolution 4- Eat more butter

My personal struggle this year has been a doozy. Those of you closest in proximity to me know the deal and those of you not in Atlanta will know of it one day. Check my facebook page for more details in about six months! Ok, ok, I'm just kidding! Anyway, this particular struggle has made me realize the frailty of life and that everything can change in an instant (don't worry, I'm not dying...) so I'm living life in a way like I never had before- I'm eating more butter! What the fuck? you ask. Well put it like this, butter represents the best and worst of the culinary experience. Butter is the most fattening condiment you can find this side of a fatal heart attack, but it makes EVERYTHING it touches taste better- breakfast, lunch or dinner. The mo' butter, the mo' better it tastes, and there is no way around that. I used to put just a dribble of butter on my toast fearing my heart will give out at any moment from overexposure. Fuck it I say. If I die of a heart attack tomorrow because my arteries are clogged with buttery goodness- it might just be worth it. Bring it on sexy little Land-O-Lakes Indian lady, who's your daddy!

Resolution #5 Try one new beer every week

I'm not much of a drinker, but Michelle and I found this new local "beer bar" called the Porter Beer Bar that has 5 times more beer on the menu than food items (not an exaggeration)....AND you can sample beers before you buy! I've found a few new brews that I like a lot and a few that taste like bar-b-qued goat testicles rolled in mud, but I can at least say that I tried it (the nasty beer...not the muddy goat testicles.) High gravity beers are the best, and considering that I might keel over any minute from a buttery asphyxiation, a good tasty brew will give my transition a nice buzz.

So for all my fellow sufferers of 2008 (you know who you are) we're moving on to greener pastures and greater things in the new year! Anything short of civil war has to be better than this shit so on the count of three we'll all say FUCK OFF to 2008, so long, farewell, au revoir, kiss my grits, biyatch!.... Ready....

ONE........

TWO................

THREEEEEEE.......

FUC.......wait, ohhhh my heart, my HEART......call 9-1-1.... I've had too much butter!

2008-10-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

When I was younger, one of the first movies my dad took me to was called "Seven Samurai". I'm a little shaky on the details, but more or less it was about a group of seven noble Japanese warriors hired to defend a town from some evil henchman and his army of evil bastards. What I remember most was how, in the face of overwhelming odds they were able to beat back the maurading hoard and attain victory and honor. Even to this day, I STILL love old samurai movies, especially Zatoichi the Blind Swordsman, mainly for the unrealistic scenarios the heros find themselves in. For instance, one samurai movie I saw recently had this amazing scene with a guy armed with nothing more than the clothes on his back and a bamboo stick, running for his life from a mass of 30 some odd attackers armed to the teeth with swords and knives. This guy was trapped in a forest, surrounded by sword wielding pursuers, swinging his little stick wildly as he desperately tried to keep his blood and guts inside his own body. After a few minutes of ducking and dodging, wouldn't ya know it, his ass gets away....somehow. As you watch a scene like that, in the back of your mind you can't help but say, Bullshit. If this was imperial Japan, his ass would have been skewered and diced quicker than a side of Waffle House hashbrowns. But then you remember, it's Hollywood, (or at least the Japanese version of Hollywood) and the reality of a scene is only as authentic as the director's vision......

.....So why is it that THIS asshole can't understand that he's not living in a Japanese samurai movie? Almost fifteen years ago, he gets arrested for the murder of his ex-wife and her boy toy, and in the face of overwhelming odds, mounds of evidence and the opinions of a divided nation regarding his guilt, he gets acquitted a year later. An intelligent person would realize that the Fates were giving them a second chance, AND a warning to keep their fucking nose clean for ...the..rest..of..their...life!! But noohoohooooo, not OJ. He goes and gathers a few "friends" to help him rob some guys of sports memorabilia, all because he thinks he can tempt Fate twice. I knew as soon as he got arrested in Las Vegas after the incident that he had no chance of getting off a second time and sure enough, he's going down. Now in all honesty, part of me feels a bit sorry for him because he was actually trying to get some stuff back that was in fact his, but something in his brain should have told him to do a proverbial cutback that he's so famous for and rethink his actions. You know a little....Wait a second, I KNOW folks are pissed that I got off for knifing my ex. Maybe I need to chill out and just let it go...after all, it's just stuff. The irony of it all is that in reality, the jerseys, footballs and whatever else seemed so important to him at the time- really don't mean shit right now considering the rest of his future is looking like it will be spent behind the stone walls of some Nevada prison, sleeping butt nekkid for his new roommate, Bruno*. As Jurior Bush said, "Fool me once, shame on you- fool me twice...... fool me can't get fooled again" (or something like that). Much like our president, OJ will be remembered not as the brave samurai that got away in the face of overwhelming odds, but instead he'll be remembered as the idiotic samurai who brought a bamboo stick to a sword fight and is expecting to win. You can only get away with so much in this life and (un)fortunately, OJ (and Junior) had to learn this lesson the hard way....

* There's your sleepin' nekkid reference Wooz. Let's see if it works..... Nic, where are you??????

WTF

2008-09-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Yes it's that time again....... and ain't dis some bullshit?!?!?!

The U.S. Economy is Officially on Welfare

As most of you have found out already, the government is planning on "injecting" 700 billion dollars of OUR hard earned tax money into the economy to stave off further damage from the failing housing crisis, bankrupted financial institutions and high priced oil from Hurricanes Katrina, Rita, Ivan, Ike Turner, Larry, Moe, Curley, Tito, Michael, Gustav and Liberace. I understand the highs and lows of the economy and things often go sour from time to time, but WHAT the FUCK, MAN!! I knew back in April when the "p-p-president" was sending out checks left and right to make us feel better about the economy that shit was bad, but WHAT THE FUCK! (and you KNOW it's bad if I have to say that shit twice!) If only a $600 bribe could make people feel better about the shitty state of things and make us "forget" that folks making good money are actually struggling these days. For months, our fearless (read: pussified) leaders have been telling us that the economy is sound, but there's no way these jackasses can talk around this one. To keep from having this proverbial ship capsizing, we have to buy a bunch of worthless assets (from ourselves) and hope that it stabilizes things. Who's bright idea was that?

To quote my boy Hollowman, "The banking crisis falls directly in the lap of the banks who made ridiculous loans..." and we're bailing them out for all the trouble they've caused. Must be nice to have good friends like that! But here's my thing, 1) how the fuck can you just pull out $700 billion from the national asshole without some MAJOR economic whiplash down the line? 2) With the value of the American dollar hovering just above the Candian dollar, and sliding down faster than Britney Spears' career (and mental faculties), what is the incentive for our global partners to keep investing in us when shit repeatedly hits the fan? 3) When China actually decides to stop loaning us money (and here's my paranoid conspiracy theorist coming out), what is going to stop a BILLION Chinese people from getting in boats to come collect? Hmmm....

...AND to top it all off, C"N"N reported that the FBI is investigation fraudulent activities within four of the muthafuckin' financial institutions Congress is plannning on bailing out. I'm not holding my breath for any indictments 'cause I'm positive the hearings will go a little something like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5nQePE6u2U&feature=related

Some would say pointedly, "Well, no shit!" and I can't agree more.

Speaking of a "no shit" moment:

Clay Aiken is officially gay and out the closet.

OK, so who DIDN'T know this some eight years ago? What the fuck? I'm not going to claim that I have the best "gaydar" in the world, I mean, I didn't know Woozie was gay until he said it, (fooled again, doggonnit!!!), but there was no mistaking Clay "Second Place" Aiken. While some guys are able to be a little ambiguous about their sexual orientation and some even come across as sports watchin', wraslin', high fivin', booty chasin', strip club patronzin' mens' men straight guys (enough stereotypes for ya?). Others however just have "homosexual man" written right across their powdered foreheads, and this guy is one of them. I have to admit that I was a little surprised when I read that he had a kid, thinking to myself...."Hmmm, that's odd, isn't he gay?" but hey, I'm the last person to say that a gay man wouldn't make a good dad or shouldn't have kids. Frankly I'm happy for anyone who has the courage to tell society to fuck off and reveal themselves to the public like that. But again, I just have to ask, why is an obviously gay man coming out NEW(s)? I mean, if Mike TYSON or Mick Jagger were to admit that they're gay, then that's NEWS.

Speaking of NEW(s)

Remember my Hero Deborah Jeanne Palfrey? She's BACK from the Dead!

My girl DJ Palfrey was known as the "DC Madam" and for a time literally had Washington's VIP's by the balls- all because she was threatening to release her dirty black book of numbers to the public. She ran a high priced "escort service" that catered to the elite in our nation's capitol and had all kinds of government officials shitting themselves. In my first entry about her, I joked that "you don't fuck with folks in government unless you can get away with it." Sadly, as I wrote in my second entry, in May of this year she was found dead in Florida, an "apparent suicide victim". I never once believed she died by her own hands (obviously) but NOW, like a good Tupac conspiracy theory, I don't think she's even DEAD. In fact, I believe she's alive and well after beating the system of Good 'Ol Boys in DC. She's right under our noses people!!!! And when it hit me, I thought WHAT THE FUCK? That chick looks familiar! Check it out....

Look at those beady black eyes....

.....pensively in thought, pondering her next move against the political establishment.....

......looking awfully (vice) presidential in front of the courthouse.....

......AHA!!!! I KNEW IT!!!

A little plastic surgery, a bit of Alaskan sun and voila!!! From running the whorehouse to running the White House!!! (although some would argue that there's not much of a difference between the two....)

Seven Years Too Late, Dickhead

2008-08-31T12:23:00.001-07:00

I have never been fond of the current president.... or his administration....or his policies...or his voice for that matter. In this politically charged year, it seems our dear, sad, ignorant leader in charge has been sidelined in the media by the newcomers Obama and McCain- not like he's got many interesting things to say in the first place, but still, I find it odd that he's rarely seen or thought of these days. I mean he IS afterall still the "president" right? Today people along the Gulf Coast are preparing for a surprise attack from a newly Communist Russia- Codename:Gustav. Call it the first strike of the new Cold War. Instead of the president heading to Minnesota for the Republican convention- which he's supposed to do as the defacto Head Republican In Charge, he's found it necessary to stay in TEXAS to "monitor the [red] storm" churning in the Gulf of Mexico. Talk about an act of GOD! How convenient is it for him to "opt out" of the convention making it just that much easier for McCain, sexy Ms. VP hopeful Sarah Palin and the rest of the Republican Party to distance themselves from Bush and his asinine policies. NOW he wants to act presidential. NOW he wants to show what a good leader he can be. NOW he wants to show his compassion for American citizens.

I'm sure there were a lot of people within party ranks who tried to make sure the president's invitation to the convention got lost somewhere in the mail, but the Russian storm just gave them an all-out excuse to exclude him altogether. Nice.

My question is this: What the fuck can he do from Texas that he can't do from Minnesota?

Answer: the same bullshit he's been doing for the last 7.5 years....nothing.

WTF

2008-08-28T20:49:00.001-07:00

It's been a minute since one of these came out of me, but after watching the "fair and balanced" Fox"news" coverage of Obama's acceptance speech tonight, I really feel compelled!

Obamaliakos in the Mile High

As some of you know, I have a very good friend of mine who happens to be Greek. Every now and then I'll refer to him as "Nick the Greek", simply because of the fact that his mother is Greek and that he lives in Athens, Greece (not Ohio- or Georgia for that fact). Greece has been the inspiring bedrock of our democratic government since it's inception and has been credited with giving us the freedoms we love to this day. Tonight as I prepared to watch Obama's speech, I got a text from my most die-hard, conservative, Obama hatin' Republican friend "Oaktree". That's not his real name of course, his nickname stems from his height, but we go WAY back and although our ideologies are far from cohesive, I truly respect his opinions despite the fact that we rarely agree (his firebranded blog is to the right- "The World on your Screen"). His text message said, "A Greek Parthenon set Yahya? Come the fuck on man!" This set off a three hour long texting debate through the speech itself and ended up on the subject regarding the "sexy first ladies-to-be" but I won't quote anything from that conversation- it's a bit graphic. Anyway, I'm sitting here at midnight reading various analyses from the speech and I come across, "Obama set too much, says GOP." on CNN. What...the....fuck? That's the only thing they have on this guy? I can hear the right-wing pundits now,

"He gave a good speech, the one he needed to make, but he's inexperienced, his politics are non-existent and, ugh, did you see his set? Oh...my...god! It was too........historical for my tastes. I would have preferred a simple wooden dais with matching revolving sconces and a laced pastel floral arrangement!"

What is this, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy- The Convention Edition!" Fox"n-n-n-news" was quick to point out that the set was built by the same guy who builds sets for Britney Spears. That's GREAT investigative journalism, let me tell ya! As I told Oaktree, "Would it have been better if his speech was given in a bar-b-q joint?" Would THAT symbolize the plight of the American middle class? I knew this election would be interesting, I just didn't know it would get so elementary school.

Hype-impics (yawn)

Now that all the histeria, euphoria and catharsis have settled from the Beijing Olympics, it's time for me to talk a little shit. First, let me say that I am happy for all the athletes from around the globe who trained hard, competed fairly (or unfairly) and won their prized medals, gold, silver and bronze. I am proud of our country's olympians who showed the world that American sports still dominate, and I'm proud of the feats by Michael Phelps, the NBA All-Star team, and all the other people who no one remembers and couldn't name if their life depended on it. I'm even proud of the protesters who dropped unwanted medals to the mat, filed official complaints and kicked referees in the face in disgust when they lost- but what the fuck! For 8.5 years of every decade, no one, and I mean NO ONE gives two shits about watching shooting, pole vaulting, breast strokes, archery, floor routines, 100,000 meter steeple chases, taekwanjudokarate, beach/sea/arena volleyball, field hockey, water polo, kayaking or all the other bullshit events that are featured in the Olympics. But NBC decides to air olympic events and it's the hottest thing since Chinese hookers.....for two weeks. Countries spend BILLIONS of dollars on infrastructure (and giving homeless people one way tickets out of town) just to have the honor of hosting the Olympics....for two weeks, and then after the Olympics leave town, it's back to business as usual. China shut down carcinogenic factories, cut the number of cars on the road in half and "fixed" it's insane air pollution problem...for two weeks. In a month, the skies over Beijing will be back to its familiar tinge of smog and China won't see commitment to the environment like that until it hosts the Olympics again- for two weeks.

I'm not READY!!!

2008-07-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

This summer has been one for the ages! I've never done so much travelling in such a short amount of time, and frankly, I'm happy the summer's over. I just wish I didn't have to go back to work and all the badass kids I'm gonna have this year! All I need is another month to recuperate from all the relaxing I've been doing and I'm good to go, but alas, that's impossible. Shit.

(Did I just say "alas"?)

As a form of therapy, I think it's neccessary that I share my summer experiences with the masses, and maybe that will help me cope with the inevitable fact that soon I'll be surrounded by lots of snot nosed, smart mouthed, 4th graders who want and need my attention 7.5 hours out of the day, five days a week. In the spirit of Mr. Eyechan, (and welcome back to civilization young Sir) here's a pictoral version of my summer. Let's start from the beginning shall we.....

Pudge

This here is Pudge, our newest addition to the family. Pudge and his brother were found under a tree in a school playground by Yours Truly one day in early June. Normally I don't pick up strays, but something inside me told me that I couldn't leave these cute pups to die in the summer heat. They were obviously hungry and thirsty so I went home, got some water and a few leftovers from the fridge and came back to do my best Animal Rescue 911 impression. I put them in the car to take them to PetSmart so they'll be adopted by some loving family, and how do they repay me for my compassion? They THROW UP in my CAR- three times EACH!!! In an instant, I went from being a good samaritan to wanting to leave their flea infested, stinky, car sick asses on the side of the highway in a crate. As you can see, I did the right thing instead and drove my doggy vomit riddled car to the adoption center and after getting them shots and a lengthy conversation with the "adoption lady" I decided to keep them and give them away on my own. After giving Pudge's brother away to a neighborhood kid, I decide to let the runty Pudge stay and bug the shit out of Alpha, our other dog. As you can see, Alpha's not too happy having to share her space.

Montreal

Since November, I've been taking a class trying my best to learn the French language. I started out by taking a class with a teacher and bought a language program on cd. On a whim, I decided that I needed to immerse myself in some French culture over the summer to help with the process. My first choice was to go to France......then I saw the prices for plane tickets and scratched that idea QUICK. Who's got $1700 laying around the house these days? As an alternative, I chose to go to Montreal (pr: Mon-ray-al). I'd never been, and until I calculated the hurting Paris would put on my bank account, I had never considered going- but I'm glad I went. Montreal is actually a very cool place with all the beautiful architecture I love to see when I travel.

The strangest thing is that I met more French people (from France) than I did Canadians. Apparently, Canada is a hot (and CHEAP) tourist destination for the French. Who knew? Anyway, I was able to meet a lot of interesting people who were able to help me speak French just a little bit better.

As an inexpensive alternative to expensive hotels, I decided to stay in a youth hostel called Auberge Chez Jean-which cost me all of $20 a night. It has none of the comforts one expects from a hotel, (like privacy), but it provides the basics: A roof, a bed with clean sheets, bathroom, kitchen etc. Jean is the balding cat in the white shirt sitting at the desk. He's a bit of a strange bird and I think he's technically homeless, he just sleeps in whatever empty bed is available at the hostel. I mean, it's his place (Chez Jean) so he's not "homeless" but he doesn't have his own room. We actually heard a story that he crawled into bed with a traveller at 2 am because he had nowhere else to sleep, nothing sexual, he just needed a place to lay his head. Apparently he told her when she checked in that he'd have to share the bed with her and she thought he was joking.....Oops.

Vincent was my partner in crime and we travelled around the city together a few days, learning a lot about each other's cultures and personal lives. He lives in a small town close to Marseille and I was really surprised how easy it was for me to communicate with him in French, even if I didn't know how to say something specific (merci Flo!). He was completely understanding and would help me out a lot, even telling me the correct phrase in French. He's a very cool guy and I'm glad I got the chance to meet him and expose him to everything American- from big breakfast portions to cheddar cheese to "CP time". Oui Vincent, je croix aussi que las femmes la bas sont tres délicieuses!!! :)

Alexandros was a cat from Brighton, England who didn't even speak French, but came to Montreal for vacation ("holiday" as he called it) before he continued his studies in art design at his University. I asked him how long he was staying and he bluntly said, "Until my money runs out." That's the way to travel!!!

My timing was perfect as I arrived in Montreal right as the Montreal Jazzfest was kicking off. It's basically a month long festival with venues hosting local and international bands all throughout the city. There were these street performers everywhere, decked out in crazy vibrant costumes acting out different parts- juggler's, dancers, stilt walkers, mimes etc.

I even met a girl on the street, and in the span of 3 minutes, fell in love, got engaged and left her when I realized she was crazy.

Minute one (l'engagement) and a moment of "What the hell am I doing?"

Minute two (l'amour). Ahhhh, the bliss.

Minute three (la divorce). Let's just say we had communication issues.

I even got to meet up with a fellow (former) blogger known as No Fearing Change. She came to meet up with me for lunch (**cough** shop). We ate at this nice downtown restaurant and chatted for a couple hours about everything under the sun. I learned a lot about her and that she's pulled the plug on her blog b/c she's planning on moving forward to a prominent career position and doesn't want anything written in her blog to come back and haunt her - and the way media is these days, who can blame her? I've always thought that the blog "community" was real, despite the fact that we are all communicating via a virtual world. We share our thoughts, lives and experiences through words and pictures on the computer, but I had always wondered if it would translate to real world encounters, if we'd still have a lot to say if we met face to face. I imagine that it's easier for people to share their crazy notions from behind the safety of a computer screen, where it might be more difficult in the presence of a real person. Regardless, I found my encounter with NFC to be fun and interesting, just like I thought it would be. I'll definitely miss her blog, but now I can call her and talk in real time if needbe, and that's the coolest part.

Suicidal Road Trip

The day after I returned from Montreal, we embarked on a crazy ass summer road trip, all of which took place in the course of a week! (roughly)

Here's our itenerary in a nutshell:

Day 1
Drive from Atlanta to Birmingham, Alabama
Pick up neice Kalani and nephew Tre
Pick up Mom
Drive back to Atlanta

Day 2
Drop off Mom, neice, nephew at ATL airport

Day 3
Fly to Durham, NC with Naimah and Michelle

Day 4
Drive with Naimah, Michelle, my sister Munirah and neice Chanelle to Saint Louis, MO
Meet up with Mom and Dad
Pick up Tre and Kalani

Day 5
Drive back to Durham, NC

Day 6
Fly to Birmingham, Al
Meet up with Michelle's family for her other daughter Jacqueline's showcase

Day 7
Drive back to Atlanta

All those long hours of driving from North Carolina to Missouri took us through Virginia, W. Virginia, Kentucky, Indiana and Illinois. All that exposure to rural America eventually took it's toll on all of us.

And just when I thought the summer was done with its surprises....

My sister gave birth to child number 3!!!

Trelani Munart

He came a few days earlier than his August 1st due date, but he's a happy, healthy 7 pounder. So you know what that means...BACK to DURHAM.... Before he was born, no one knew if it was gonna be a girl or boy (my sister's old school like that) and no one knew what the name of the baby was gonna be so I started calling the unborn baby Trelani Munart (Tre, Kalani, Munirah, Art- my brother in law). It was unisex and a perfect name if you ask me. I thought FOR SURE they'd take my suggestion and name the baby Trelani Munart Harrell, but they decided on Talib instead. Congrats you guys!

Now can you see why I'm glad summer's over?!?! I have yet to log the mileage I travelled this summer, but I estimate it to be close to 3000 miles, if not more. Craziness, pure craziness. Next summer, I'm going to stay home, plant some foliage, drink beer and sit on the couch watching re-re-re-runs of Sportcenter all day!.....unless I can find a cheap ticket to France.....

School for us teachers begins in a week, but one of my coworkers told me something that helps make the year go by a little faster- the school year basically coincides with the football season. After the Super Bowl we only have a few months and then it's summer again. All I can say is GO BRONCOS!!!!

Hey Mayor!

2008-06-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

I think I have writer's block, or blog writing apathy or something. I've just not been compelled to write anything lately. And I'm not alone, 'cause on my list of favorite blogs, a good half of you have posts up that are at least a months old- or close to it:

Nic's still talking about old Irish people fuckin' in a Starbucks, Nizzle's still ranting about how shitty mainstrean music is these days, No Fear is still wondering if she's shallow for not being attracted to a guy shorter than her (and for the record- NO), Eyechan is STILL revelling about his trip(s) and New Year's Eve celebration (and for the record- I'm still jealous), Kiyotoe is still pondering the world's issues and his role in solving them (yeah good luck with that), The Counselor is still in love with Obama (and his adorable ears), Neely's still molesting dead adults as she becomes a doctor in order to molest live adults, and Woozie's FINALLY graduated high school!!!! What's it been, 6...7 years? (Congratulations by the way).

Summer's here and I have no excuse for neglecting my online diary, so if I get more than a few of these in before August, I'll have accomplished a lot. So with that....

....I think I offended the Mayor of Atlanta today. No seriously, and if I did, I don't blame her for being offended. When I was younger my grandmother would always encourage us to ask questions of people whenever she took us out. Normally I'd have nothing to ask- either because a) I was too shy and timid to ask or b) I just didn't have shit to ask, and I think that always disappointed my Nana. Some things just don't change....

Michelle is out of the country with her other daughter for the next two weeks travelling Greece and Germany and wherever else she's going (can you tell I'm bitter!). J just graduated high school (congratulations J) and is moving on the help save the planet- and dammit we need more people like that! So while they're over there seeing all the beautiful things across the pond(including my old friend Nick the Greek) I'm spending that time with Naimah. Now don't get me wrong, we are having a great time in between the tantrums and the Daddy, I wants, but let's just say that I have a newfound appreciation of single parents! Today I stuck Naimah in a stroller and walked to the grocery store to get some things. Out the corner of my eye I see this woman walk through the sliding glass doors:

Shirley Franklin, esteemed mayor of Atlanta accompanied by her body guard/personal assistant/bed buddy. She's actually someone I like as mayor, she seems, seems to have the city's best interests at heart. We're walking towards her, she's walking towards us and now, I mentally revert back to the days where my Nana would encourage us to ask important, intelligent questions of people. The first thing that comes into my head as the gap between us closes is that I need to talk to her, ask her about the state of education in Atlanta, complain, argue, debate- SOMETHING, but no good question pops in my head (hell it's summer time- I ain't thinking about them kids!!!!)

So she makes a b-line for the pharmacy to get some aspirin, and as we approach her, she looks up at me with a genuine smile and we make eye contact. The moment has arrived, and I'm about to have an important conversation with the first female mayor of Atlanta, someone who could use my words as inspiration to change the course of the city's education system and here's what comes out of my mouth as we pass:

"MAYYYYYYOR!!! How are you?"

She politely said, "I'm good and you?"

I simply reply, "I'm good"- and strolled off to join the line at the cashier wondering to myself...

Wow, I really had nothing to say.....Hmmmm, should I have said Madam Mayor instead?

I think that would definitely qualify as a Homer Simpson moment....

R.I.P. Debra Jeanne Palfrey

2008-05-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

A while back, I wrote a post about my new hero Deborah J. Palfrey, who if you don't know was called the "D.C. Madam" because she ran a brothel that catered to the wealthy and powerful men (and maybe a few women) of Washington D.C. She had all the immoral mofos that run the nation's capitol sweating their crusty balls off because she threatened to release damaging information regarding which V.I.Ps had "dates" with some of her "employees". She was trying to avoid prison time by threatening to release her "black book" of names and I wryly joked:

"Well, it'll either work in her favor or she'll be found floating face down in the Potomac River.....You don't fuck with folks in the government unless you can live to tell your grandkids about it."

Damn premonitions.....

It seems like it didn't work in her favor because today she was discovered in her mother's Florida shed.....um...yeah..... DEAD. The news and Tampa Police are calling it a "suicide" but haven't released details other than the fact that a note was found. Suicide my ASS! You and I both know what happened to her- how do you spell c-o-n-SPIRACY?

She rolled the dice, betting that the secret information in her posession would save her from a few years in the clink but like I said, "you don't fuck with the government unless you can live to tell your grandkids about it."

Unfortunately, she crapped out.

Guys and Dolls

2008-04-21T04:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning.

Michelle and I went to pick up Naimah from her aunt's house and playing on her NEW, big ass flat screen television was this strange, quirky film called "Lars and the Real Girl". I love those obscure, thought provoking films so this was right up my alley. It's basically about a guy with a severe lack of social skills who has an intimate, emotional relationship with a life-sized "realistic" doll instead of a living, breathing woman. We weren't there long enough to see much of the film, but the scene I caught showed him taking this doll over to his friend's house for a dinner date. You can imagine the awkward scene with his friend staring into the lifeless face of a doll and what crazy notions must have been swirling around in his head. I thought to myself, Whoever came up with the idea for this movie is pretty imaginative! Who could think up something like this? Little did I know, his idea wasn't quite as original as I thought.

Last night.

I'm sitting in front of the dummy box (a.k.a. television), bored off my ass, scanning between the "Rock of Love II" reunion show, NBA playoffs, baseball and CNN. I came across the BBC and they were showing an hour long documentary entitled "Love Me, Love My Doll". Uh Oh..... So me being me, I decide to watch it and what I thought was a director's creative idea in the fictional "Lars and the Real Girl" is actually a REAL phenomenon. The doc features the stories of grown men from all walks of life who have collections of life-sized, anatomically correct (or embelished) female dolls that are stand-ins for real girl friends and wives- at a cost of up to $10,000. Of course, they all had various reasons for their desire for dolls rather than women:

- "They are much more consistant than a human. They are always there, and I need that consistency."

- "The sex is so realistic and intense!" (Come again?)

- "Guys who say they'd never have sex with a doll probably would" (Uh, no we wouldn't)

- "You'd think women would go for guys who like adventure, but all they want is a guy with an pint in one hand and a fag (cigarette) in the other. So now it's just me and my doll"

- "It's just a higher form of masterbation." (Ok, he got me there...)

People, I swear I'm not making this up! Now I can understand (kinda) if someone wants to get off by masterbating in a different way- if that is the real motivation. I mean, sometimes I use my left hand instead of my right (ok, TMI, but bear with me), sometimes I watch a flick, sometimes I don't. That's "normal"....I think. But these men actually have EMOTIONAL attachments to these inanimate human forms, one guy saying "I miss her already!" kissing his doll on the forehead as he's packing her into a crate to be shipped off for repair, (yes, they have a guy that fixes the dolls too!) Another guy had his "girl" sit in his car while he went handgliding so she'd be waiting there when he got back.

I ran upstairs to get Michelle so she could watch too and this started a lengthy conversation about people's REAL motivations for substituting rubber and wigs for the REAL THING. Her psychological conclusion was that they are missing some social components in the brain and are in need of some serious counseling....kinda like pedophiles. Ugh. I suppose she's right in a lot of ways because it's the same motivation that causes a person to think it's perfectly fine to fondle a young human being inappropriately. What could conceivably cause a man to forego "regular" relationships, alienating himself from all women (and probably from friends and family as well) to spend his life with a mannequin? I guess it's kind of like pretending to be someone else online- except it's the other "individual" who becomes the person you want them to be, or....ummmm.... Hell, I don't know. I wish I had the answers (like I normally do!) but I'll let you all speculate on this one for a while cause I'm stuck without a rationale.....

WTF

2008-04-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

It's been a few months since I've been inspired to write on of these, but this week has been a doozy! Aside from the fact that I was accused of having CP (child porn) on my last post, I swear, this world seems to be getting sicker by the day with porn and pedophilia running rampant in the news. Well, I don't mind the porn so much, but these pedophiles need to get ass raped....

Not too long ago, I had a conversation with my boy PJ about politics. We talked about the usual fare- how we felt things were going with the nation, who we'd vote for, etc. He pointedly asked me what my political leanings were these days and I replied, "Surprisingly, I'm a bit of a Libertarian." I got a strange look from him since he's known me since we were 14 and he's known that I've had more of a "liberal" slant when discussing issues- whatever that means these days. Obviously that's changed a bit. What I like most is the fact that Libertarians want to get government completely out of people's private lives and allow citizens to be free to do what they want with themselves. I'm all for that! If you want to smoke sawdust laced with rat shit and dance in your underwear at home, go ahead! If you want to sniff cocaine until your brain drips out your earholes, be my guest! Your body, your choices, I give two shits what you do as long as you do it to yourself. If your uncle want to marry your eleven-year old neighbor.....well, that's where I draw the line....sick mutha fucka!

Dont Mess with Texas, Unless Little Girls Are Involved!

or Home on the Pedophile Range

The story of the Federal raid on the FLDS (Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) compund in Texas has been all over the news this week, and with good reason! If you dont know the deal, here's a rundown:

FLDS is a Mormon-based religious group who adheres to the old Mormon belief that men must have multiple wives to get to heaven. They wear clothing and hairstyles reminiscent of the 1800's and stay isolated from the mainstreams of society. Ok, I have no problem with that. However, because of the raid, reports have surfaced that grown men in the group are actually marrying and impregnating girls as young as eleven! This all started because apparently, some girl (16) wasn't happy that her innocence was taken by some creepy old guy (50) so she called an emergency hotline and said her old ass husband beat and raped her, thus sparking this past week's raid. 400 some odd children were taken from the compound by the Feds. Now all the dirty laundry is getting aired and a bunch of heartstricken mothers are pleading their cases to Larry King hoping their kids will be returned to them. Here's my problem: Pregnant 13 year olds? Middle aged husbands with teenie bopper wives? Younger, teenaged males virtually non-existent in the place? Mothers with deers-in-the-headlights eyes and seemingly have no clue that there is really something truly insane about the whole thing? What The Fuck!!! It sounds like a prototype to Pedophile Heaven if you ask me!

Don't get me wrong, cultural traditions are sacred to many people worldwide and some of these traditions have been around for centuries. I've been many places and seen many unusual customs and rarely, if ever found a reason to be critical. This is not one of those cases. I can understand a culture where a marriage is arranged between two 15 year olds. Makes sense right? But having a system where old men are "required" by God to have teenaged wives that need to be beaten to form a spiritual connection with their spouses is quite sketchy. On top of that, they're brainwashing the younger kids to believe that load of shit and keep them ignorant of the fact that it's not the way things are done in 98% of the world. Whatever twisted mind came up with that sick shit needs to fry. In fact, I hope they ALL fuckin' fry, (the sick ass adults that is). How's that for being a "liberal".

And now......The other 2% of the world.

The same day I inundated my brain with this FLDS story, I came across this tidbit. In Yemen, an 8 YEAR OLD GIRL filed for divorce from her uhhhhh 30 year old "husband", and WON. Apparently, she got tired of his shit and bucked the system to get herself away from that nasty bastard. What's even more amazing is that it's LEGAL in Yemen for p-p-parents to sign their children away for marriage even when the child is under 15. However, the "couple" can't consumate the marriage until the girl hits puberty. Now, I'm a third grade teacher who JUST turned 32. My kids at school are, yeah, 8, 9, 10 years old. There is NO WAY IN BLOODY HELL I would consider dating, courting, flirting with, much less having sex with a CHILD. What the Fuck! I know cultures have their ancient customs and all, but give me a break! When looking at Yemeni version of Sesame Street, do these guys actually rub their dicks thinking to themselves, "I sure would like to have a piece of THAT ass!" Sick man, sick! I've seen some disgusting shit on the internet, including, but not limited to, footage of a horny little village man from Whowhatzitstan fucking a donkey (and I also know I'm not alone! Some of you jokers have seen "2 Girls and a Cup!" Don't lie, I know where you live!) Somehow I think the act of bestiality actually pales in comparison to just the THOUGHT of a grown man fucking a child. Really. Oddly enough, Yemen is one of those countries that chops the hands off of thieves and executes drug smugglers. I think it's about high time they add child rape to the list of crimes rather than the list of tribal traditions.

Potty Training

2008-03-29T14:35:00.000-07:00

OK, ok, ok. I know it's been a minute but I promise you, it's not my fault! I guess they've finally caught up to me because all access to my blog at work has been DENIED for the last month and a half! Well that's partially true- I can read the blog, as well as everyone else's, I just cant sign in to comment or post anything new. I've been wanting to write about all the shit that's been going on in the world, from the redundant news coverage of the Democratic primaries to the latest fashion fad, whatever it is this week. Since we don't have a computer at home, I have to scavenge computer time. Mind you, I have not been neglecting my duties as a blogger and I'm still reading all the great stuff people write, I just can't leave any (semi) witty commentary. Sooooooo, my 45 day hiatus from my blog is OVER (for now) and hopefully we'll catch up to the 21st century and a computer will be present in our home soon.

That being said, this is why daddies should NEVER be left in charge of potty training girls.....

Hello?

2008-02-12T12:30:00.000-08:00

I never answer the phone if a) I don't recognize the number or b) it says "unknown" on the caller ID. Not that I'm afraid of bill collectors or anything, but why waste my time? If they know me and love me they'll leave a message if I don't pick up. If they don't know me or love me, they just want me to buy some shit. Anyway, last Tuesday after school my cell phone rang, and of course the "unknown" flashed across the screen so I didn't bother to answer. I wasn't busy or anything, but if it was probably a bill collector- I already knew what they wanted. Whoever it was left a message and upon listening to the message, I realized that I received a very disturbing call, but it wasn't bad news...it was, well....disturbing. I got a call from Hillary Clinton herself....OK it wasn't her directly, but a recording of her voice asking me to vote for her in the Georgia primaries.

Pet Peeve Disclaimer.

I'm one of those people that checks "signed" letters from companies to see whether the signature in "blue ink" is actually blue ink from a ball point pen or blue ink from a laser printer. I figure if someone actually took the time to sign it by hand, I'm a valued person to that company and I consider signing a letter by hand a genuine act of appreciation. I'm always disappointed though so I end up tossing it in the trash....

Back to the story.

So I listened to Senator Clinton's polite 30 second message asking for my support, and I keep thinking to myself, That's strange, how'd she get my number? Well, soon after the message ended, I got my "disturbing" answer.

"This message was paid for by the American Federation of Teachers, code 5789A-6998soohhblaahhblahh"- my UNION, the bastards! I pay them to hassle downtown into giving us duty free lunches or get me a free lawyer if I get caught jacking some bad ass kid up. I don't pay them to give my PRIVATE number to politicians during elections!

I was flattered that she would take her time to call me out of all the millions of people living in Atlanta, but pissed that it was instead some mindless recording devoid of humanity or a damn pulse. I understand that she's a busy lady, but if I'm THAT important, call me in person, say hello, ask what issues I find important, and THEN ask for my vote. Is that too much to ask?!?! Ok, maybe it is these days. And I probably wouldn't have answered anyway! :)

Weeks before that call, I had gotten a letter stating that the AFT had decided to endorse Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries and that they were asking me to do the same by voting for her. In exchange for the public endorsement (and the phone lists containting the numbers for thousands of educators who are members of AFT like myself) I'm sure the the union bigwigs were made sweeping promises and possible positions in the Clinton government if she gets elected. I remembered thinking, Who asked me? Was there a vote? Don't I get a say? The truth is I probably got a letter asking my opinion, but AFT never signs their letters in person down at Union HQ- so you can guess what probably happened to THAT letter....

The irony is that I had already cast my vote when I checked the message....Oops.

Cattle Politics

2008-01-10T09:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not much of a t.v. watcher so when I do actually get a chance to sit and lose brain cells in front of the "dummy box"- as my grandfather used to call it, I expect at the very least to find something entertaining to watch. It seems these days, my pickins' are getting slimmer and slimmer. Tuesday night I found myself switching channels between updated New Hampshire primary results and bullshit t.v. We have 300 something satellite channels and just about all of them bored me. Eventually I settled on one of Atlanta's two PBS stations and watched a program on ranchers who enter their "best looking" cows into cattle shows. Yeah I said it CATTLE SHOWS. They're basically similar to the pompous dog breeder shows, but with cows- who knew it was that intense? These folks went on and on about what they do to their cows to prepare them for the shows- washing, trimming, feeding, pampering (how the hell do you pamper a cow?) etc. Whatever, to each their own. What got me was the judges and all the arbitrary bullshit they were talking about when describing the best cows in each breed category. Here are some quotes:

- This one has nice rounded shoulders

- The back on this one is nice and straight

- The legs have good muscle mass

-The bone structure in the rear is good in this one

- This one has good demeanor and attitude

Riddle me this Batman- how can you judge a cow's attitude? All the cows looked and acted pretty much the same to me, and if I was standing in the show room, I'm sure they'd all smell the same way too- like shit. Anyway, as I continued to periodically flick back to CNN/FOX"news" to see who was winning in N.H. I got hit with a HUGE epiphany:

This is exactly the same criteria a lot of voters use to pick their candidates.

Who has heard these quotes before?

"Hillary dresses the part."

"Mike Huckabee's minister background makes him a good candidate."

"Barack Obama has got a nice smile and pleasant demeanor."

"John McCain is too old to be president."

"Mitt Romney is a Mormon."

Sounds a little familiar doesn't it...

What happened to the days of picking a "leader" based on their record and capabilities instead of the lip service and tasty sound bytes they feed the media? Honestly, Dennis Kucinich, Mike Gravel, and Ron Paul are the "best" candidates if you ask me, and any of them would get my vote IF they were viable candidates rather than sidelined spectacles at the debates. But because they actually speak truthfully and look like hobbits, they're not "electable" by our country's fucked up election standards.

"I have The Precious...."

We might as well be turning in our voting registration cards and become cattle judges as far as I'm concerned. At least they know in the end that the criteria for making their decisions is basically......

Who in their right mind?

2007-12-10T13:48:00.000-08:00

A few years ago I played in a band called Mandorico and although we toured up and down the East Coast from Florida to NY with a loyal following, we never hit the "big time"- whatever that means these days. It was definitely one of the greatest musical experiences I've ever had and I played with some of the best musicians in town. It was kind of like mixing an electric Mariachi band with a reggae band and hip/hop and lacing it with cocaine- just the way music should be. One of my bandmates was this tattoed freakazoid named Jim "Chimo" Harmon who had the propensity to always voluntarily get nekkid in the van. Don't ask, but that's him in the middle with the light blue shirt. My pretty face is- well, let's just say I stand out....After every show, we'd play the role of friendly band guys and hang around, talk to the crowd, flirt a little and then head out. Upon entering the side door of the van, Chimo would always say- as if on cue, "I hate people." and then proceed to tell us about a conversation he had with some jack ass who bugged him about this, that and everything else. Basically, Chims had no tolerance for most people and would occasionally walk off from a conversation mid sentence if he felt the need. It wasn't until recently that I understood WHY he hated people.

It's because people are stupid.

Not you good folks of course, but in general, I think that the world would be a better place without 80% of the populace that's breathing all our good air and polluting the rest with their ignorance. I think what's bugging me is that people get bent out of shape over the wrong things. Like these people.....

AND these people....

Now you may notice that they are ALL demonstrating at the same event- the sentencing of Michael "Mutt" Vick in Virginia, but they are clearly on different sides. Now I live in Atlanta so this whole story has been BIG news lately- especially since the Falcons SUCK this year without their imprisoned leader, but I'm a bit baffled.....

Who in their right mind would take the day off to go to the court house to "support" a rightly convicted felon who had to write his "apology" on a napkin? I tend to believe that they have the idea that somehow Vick will feel better knowing his supporters are still behind him despite the crimes he's convicted of. Instead, I think it makes him feel more like a victim and enable him to skirt personal responsibility for his crime. It's kinda like T.I.'s momma saying "God is good and the Devil's a liar" upon T.I.'s release from jail. Who's she blaming- her son or the Devil?

But these fanatical PETA folks don't get a pass from me either! Who in their right mind takes a day off to "protest" a rightly convicted felon who had to write is "apology" on a napkin? Clearly he's going off the prison so the message has been sent, but what I despise is the fact that there are thousands of abused HUMANS who don't have their faces on placards and protesters at the trials of their victimizers. Don't get me wrong, I love and respect the lives of animals (I actually set big coca-roaches free outside instead of killing them) but I respect the lives of humans ten times more.

It seems to me that folks have their priorities mixed up- just a bit......

Passe'

2007-11-29T12:50:00.000-08:00

OHHH, I'm still stuffed from T-Day and unusually tired from doing TWO last minute class projects yesterday for the Academic Fair. Procrastination was a specialty of mine for a time and apparently, I'm teaching it to my kids! Hey at least I'm teaching them SOMETHING. Anyway, today as I was wastin time on the net, I was struck by some random criticism of the winner of the latest American Idol. Normally I'm all about doggin' that sorry, pointless, shitty replacement for Star Search in ANY way possible, but this time for whatever reason I had to take exception. It seems this guy

who works as the "Yahoo Music shit talker" found it necessary to declare that the new album by that cutie Jordin Sparks was a "flop" because it only sold 119,000 copies in it's first week of sales. Bullshit! First, any struggling musician will tell you that they'd stab themselves in the eye if they could sell 100,000 copies of their album in a week. I put out an album in 2000 and I didn't sell one copy! I had to give my shit away- although people did like it. Second, he didn't take into account that cd sales all around are down because people would rather buy one song from a shitty album than buy the whole shitty album in it's entirety.

He goes on to compare it to the album sales put up by other "Idol winners" and claim it to be an unequivocal failure. The first thing I thought was Of course it bombed, it probably sucks! but instead of being the prejudicial asshole I claim not to be, I went to amazon.com and listened to clips from the album for myself and..................well, it's not some shit I'D EVER listen to voluntarily. Besides, compared to all the mediocre horseshit they're putting on the airwaves these days, it's not that bad. (Pteeeeewey!!! I can't believe I said that!) I remember during the final rounds of competition when all these folks were saying that she was "too big" to be an American Idol and I can't help but think that he's one of the idiotic fools who believed that stoopid idea.

This got me thinking: Who gave these media assholes the authority to decide for the public what's a success or a failure. Or what the newest "hot" item is? It's kinda like those people who say that the color mauve with red polka dots are "so in" this season. Or better yet, the single women who write articles in Cosmo about how other women should "please their men". Everyone's got an opinion, but when someone else's opinion become gospel? When did people forget to think for themselves and let some schmoe (or schmoess) from N.Y. tell them what to wear to work and what music to buy? Since we're so gullible, I thought I'd become my own damn social critic and since you're reading this, you must follow directions and do as I say. I hope you're ready to change your life!

1. Tofu is the new pork. It looks like pork fat, tastes like pork fat (i.e. has no taste) and like pork fat, is a pointless culinary wonder- unless you're in Asia.

pork fat

tofu

2. Everyone needs to learn another language and visit another country. Piglandia doesn't exist so Pig Latin doesn't count Kiyotoe. Get back to those Japanese lessons!

3. Fellas, pink is the new neon piss yellow. If you wear it- in ANY form, you deserve to spend the night in some Siberian prison with a cellmate named Lugar the Luscious.

4. Radio is now off limits to EVERYONE, unless you're tuning in to local college stations or NPR.

5. Gutbuster's is the newest fine dining experience. If you don't have a Gutbuster's in your area, dress up in your best jeans and t-shit and go to the best Philly Cheesesteak place around.

6. If you're planning on getting plastic surgery to "enhance" your features, shoot yourself.

7. 13 is your newest lucky number.

8. Coffe is giving way to hot chocolate! Drop your double latte from Starbucks and pick up a packet of Swiss Miss (with marshmellows).

9. Twin Falls Idaho is the best movie of 1999.

10. Ladies, bras are so passe. They're uncomfortable and were invented by some guy who liked to privately dress in drag. Liberate yourselves!

What's that?!?! The weather? I don't care how cold it is outside in November! Take 'em off!

People in positions of power

2007-11-09T12:06:00.000-08:00

You gotta love the news these days! There is nothing but stories on the war in Iraq, the '08 elections, idiot celebs and idiot civilians. THAT'S IT. I've all but given up on reading the news anymore because it honestly sickens my heart to think that the most important news stories of the day have little to do with important topics. Who gives a fuck about Tom Cruise's fear regarding his new movie, or whether the superfan he calls his "wife" ran a damn marathon? There is a place for bullshit news stories like this- it's called "the TRASH". Now that I've got my rant out of the way, I'd like to share my idiot stories of the week.

Welcome Home Benazir Bhutto

If you have no idea who this woman is here's a short resume:

1988 Elected the first female Prime Minister of Pakistan

1990 Removed from office on corruption charges

1993 Re elected (Pakistanis are gluttons for punishment I guess)

1996 RE-removed from office on corruption charges

1998 Went to Dubai for self imposed "exile"

2007 Returned to Pakistan and was welcomed by thousands of supporters and two suicide bombers (they missed her and killed 120 some-odd people)

I have a feeling that she stopped reading the papers long ago, but Pakistan is not the place she left in '98. These days, stories are emerging that men are throwing acid in the faces of women who walk around uncovered. I understand having national pride and everything, but who in their right mind would leave this in Dubai....

and come back to this in Pakistan....

and still think it's a good idea? If you said "an idiot" you've won yourself a point.

I used to like the Vikings....

Apparently, funerals aren't a reason to miss work, for football players that is. Minnesota Viking Troy Williams got fined 25 grand because he had to miss three practices and a game, not because he was hanging out with hookers, not because he was fondling little boys. He left his team for a few days to organize the details and attend his grandmother's funeral, a person he credits with teaching him almost EVERYTHING he knows. In addition to making the arrangements, he paid for plane tickets so that other family members could attend.

"I'd throw this football thing away for my family," he said.

What a threat he is to society! The irony is that the NFL has all these stoopid (yes stOOpid) ass folks who shoot guns in public places, take drugs, kill dogs and act irresponsible. Most times, the team reps are in front of cameras defending these jack asses and trying to make nice with the media. I want some suit on ESPN defending this guy TODAY.

Sub Stuff

I LOVE being an educator and the people who keep my sanity intact aren't my co-workers (they're just as loony as me) nor are they the afternoon bus drivers (though they are a close second). My favorite people of all are substitute teachers. They take my little bastards off my hands for a day so I can rest my mind and sleep in (or masterbate- whichever comes first). Every now and then, you get a sub who does fuck all and lets the kids tear up the room, but for the most part, subs are good professional people who babysit for a hundred dollars a day. Some sub in Houston though is taking her job too seriously. Apparently she's telling the kids in her science class all kinds of lies and semi-truths that have pissed off the class parents. For instance, according to her students, she's said:

-She doesn't want to be referred as "Miss" because it's short for "misstress"- which infers the thought of a prostitute (semi-truth) Instead her students have to call her Sister Jessica.

-There is rat poison in toothpaste (lie)

-Sugar is cocaine (a lie in reality but pretty damn close as a metaphor. You can't tell me that kids after Halloween don't act like folks on cocaine!!!)

-The woman's menstural cycle is "bad" (I'm not touching this one. Ladies?)

-She calls McDonald's and Burger King "CrackDonalds" and "MurderKing" because fast food is unhealthy because can kill you (well......I'll give her that one)

OK, so she's not WAY off the mark with her facts but her delivery sucks. Depending on how you look at it, she might be a little off the rocker and shouldn't be in front of the class spewing he beliefs, that much is true. However, SHE'S not the idiot here, it's the Houston School District. They decided to keep her on rather than fire her, probably because she's a "substitute" only in title. The reality is that she's probably in the classroom because they can't find an actual certified educator to teach that class. Such is the state of public education in the hood. I'm sure if the school was in a more well-to-do area, she'd be out on the street before she could finish the word "men-stru-al". I actually heard about a sub who got fired because porn popped up on the classroom computer. She apparently tried to exit out, but more windows with porn opened with each keystroke. Don't sit there looking all sanctimonious- it's happened to you too!

WTF

2007-11-01T12:28:00.001-07:00

Irony is a muthafucka! Now I know I talked big shit about the Rockies getting to the World Series- and they end up getting their asses kicked royally by a better team. Yes, I can admit that- albeit begrudgingly. Boston came out swinging, forcing the Rocks had to play catch up the whole way and ended up getting swept...(thanks for the "gentle reminder" Woozie. Punkass.....) Maybe it was the fact that I relegate Middle East peace to secondary status for my hometown team playing a game. Did I go too far? Anyway, aside from the Rocks getting their asses handed to them, this week has been crazy. First up, Kiyotoe and myself lost our first baby to fire.

No one died, mind you, but the first house we bought way back in 2000 had a bit of an accident last weekend. All the memories and hard work we put into it are up in smoke, and the cause is under investigation (that's just how the news sounds isn't it!) but I always like to look at the bright side of things. For the third time this year, we got someone HIGH as shit! Aren't you proud of us! Not content with pawning my trumpets, and stealing my shoes (well, ok, that's not true- I later found the right footed shoes in a bag, so sorry for blaming you for that dear crackhead) the same muthafuckin, no good, toothless, crackhead asshole who broke into the house over the summer came back after the fire and stole the dining room table, fridge AND the KITCHEN SINK! I know, I know, How do you know it's the same cat? I don't, but as far as I'm concerned, it probably was. So kudos to us for contributing to someone's happiness for a day or two. You know a "crack high" is short lived, or so I'm told.... not like I know from first hand experience or anything....

Holy SHIT!

2007-10-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

As I went through my high school days in Denver, Colorado one of the most popular phrases was, "Peace in the Middle East." It was catchy, and signified that although we went to private school, we still had a globalized consciousness. Considering how LONG there have been tensions in that region in the world, we all felt that if peaceful coexistence could happen there, it could happen ANYWHERE. I think it's safe to say that all of our teachers promoted the idea that there was so much more in the world to think about than trivial matters- and it became an important part of our personal beings. I still believe that a peaceful solution there is important and NEEDS to happen soon.

But, let me say this. If the PM of Israel and all the various Palestinian factions sat down at a table in Egypt, hammered out a peace deal that would last an eternity, and Jews and Muslims could FINALLY live side by side without dodging Uzi bullets and suicide bombers, I would look them all square in the eye and say, "(yawn) So what! I've got more important news...."

THE ROCKIES ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!

Bend it Like Bush

2007-10-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

You know, I try HARD to keep this blog apolitical. It just doesn't seem worth the effort to bitch and moan about politics and/or politicians simply because I'd bitch and moan ALL THE TIME- and who likes to do that? Definitely, not me. Democrat/Republican, they're all the same corrupt asshole shitting on us- one just wears blue, and the other solicits sex from men in airport bathrooms. Today though I have to get my anti-G.W.Bush rant on. It's about that time. I just read an article that the Bu(ll)sh(it) Administration is making efforts to dissuade congress from passing a bill that recognizes Turkey's role in a WWI-era genocide of Armenians. Apparently the Turks don't want to admit that they massacred up to 1.5 million people 80 something years ago and are telling Bush and his cronies that there will be hell to pay if Congress decides to move the legislation forward. As you can imagine, this puts the US in a sticky situation since a lot of fuel and cargo bound for Iraq are shipped through Turkey.

So this got me thinking- how many times over the last 6.5 years have we been at this point? Again, we have a president boldly and overtly bending the truth to suit specific aims, regardless of the message it sends, or the obvious hypocrisy. What's funny to me is that there's irony all over the place here. Of the various "rationales" used to invade Iraq in the first place (WMD's, 9/11, Iraqi freedom, Rumsfeld's obscene flatulence, Condi's horrendous hemmoroids)- the one people at Fox"news" and conservative talk radio like to harp on most, is the fact that Saddam's regime killed a bunch of Kurds in the 80's. "The brutal dictator needs to go" they said. No one mentions the fact that many of those weapons dropped on Kurdish heads were stamped "Made in the USA". But here's the kicker. According to this ridiculous line of thought, Saddam killing thousands of Kurds in Iraq is genocide and worthy of rebuke, but Turks killing 1.5 million Armenians during WWI isn't. Does genocide have a statute of limitations or something? I must have been sleeping during that lesson in World History...

Is it me or is this Turk dressing up as Adolph Hitler for Halloween? Well, I guess that resolves the Armenian genocide debate for me!

Well, I just found out that the Congrssional Foreign Affairs Committee just passed the resolution and Turkey is calling home their ambassador in protest. Oh well. I'm sure he'll be back and still in denial about his country's brutal history. It must be nice to have the role of picking and choosing how history should be written- you always come out squeaky clean and the folks you shit on come out to be the villians. How much does it cost to join that country club? I've got some of my OWN history to rewrite.

WTF

2007-09-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, What the FUCK? I wasn't expecting the world to produce two WTFs in one week, but who said it couldn't happen?

Police Brutality

Now I know you all think I'm about to talk about that idiot at the Univerity of Florida who got jacked up by campus cops for talking too much. Nope.

My question is, who wants to hear John "Ketchup" Kerry talk about anything anyway? He didn't have really important shit to say during the election three years ago and he's got even LESS to talk about now. Andrew Meyer deserved an ass kicking just for being there! Shouldn't he be at the local bar instead, watching rugby or something? No, this story is about a grandmother who got fucked up and bloodied for having BROWN GRASS. Apparently, the petentious neighbors of Betty Perry hated her dead grass so much that they called the police on her. Cops showed up to address the issue with her, but ended up beating her ass for not revealing her name, resisting arrest and "failure to maintain her landscaping"- all three of which are misdemeaners. What the fuck! When did having a dead lawn become a damn crime? If that were the case, me, Kiyotoe and a whole bunch of you should be sitting in lock up right now. The ironic thing is that G-ma Betty's water had been shut off for nine months so she couldn't even water her grass if she wanted to! Hell, the country HAS been in a drought for the last few months, maybe she was conserving. Maybe she couldn't afford her water bill. Maybe her neighbors need to get their hoses out and water her grass for her- stuck up bastards.

Unarmed Death

Speaking of cops..... it's a none-too-rare occurence where you hear about them killing an unarmed man somewhere. I don't know why it is that they always manage to shoot some guy who can't shoot back, but they never shoot the dickheads who like to fire bullets into the air on the 4th of July, or the ones who shot a gun last night right down the street from my house! This time however, the unarmed man gets his revenge. Yesterday, a semi-famous artist by the name of William "Rusty" Redfern head-butted his girlfriend's ex during a dispute in Snellville, Ga (yes that's close to Atlanta). One can only assume that the ex was jealous and confronted ole Rusty who defended himself the best way he could when he felt threatened. The rival, Charles Teer later complained of a headache and dizzyness, passed out and eventually died. I suppose if you're unarmed, you use what you can and Rusty literally "used his head" to escape the situation. Well, he had to- he was born without arms! (get it? He was "unarmed"!!! OK tacky, I know. Read on!) What the fuck! The fact that Rusty was born without arms and he's become an artist is impressive enough, BUT he was smooth enough to steal another guy's woman AND kill him in a street fight. That shit puts Flavor of Love AND UFC to shame! I suppose my ego would be a little crushed too, but some things you just gotta let go. I'm sure though that Charles thought he'd be able to kick Rusty's ass just because the guy had no arms- boy was he wrong!

Sissy Shameful Shawn Hannity

Speaking of shame.....It's a rare day that I sit and watch Fox"news". Usually I turn to it as a passing curiosity to see what madness they are spewing just so I can chuckle at the occasional ridiculousness. For instance, last week during their Bulls and Bears report with a panel of four stock market wizards, they cut the screen in half and had the panel talking on one side and old footage of Osama bin Laden on the other. I wondered why it was neccesary to do that considering that "Osama's" new video and Wall Street are ummm NOT related, but I'm absolutely sure there's no subliminal message going on to make it's viewers even MORE paranoid *wink, wink*. Anyway, last night I found myself watching Hannity and Colmes and they had Rev. Al "the Perm" Sharpton on. Well, as the interview was wrapping up, Sharpton asked Shawn Hannity (who looks like he should be on the cover of "Closeted Beef Magazine" whether he supported releasing the Jena 6- the Black kids in Louisianna who were charged with attempted murder for a schoolyard fight with a White student. All of a sudden, Hannity can't hear the question and pretends to have technical difficulties. He then says, as he points that condescending finger at the camera, "I believe that they deserve justice! They should be locked away forever. They kept that poor woman locked up in their house and tortured her and they deserve whatever comes to them." Uh yeah, what the fuck- wrong news story asshole! Amid the strange looks from Sharpton and Colmes, he still professed that he couldn't hear- rather than admitting that he didn't know what Sharpton was talking about. You can't be a damn bulldog on screen and then use technical excuses to cover up your idiocy. That's why Shawn Hannity gets my Bitch of the Day award.

Are you God? Sir, you've been served.

Nebraska is famously known for a few things, corn, corn, corn, corn, football and it apparently has some stank ass water, or so I'm told. The doledrums of the fields and polluted H2O might help explain why Ernie Chambers, a state congressman (that's him, on the job, in congressional session, in the pink t-shirt rather than a suit and tie) decided to sue GOD of all people in order to make him "cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats." What the Fuck??? His point is that anyone can sue anyone for anything, so why not sue God? Seems logical to me...except the fact that someone has to deliver the court summons to him in person....sooooo.....who's volunteering to do the job? Wouldn't that person have to ummmm, DIE in order to take the message to the next world? I guess he could ask some Talibani suicide bomber do pass the note for him in the event they really DO have 79 virgins waiting for them upon detonation, right? Then again, he could technically sue anyone just claiming to be the Almighty- and considering the whacked out mindstate they'd be in anyway, he might actually get a judgement in his favor! Some religions have multiple gods sooooo how many summons need to be written up? You can't discriminate in a situation like this so, Vishnu, Allah, Jehovah, Zeus, Mother Earth and Eric Clapton- all of you need to be present at your court appointed time or else some serious shit is going down in the Heavens. The Nebraska governor is sending the National Guard and he means business!!! I mean really, what do you tell God that he doesn't know already? If he's as omnipotent as everyone says he is, he's already got his defense and cross examination ready for that ASS! In fact, he can badger the witnesses all he wants- who's gonna stop him? I'm not the one to acknowledge or deny the existance of God for anyone, but if he DOES exist, I'd hate to be that court appointed official to use a tazer just because God has been found in contempt of court for acting a complete fool in front of the judge. What bailiff is gonna slap handcuffs on God without getting a royal ass kickin' up in the process? (Damn, anyone know the number to MadTV? That would be one funny ass sketch!)

WTF

2007-09-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

Alright kiddies, it's all about crime this week!

The Sausage Prison Riots

You know, as I teacher I see ungrateful children all the time. "Mr. Rahmaan, can I have this? Mr. Rahmaan can I have that?" My usual answer is "NO!! Get your hands away from my lunch you germ having stinkpot!" They look at me with disdain and mope back to their seats and wish that my hair would fall out. I can appreciate their selfishness, because they're kids afterall, they're supposed to look out for themselves! But prison inmates on the other hand have no excuse! Last night, a riot broke out in a New Mexico prison because inmates were told they'd only be able to get one dinner sausage instead of two. What the fuck! Besides the fact that a phallic sausage has no place in prison, (for obvious reasons) prisoners have no reason to bitch about ANYTHING. They committed a crime, got sent to lock up, receive three square meals a day, A/C in the summer, heat in the winter, hot showers, soft comfy shoes and cotton clothes to dress in- all FOR FREE! What balls these guys have! That's like slapping your mother in the face, and then asking her "What's for dinner?" and then getting mad when she says, "Eat shit and die!" Fuck them, their soap droppin' "girlfriends" and their pork sausages. (I mean that figuratively of course.)

OJ, OJ, OJ

You would think that after getting aquitted for killing his ex-wife, then sued for everything he has (including a Heisman trophy), and then having all rights to his book about how he "would" have killed her given to his victims' families, he'd want stay out the limelight until, oh I don't know DEATH maybe. But NO, not OJ Simpson. Now he's a suspect in a Vegas robbery where he and four guys allegedly robbed a guy at gunpoint. His rationale: The guy stole some of his memorabilia and he was taking it back to give it to his kids. What the fuck. Apparently, he got a tip from someone that this guy had stolen his belongings and were about to sell it hoping to make tens of thousands of dollars. So OJ takes it upon himself to set up a "sting operation" and bust in on the guy. Well the sting worked, and OJ might be the one going to jail. Usually if you find out someone stole you shit, you call the cops and let them take care of it. Maybe OJ was afraid that if he called 911, the cops might instead laugh in his face. You know, maybe they would have....

Little Girl Lost

As the whole world watched (except me of course), Brittney Spears made a "comeback" on VH-1 -or was it MTV? Who gives a shit. Anyway, her dance routine sucked, her lip synch was off and the world is shocked. What the fuck. Why is this news? What was everyone expecting? The girl's been on drugs, in rehab, had a nervous breakdown, cut her hair off, fucked two massive clydesdales and now they expect a breakthrough performance. Get the fuck outta here. Now you may ask, "I thought this was about crime?" Well, what's criminal is how the brainiac execs used Brittney to draw people to their lame ass, whack ass, talentless awards show. Sad, sad, sad.

Where's Waldo bin Laden

2007-09-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

Alright, I have to make a confession.

I'm done with this "Hunt for bin Laden" bullshit.

Now some mouths may be agape due to my statement, but I have a very good rationale. Today, the newest video of Osama bin Laden surfaced and he apparently makes references to recent events in Iraq that would lend validity to it being authentic. But here's my issue:

The picture on the left was taken from a video that came out in 2004. The picture on the right was from the video released today. First off, where the FUCK do you buy Just for Men hair dye if you're hiding in the mountains of Pakistan? Secondly, he's wearing the same EXACT clothes from three years ago, sitting in front of the same shit brown background. Coincidence or conspiracy, you be the judge. Personally, I don't think it's the same person, just an ugly ass lookalike, but that's just me. Thirdly, it's the run up to another election year so could it be that some jackass suit in D.C. is trying to scare us into voting in another Republican based on the "war on terror"? WOOZIE are you using photoshop again? These darn kids, you gotta love 'em.

Estif

2007-08-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

You know, I've never been one that took time too seriously and I'm notorious for being late- but Steve, the guest blogger of the day is REALLY late. I gave him an assignment almost a month ago and he's JUST getting it done, but it's all good- better late than never. I'm almost uncomfortable posting this because a) it's revealing my real name, b) it's talking about my whacky days of middle AND high school and c) this cat knows way too much about my past! If I EVER wanted to run for senate I'd have to pay him off handsomly. But in all fairness, he's one of my bestestess friends from way back, so he's got the poetic licence to say what he wants about me. So without further ado, I give you (unedited) ten things about the "Peruvian Pimp Dad" Steven Morrow.

OK so that's not really his picture and he doesn't work at Lexus so ladies don't get all excited, even though his is a good looking guy. And besides, I wouldn't want his wife to come looking for me because some woman saw his picture on my blog and found him claiming to be "hisbabymama". Alright for real this time.

So I was among the non-bloggers that Yahya tagged a while bac, like months ago. So to hold up my end of the bargain, I will now belatedly post 10 random things about me, not an altogether easy thing for an audience of strangers. I’ll try to keep it interesting by sprinkling some old-school Rahmaan stories. So now, on to memory lane….

1) Birthday Blog – Yahya originally tagged me on my birthday (technically the day before my birthday but he was too lazy to get the email out until the next day). June 26 1976. I’m a Cancer. The tag was kind of a nice birthday present, to think my words might be interesting enough, stupid enough, or entertaining enough to post for all to read. I’ll choose to focus on these positives, even though it was a bit insulting that on his blog post Yahya called out someone else’s birthday and completely forgot mine,. My birthday brings me to my birthplace:

2) Hospital Jesus Maria, Lima, Peru– That’s right I am Peruvian, or at least half Peruvian as my dad was an American foreign correspondent. All in my family are alright in the aftermath of the earthquake, thank you for asking. I love visiting family back home, but it doesn't quite feel like home. Born in Lima, raised in Lakewood (Denver suburb), lived for a period in Barcelona; Amherst, MA; New York City’ and now Pittsburgh, all exciting and interesting places in their own right (except for the suburbs). Yet until I got to Pittsburgh they never quite felt like home. Its ironic I feel that way here in the ‘burgh, a place with a reputation for being hostile to outsiders not to mention racist. But here I finally cut the teenage angst-ridden schizophrenic tug-o-war between my Peruvian and American identities: Who am I? What am I? Where do I belong? Blah, blah, blah. Even wrote a poem about it in High School. Maybe it’s just because I finally chilled when I reached my 20’s. How can I mention high school angst without recalling that:

3) I once challenged Yahya to a fight in High School– Yahya and Norm (from Yahya’s infamous bus rout) were giving me too much crap about some melodramatic little thing that was sooooo important to 16 year olds. I actually don’t even remember what I was being teased about. It took days of planning and false starts to rack up the nerve. Finally, in front of the entrance to Mrs. Pennington’s Spanish class I got up in Yahya’s face and challenged him. Three other bystanders saw the ridiculous scene for what it was and broke out laughing. I gave the time (lunchtime) and the place (who the hell remembers). Yahya being one of my more cool and collected friends elected not to show up. When somebody reminded him during lunch time pick-up basketball, he responded “Ehhh, It ain’t worth it,” displaying maturity beyond his years, and far beyond mine. In the end though, I did get the best of both worlds: not getting my ass beat (which I most certainly would have), and putting a stop to the teasing. The best part though: letting it all blow over and reconciling with good friend. Did I say basketball?

4) I Love Basketball– I was a regular on the lunch time pick-up basketball circuit. The Denver Nuggets are my favorite team. The best job I’ve ever had was volunteer coaching varsity basketball to eighth grade boys at Nativity Mission School in the lower east side. On my high school team, I was the hustle player and defensive stopper. Senior year, we were one win away from the State Championship tournament but got blown out by the eventual champion (If only I played better defense). In other senior year sports news...

5) Yahya and I were doubles partners on the tennis team– The only minority and half-minority on our whole lily white squad were teamed up as the number 2 doubles pair. We took to wearing long shorts down to the calf and yelling out foreign curse words after bad shots. I designed the team t-shirts that year with a graphic on the back of a bad ass looking mustang (our mascot) about to kill a serve. Yahya complained about how the hired cartoonist chose to dress the horse (a leotard) and how the animal lacked …. er, well, manliness. Apparently Yahya forgot about the t-shirts the year before: solid red with one solid white silhouette of a dude whacking the nastiest (and we don't mean that in a good way) backhand you’ve ever seen. Those t-shits were designed by a blog reader who will remain nameless. Lets travel a little farther back in the day shall we…

6) In Middle School Yahya and I were part of a three person club called YAM– That’s right Yahya, Aaron and Morrow. Using my first name would have made the club name YAS, which sounded too Middle Eastern or something. The club was in part to lampoon to some chick click named JAM: Jenny Ali and Mary. They had JAM sweatshirts made with argyle letters (yes, it was that kind of a school). Beyond satire, the other purpose was to try to get girls and to pretend we knew more about them than we really did. Yah was pretty damn good at that. We never mentioned sweet potatoes in the charter. Speaking of pretending:

7) I am pretending to be Bob Villa while mired in my own housing renovation project– Somehow this son of a famously unhandy journalist (he once went to the library to learn how to hammer nails), is now tasked with putting down decorative baseboards, installing new closets and re-painting the upstairs. Our house is on the neighborhood house tour this year, which explains the latest motivation in our manic depressive home renovation cycle. (2 ridiculous months on, 18 months off) I wish I had Yahya to install bathroom tile. But hopefully strangers in the night will find my house more uninviting than they found his.

8) Strangers seem to find me approachable– One summer after graduation, Yahya took my friend Patrick and I to the hood for some ethic eats at Kapre Chicken, an institution in Denver’s Five Points area before the grip of gentrification drove many neighborhood joints away. These two suburban white kids found the chicken to be forgettable, but I won’t forget the local culture. As I got into my street parked car, this man I had never met leaned onto the passenger side window, and with a slur to his speech asked what time it was. Before I could muster a response, he had opened the door, put his girlfriend in the back seat, and sat himself down in the passenger side. In the 3 months of having a faulty lock on my ’83 Nissan Datsun Sentra, it was the only time I wished I’d fixed it. The sudden smell of Malt Liquor and beer explained the slurred speech, and also the urgency this couple had in getting into a stranger’s car: the liquor store was about to close and they had to get there quick. As I was not in the position deter two hulking, determined, and inebriated strangers from getting their drink on, Yahya ended up driving these cats in my car to get their fix, as I waited in front of Kapre Chicken. I was finally hearing Yahya when he said that living the suburbs must be so boring.

9) I’m deaf– Unfortunately I couldn’t always hear that well. I learned in college why I always had trouble hearing song lyrics, or was constantly was asking people at parties to repeat themselves. I now wear hearing aids, which I felt a little funny about at first, thinking I looked like a 70 year old man. But I found it much worse to act like a sixty year old man, repeating “say that again” and pretending to know what people were saying. My mother in-law was then inspired to get her own hearing aids, which suddenly made her a lot more tolerable, even enjoyable in conversation. Actually I married into a great, loving family and do fell very lucky about this whole marriage business.

10) I did not have the wedding from hell– It was my wedding that Yahya had blogged about a year ago when he wrote about how weddings can bring out the worst in people. I think the wedding was portrayed unfairly and I’m using this space to clear my good name. To recap, the groomsmen and I were wiping down bottles of wine and beer that were chilling in ice buckets and placing them in cardboard cases for transport to the wedding. Yahya had suggested we keep the liquor in the buckets and transport and put them in the car directly. In my defense I did not yet own hearing aids, so I did not hear Yahya’s suggestion, nor did I here Patrick’s pointed response telling him to just shut up and do what he was told (thanks Patrick). But there actually were two reasons why Yahya’s suggestion was not carried out in the first place. 1) The ice buckets were two big to fit in the car. 2) We needed to keep the wine labels from getting soaked in ice water for another 3 hours so they wouldn’t slip off. Otherwise the bartenders wouldn’t know which wine was which.

We got ourselves this state of urgency because we spent too much time watching Angola kick the Czech Republic’s ass in the World Cup. We probably should have multi-tasked during the game, but I’m known for being a bad planner, NOT for losing my temper. While we were definitely in a hurry during this absurd wine transfer exercise, I was by no means barking out orders, being irritable, or outwardly angry. That came later when the incompetent wedding band caused me to miss my own best man’s toast, but that’s a different story. (Fortunately we did catch the toast on video). All in all I had a great time, and it appeared that Yahya did too as we have several action shots of him sporting his recognizable grin. Also, Yahya made one of the nicer connections from the wedding as my best black friend from white high school, (Yahya), met and befriend my best black friend from white college (Mike Nickens). The two of them still hang out in Atlanta. Bottom line, Yahya twisted the truth about the wedding to drive home his point on the Blog. No Yahya, there were no weapons of mass destruction.

I now am no longer tagged.

P

2007-08-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

Man Kiyotoe,what the hell? This is a meme where I find 7 words that describe me, all beginning with the letter "P". Shit. I'm never one to shy away from a challenge so away we go.

First and foremost-

"Papa"

This little girl of mine has completely changed the way I view gun control. Anybody out there know where I can get a REALLY loud pistol? You know, one that will make all the little neighborhood thuggy ruggies shit themselves with fear. I promise, it's not for me to use on the crackhead who's has gotten way too much press in this blog lately. It's not even to protect myself, damn that- it's to protect her.

"Particular"

I know what I like and I really like what I like. Don't get this confused with "closed minded" or picky, caused I'm the farthest from that. I will try anything once- well almost anything- and if I like it, I'll try it at least 8 more times before it bores me. I'll put it like this, I like good music that doesn't feature a whiny, soul-less singer. I like women with natural breasts, so much so that and I can't stand even watching a porn if the chick has fake tits. I don't drink weak, piss colored/piss tasting beer. Tonight, I ate at IHOP and I could tell that they refilled the Heinz ketchup bottle with some shitty cheaper brand of red tomato condiment. I think you get the picture.

"Peaceful"

Aside from the gun comment upstairs, I'm a really nice guy- too nice sometimes. Every now and then, I'll ruffle some feathers by stepping out of character, but I only do it when it's necessary.

"Philanthropic"

I'd give the shirt off my back if someone needed it. But I think I'd go to extremes with it if I had the financial capability. I have a fantasy that if I ever win the lottery jackpot, I'd buy a nice building in the richest part of the city and only rent out cheap rooms to hard working poor people so their kids would have a better chance to end the cycle of poverty in their family.

"Pro-Indie"

Indiemusic, indieflix, indiefood, indieshops, indiethought, indieGod, indielife. I always try to support the "littleman" whenever possible.

"Pissed"

'Cause it's 12:34 am, I'm washing clothes and I can't think of anything else to include on this list. Oh, I got it....

"Pussycats" I just love the furry little things. They're so warm and cuddly, I just want to take one home and curl up in bed with it.

What'd you THINK I was talking about? Sick asses!

Mi musica

2007-08-15T12:47:00.000-07:00

Damn! Is school back in already?!?!?! I feel like I've woken up from a bad dream. Considering my rough summer, I don't even feel like I left these knuckleheads. These 3rd graders are gonna be a trip!

Anyway, now that I got that out the way, I owe Nicole a post for tagging me a while back. And since its about music, it's probably gonna be the hardest tag I'll ever have- not because it's a difficult subject, but because music is so near and dear to my heart that it'll be damn near impossible to trim it down! I'll play by the rules and keep it short and sweet, I promise! Here's the deal:

I must make a list of ten songs that influence me- yes, ONLY TEN! Chances are most of you won't know a lot of the songs I'm talking about anyway considering my varied/strange taste in music, but who knows, maybe you'll pick up a cd or two. Here we go.....

#10 "No Surprises"- Radiohead. OK Computer is one of the best records ever made, and for some reason, this tune stands out above the rest. I think the intro reminds me of an ice cream truck rolling down the street and gives me a nostalgic feeling of childhood.

#9 "Stinkfist"- Tool. Whenever I'm in a foul mood, I can put the Aenima album on and the first angsty song of rage automatically lifts my spirits. Daniel, you know what I'm talking about!

#8 "Think"- Curtis Mayfield. This is one of the most beautiful guitar instumentals I've ever heard! It goes to show that all these fast playing guitar viruosos lack the most important musical element of all- SOUL.

#7 "El Cuarto de Tula"- Buena Vista Social Club. Mi corazon esta alguno parte en Cuba! My heart is somewhere in Cuba....

#6 "Every Rose Has It's Thorn"- Poison. I know it's a cheesy 80's tune, but it was the very FIRST song I learned to play on the guitar. I'm not ashamed of it at all. I AM ashamed that I've found myself watching Bret Michaels' ridiculous VH-1 FlavorFlav-like, desparate groupie show though. Stab me in the eyes, PLEASE!

#5 "Zero/In the Meantime"- Spacehog. Yes I'm one of the few remaining Spacehog fans around! The basslines are simply genius. I hate to say that their other albums aren't nearly as good as the first....

#4 "Idle Moments" - Grant Green. What a mellow, mellow tune- one that would put you to sleep at night when you need a good night's rest.

#3 "St. James Infirmiry"- Red Allen. I heard this song while watching BETJazz and this guy's voice was off the charts! I had to get a trumpet after seeing him play- and of course I made sure this tune was one of the first I learned.

#2 "Just the Two of Us"- Bill Withers. No words needed.

#1"Peace and Love"-Third World. Those people who speak Spanish know that "paz y amor" means- peace and love. That's the one thing I wish upon each and every soul roaming this earth and a mantra I try to live by....well.....except when them damn crackheads broke into my house. I wasn't very peaceful or loving then.

Imma taggin'......

Rock, Daniel- yes you Mr. Winn, Slick, Eyechan, Mama Zandile, and Ambandenva!

Summer "break"-ins

2007-07-30T10:01:00.001-07:00

I didn't even realize it but it's been well over a month since my last post and apparently I've been missed! I'd like to start this post by quoting from the Good Book, Woozie Chapter 7 verse 27:

"Man, you're a teacher. How much work could you possibly be doing during the summer?" (referring to my lack of posting.)

Well, to put it bluntly, this summer has been CRAZY as hell- and to answer the question, WORK is all I've been doing this summer. Normally I take it easy over the summer because after 10 grueling months with loud, bad ass, disrespectful children, I NEED two months of mind numbing boredom to get prepared for the school year to come. God was not smiling on me this summer of 2007 however, and I've got pictures to prove it! Instead, (s)he gave me an old fashioned dose of "Idontgiveyoumorethanyoucanhandle", maybe as a test of fortitude or possibly karmic revenge for stealing condoms from 7-11 when I was 17. Who knows, but as I write this, my summer "break" is quickly coming to a close, and the 07/08 school year will be commencing August 6th. Uhhh yeah, that is a week from now....FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

So in the artistic exhibitionist stylings of one Eyechan the Great , (who is one of very few people who make me jealous) I give you the pictorial depiction of:

The Summer Break That Wasn't.

But first, a little background....

In April, Michelle, Naimah and I moved in with Michelle's sister Melanie who live in the 'burbs- and I HATE the 'burbs. We had to make room for renters in the house we were moving from and prepare to move into the "new" house that we were in the process of buying.

This is the pretty brick house we were only a rat dick away from buying:

BUT part of the ceiling fell during the inspection which caused the entire deal to fall through due to all the repairs that needed to be made....so Senor Paz had to spend the summer working on his knees.....

....Laying TILE you nasty bastards! Jeez, what kind of guy do you think I am? Since we didn't want to overstay our welcome at Melanie's house and the fact that Michelle's other daughter and my nieces and nephew were coming to stay with us in July, we had to come up with a secondary plan to accommodate all these people. So as soon as school was over in late May, I got to work for six weeks remodeling the kitchen and bathroom in the house Kiyotoe and I bought way back in 2000. This place.

At least we wouldn't be homeless anymore, and we'd have room for everyone to sleep. I had done only one tile project before but I wanted to try my hand at some more challenging stuff, so with a little occasional help from a few friends (Kiyotoe, The Counselor and Nizzle) here's what I came up with:

New tiled kitchen floor.

New cabinets, sink, tiled counter tops, and tiled backsplash, paint (by The Counselor).

New bathroom vanity, tiled walls, paint (by The Counselor)

The tub and tiled surround.

Side wall of the tub surround.

Yeah, that's a whole lot of tiling!!!! I ain't no punk now, but this house kicked my ASS! My body was sore for a week, my hands especially- which made masterbation an adventure. I wish I could show you what the "before" pictures looked like (the house, not my penis), but trust me, the little sweat equity I put into the project went an LONG way. I actually impressed myself, which is hard to do considering my humility.

Now, right as my month and a half long project was close to completion we began moving our personal stuff into the house. A week later, some muthafuckin, no good, toothless, crackhead asshole broke in and took my power tools! THEN he came back the next night and made off with some of our possessions- tools, my trumpet, clothes etc. He even opened a jar of peanut butter, dug his nasty fingers in it and ate some, leaving the opened jar on the floor!!! And if that wasn't bad enough, as if that wasn't insulting enough, he left these neatly by the fireplace:

My shoes! But as you can plainly see, they're both missing the LEFT ONES!!! So if you see a suave lookin' homeless guy on the corner playing a flugelhorn and standing on two crusty left feet, kick him in the balls for me for stealing my shit!

A week later, the kids arrived- and apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. Aside from my own daughter, we took on THREE MORE kids for a couple weeks.

My little girl Naimah or "Juicy" as people call her. Don't let the big cheeks and innocent eyes fool you. She's a beast and she'd probably eat your hand off if you left it in front or her.

Tre "Day" watching t.v. and oblivious to the world around him. His favorite response to any explanation you give is, "But why?" so you can imagine how long our conversations get.

Kalani "Wannie" doing her favorite past time. I think she would have slept the whole summer away if someone hadn't woke her up. Funny, her mom used to do the same thing!

Chanelle "la Belle" who is five, looks eight and LOVES attention. If I hear the word "uncle" one more time, I'll jump out the window! I'll sell all four of them for $20 bucks! Any takers? Alright, I'll take 15, but you have to buy all the toys!

We've been taking these kids all over the place, the zoo, the park, restaurants, ice cream, Maxfun (an indoor amusement park), the water park etc., but in order to transport all the children around town, my brother in-law Art left his prized extra large Ford Expedition for us to use.

As he handed over the keys, his biggest concern that was someone would break in and try stealing it. Well.......guess what happened last week....

If you said, "Some muthafuckin, no good, toothless, crackhead asshole broke into the truck and tried to steal it" you've won yourself a bathtub full of loud kids!!! Congratulations! Prize is available for immediate pickup.

So now they have to replace the window and repair the steering column because the punkass wasn't skilled enough to do the job and take the truck outright. At least Art would have been able to get rid of the gas guzzler and get a rental car for a month from the insurance company. Surprisingly, he took it better than I did and took it stride. I, on the other hand was PISSED- three break-ins over a one month period, busting up shit that's not even mine! Too much for me to handle......bitches.

Well, tomorrow, the kids are going back to their parents, Naimah's going to see her G-Ma, G-Pa, Nana, and Uncle Q in Denver for a week and I FINALLY get to do what I wanted to do all summer- NOTHING. I only have 6 days, but everyday, I'm pledging to sit on my ass, rub my balls, watch Sportcenter and drink beer.

So Woozie, there you have it- a perfectly good explanation for my lack of attendance in the blogosphere. I promise you though, next summer will be different as I plan to sit on my ass, rub my balls and drink beer in some other country. At least that's my hope.

Run Dhileepan Run!

2007-06-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

It seems that lately there has been a lot of news about criminals on the lam from justice. When we read/hear about these people, we hope and pray that these criminals are taken off the street as soon as possible so that we can live safer lives. Usually it's some cracked out meth head who stole a police cruiser thinking it was his grandmother's Buick, and usually I don't give a shit about the criminal or his excuses for his crimes, but this case is a bit different.....

Before I continue, I want you to think back to what types of things you were doing as a 15 year old teen....You have some memories coming back right?

The movies, the mall, fast food, roller skates, basketball, paper airplanes, summer camp, bubbles, "Hide and Go Get It" errrr....I mean, "Hide and Seek", yeah, "Hide and SEEK"

How about performing a C-section? Was that on your list? No? Mine either.

Well, this kid Dhileepan Raj is unofficially the youngest person to ever deliver a baby by Caesarian section. Under the watchful eye of both his parents (both doctors themselves) Dhileepan performed the procedure sucessfully and compared to what we were doing as kids, that's some amazing shit if you ask me! Most of us were too squeamish to dissect frogs at that age, imagine trying to cut open a human and taking out a baby! This kid needs to be showered with accolades and scholarships to the best universities the world has to offer. But instead....

....he's on the run from the Indian authorities.

Now I know he looks like a criminal. Just look at those little beady eyes and devilish grin. You can tell he wants to chop you up and feed you to elephant seals just for the fun of it, but that's not why he's in the top ten of India's Most Wanted. He's being sought because his father wanted to see his son's name in the Guiness Book of World Records. After performing the surgery, Dhileepan's proud father began showing the video to his colleagues, who were probably jealous that their own teen sons were selling magazines on the corner and sniffing glue instead of operating on people. Some punk ass envious doctor ratted on them and today the cops showed up to arrest Dhileepan and his parents for "cheating, forgery of records, endangering human life, concealing evidence and abetting a crime." His parents got taken into custody, but the kid got away and now the police are after him. Now, I know of some stories where parents have forced their kids to work the rice fields and factories, or even allowed their kids to become child prostitutes or do pornography to help bring food to the table. (OK Woozie, I promise, it's the last reference to that unnamed ex-con!!!) These parents are teaching their son to be a DOCTOR! What's so criminal about that?

OK, ok, so having a kid do medical procedures is a bit of a hazard, I mean really, most teens can't walk and chew gum simultaneously, much less drive a car safely, but he did the surgery correctly and the woman and child are both fine. One day this kid is gonna save hundreds of lives with his medical skills and why should a criminal record keep him from that? Some crimes deserve a slap on the wrist and I think this is one of them! So right here and now, I'm starting the Free Dhileepan Petition (that is, after he gets caught) so that our senators and congressmen know that we support this kid. Hell, I'll even provide him a free place to stay....once I move to a place of my own!

read about it

IT!

2007-06-25T19:30:00.000-07:00

Before beginning this one, I have to send a special thanks to Not Fearing Change for putting me up to this. Some of these "meme" things are just dull, but I like this one. I tagged her a while ago and I think she's getting me back! Grrr! I'm supposed to tell you 8 random things about myself and then con 8 other people into telling everyone else about themselves. I suppose if I think too hard, it won't be "random" so I'll just get started....

1. As a kid, I wanted to be a cowboy when I grew up. Blame the Lone Ranger and Bill Pickett for that. After spending a week on a farm when I was 14, I changed my mind. Cows stink horribly, but spending time with them and getting attached, it's hard to imagine one sitting on your dinner plate.

2. I'm homeless. OK, so I'm not the cardboard box, skid row, pan handler "homeless" but technically, I'm homeless. To make a long story short, we're staying with Michelle's sister until I can finish redoing the kitchen and bathroom. This has required a lot of time, energy and trips to Home Depot on my part and luckily I'm almost finished. If you say the words "tile", "grout" or "cabinet" to me, I'm likely to punch you in the face.

3. I hate listening to the radio (except for NPR and 91.9- the local jazz station). If I need to explain this one to you, you probably have bad taste in music. Needless to say, I have had to repeatedly explain this to Kiyotoe, but he never seems to understand!

4. I prefer mom and pop restaraunts over big chain spots ANY DAY. Chili's, TGIFridays, Bennigan's, Ruby Tuesdays, all that shit! They all have the same basic menus- burgers, quesadillas, steaks, onion rings blah blah blah. What are we, robots? Can I get some diversity please?

5. I've been "hangover-drunk" only three times. All the other times, I was just "sorta" drunk.

6. My lucky number is 7 because that's how old I was when my younger brother was born. What's interesting is that I was the seventh blogger that NFC requested to do this. Hmmm, does someone have some psychic capabilities they're not sharing?

7. Mangoes are my favorite fruit in the WORLD.

8. I have a bad memory. If this were a "normal month" (i.e. a month where I wasn't molesting tiles 8 days a week) I'd have a hard time detailing what I did just the week prior. If I got picked up by the cops and asked about my whereabouts, I'd be stuck like Chuck!

Cop: Where were you on the night of June 20th?

Me: Uhhhh, I think I was hanging out with Michael Nickens, but I could have been at the movies, or maybe I was at home...uh...um....well...

Cop: (to another cop) Book him.

Normally, I'd pick the usual suspects to tag (Kiyotoe, The Counselor, Pigeontoes) but I think I'll pick 8 "random people"....

1. Eyechan

2. Nicole

3. The Slickster

4. Ambs

5. Esif (non blogger)

6. Nizzle

7. Sargent Charlie

8. Sarah (for your birthday)

WTF

2007-06-22T19:45:00.000-07:00

The strangest thing about this blogworld is that you make all these connections to people you don't know, and probably will never meet face to face. Their world becomes your world as you read into the minds and lives of individuals who simply offer a piece of themselves to public view (and sometimes comedic ridicule), but it's usually all in good fun. Today as I scrolled down my list of favorite blogs, I read on three different posts that a fellow blogger NY City Watchdog- someone who I'd never read before, had recently lost his 5 year old son in an accident at a swimming pool and it damn near moved me to tears. When Michelle brought my little one home, I had to grab her and hold her for a few minutes because when you become a parent, some shit is just more important than anything else.

Backtrack

2007-06-08T15:38:00.000-07:00

Well gang, it looks like my last post was moot, cause Paris is on the way back to jail. I wish I could say I feel sorry for her..................

Oh well.

Maybe the "just us" system works after all. Then again, I'm not holding my breath.

BULLSHIT

2007-06-07T08:23:00.001-07:00

I knew this shit was too good to be true! Paris Hilton got released from the clink today for "medical reasons" after serving only three days. Yeah I know what's ailing her and the entire damn justice system- IDIOCY. What, jails don't have infirmiries anymore? Isn't that where they send EVERYONE ELSE with "medical issues"? What happened to tylenol, robetussin and prozac? Those drugs cure everything! If it was a health matter that the jail couldn't handle, wouldn't they send her dumb ass to the uhhh, what's that place called? You know, the real tall place with windows, sliding glass doors and the little men with needles and white jackets. Oh yeah, a HOSPITAL. This ain't a day off from work, using up sick leave, this is J-A-I-L! I suppose I could make this into a "What the Fuck!" post but it's clearly not worth the energy or time. That petition from all her "fans" must have worked afterall.....

God Loves Durham

2007-05-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

This past Memorial Day weekend, Michelle and I took the baby up to Durham, NC to visit my sister and her family and attend their house warming party. Saturday morning, the day before the actual shindig, my brother in-law needed my help to pick up some furniture in a town 45 minutes away, so being the helpful soul I am, I oblige and agree to drive his SUV. Now I'm one of those people who HAS to listen to music while they drive or else I'm prone to fall asleep at the wheel from boredom, ESPECIALLY cruising the windy back routes through woods and farmland. So I turn on the radio and considering the fact that I don't know the local stations, I hit "scan" just to get a musical feel of the town-Testing one station to the next, here's what I got:

College rock-talk radio-country-Christian Rock-country-country-bad hip hop-country-Christian rock-country-classic rock-R&B-country-Christian rock-Gospel-country- old school R&B-country-Christian Rock-Gospel-and you guessed it-COUNTRY.

(The word "country" starts looking funny after you type it so many times!)

Despite the fact that Durham has more country stations than I've EVER seen before, on a whim I just decide to leave it on one of the Christian rock stations. I don't listen to that genre of music at all, so I just decided to give it a try and soon realize that I'm bored after the first two songs. Then after the third song, I realized WHY I was bored- they ALL are talking about the SAME THING. I'm not a big fan of monotony, and I've been known to take differents routes to get from place to place- just because. This eclipsed all other monotonous memories to date because not only was the songwriting bad but the songs were soooooooo predictable! I knew exactly what the next guy was going to sing about before the song even started.

It got me to thinking. I'm not nearly as omniscient as God is, but if I know what the song is about, surely God knows. I mean, think about this for a second. The songs that came on had lyrics like, "You're the eternal God" and "You're the creator of the universe" and "You're my everlasting God". If I'm God, I ALREADY KNOW! If all the radio stations in Heaven only play Christian rock (because of course that's the ONLY music God, listens to), don't you think God would be sitting there with his hands on his chin sighing to himself, "I know, I know, praise me, praise me. I gave the world life, blah, blah, blah. Now can you turn on some Duke Ellington or Pink Floyd? You whiny bastards bore me!"

Sunday morning, we were on our way to take all the kids to the Life and Science Museum before the party and as we passed this church as it was emptying and Michelle jokingly says, "Hey, let's go to church instead!" which starts off a conversation with my intelligent 6year old nephew Tre. It went something like this:

Tre- "We normally go to church on Sunday"

Michelle- "Yeah. So how do you like it?"

Tre-"I don't like it because church is boring!"

Michelle- "It's boring? So how does that make you feel?"

Tre- "Well, it makes me wonder how boring God is."

Well, I guess that says it all. God isn't boring. WE ARE! But at least he has a sense of humor!

Why ask why?

2007-05-23T05:28:00.001-07:00

Alright, these meme things are interesting to read (sometimes) but much more difficult to write. I don't do them often so I'll indulge my dear brother from another mother ("Kiyotoe" aka "The Dragon" aka "Jersey Slim Steeringwheel") who tagged me to explain 5 of my rationales for blogging.

a. It's my outlet. I used to play in bands to help deal with life's frustrations. Playing music seems to calm my nerves quite a bit and being a teacher frays those nerves more than any other job in the entire fucking world! Since bands can be fickle and bandmates unreliable, (and the fact that I have a cute 11 month old now) that's no longer such a viable option so I've turned to blogging....it was either that or become an alcoholic.

b. I'm a voyeur. Have you ever been to a party where two people (or ten) got naked and started having sex right in front of your eyes? Don't lie! It disgusts you to no end watching these bodies rub and hump on each other, but you can't turn your head and continue talking about car parts with all the commotion going on can you? You have to WATCH. Blogging is just like that. People allow you into their lives for a small sample of what it's like in their brains- and those with the most interesting positions are the ones you keep your eyes on.

c. I'm an exhibitionist (sorta). They say flashers walk around in overcoats because they get a rush from other people's reactions when they show off their goodies. Well, I'm pretty modest about my goodies, but whoever thought up the idea for allowing people to comment about what you write in your own blog is a genius! I like hearing what people have to say about me and my thoughts. Maybe it's my usually subtle egocentrism coming out a little bit, or maybe I am like that flasher wanting to see how other people react to the things I say. As humble as I may be, I would like to go streaking one day....

d. It's my platform. I used to LOVE creative writing in school but I always felt limited to what I could say for fear of a verbal reprimand from my teachers. These days, writing the wrong thing in school can get you arrested (Hello? First Amendment? Where are you?). Blogging allows me to display my witty, opinionated, judgemental, compaintive, comedic side that I never knew I had- and I can add the most grotesque pictures to accentuate the point if I want (mwaaa ha ha ha ha!!!!) They would NEVER have let me put up a photo of old naked people in my term papers- no one can stop me now!!!

e. I get bored easily. Not many things keep my interest long, but there are so many interesting stories to be read that it's hard NOT to stay interested. I'll stay after school sometimes and read/comment/respond for a couple hours! I know it's bad, but it can't be helped. I'm seeking therapy. My sister calls me "Blogalicious" because of my infatuation with the blog world, but I know of someone who has connected her phone to her blog so it'll inform her when she gets a comment. I may have an addiction, but that's just sick!

WTF

2007-05-07T12:16:00.000-07:00

Ahh, it's time again for another edition of What the Fuck. It's been a minute I know, but hell I've been busy!

Fake Tits and Teens.

This past weekend- Saturday to be exact, Michelle, the baby and I got together with Kiyotoe, the Couselor and Cousin Aaron to celebrate Kiyotoe's 31st birthday. Normal people celebrate Mexican Independence Day (that would be Cinco de Mayo for all those anti-immigration folks out there) by going to the nearest Mexican restaurant and ordering assloads of salsa and margaritas and singing songs in grammatically incorrect Spanish. But nooooo, we go to Benihana's for JAPANESE. No offense Eyechan, but who drinks sake on Cinco de Mayo? (besides the Japanese that is...) Anyway, at the table next to ours sat a group of youngins who were on the way to/from prom. I noticed something oddly peculiar about the 17/18 year olds sitting there- two of them girls and BOTH had fake tits. Now I'm saying this at the risk of sounding like a dirty old man, but regardless it wasn't hard to tell. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that something is definitely wrong with teenagers- who haven't fully grown into their own bodies yet, getting plastic surgery. They are right at the stage of understanding themselves and learning how to be comfortable in their own skin, a rite of passage of sorts to adulthood- so why throw a new issue at them right at their most fragile state? Then the following day I happened upon an article that questions the ethics of teens (primarily girls) getting plastic surgery as presents for their 16th birthdays and graduations. What struck me as the oddest aspect of the article is that many times it's the PARENTS who are pushing their teens to do it, rather than a request from the teen themselves. "What the FUCK! Parents are supposed to encourage you to be happy with yourself and be prideful of your physical appearance, not tell you (subtly of course) "You know Becky, you're an ugly fuckin' bastard with a flabby belly and a flat ass chest so go to Dr. Kut M. Allup and get a nose job, tummy tuck and some implants! 34C should work nicely for you." One girl who got plastic surgery said:

“[The surgery] has made me feel better. Now I have more self-confidence. When I go out … I’m not afraid of my fake padding falling out. I feel like I can look at myself and say, ‘I’m really pretty.’ Before, something seemed like it was missing. Now there’s nothing missing.”

Uhhh, sike! What's missing is some REAL parental guidance in REAL emotional self esteem, and no saline-filled breast bag can create that. Your self worth is nurtured from the inside out, not in some outsourced plastics factory in Calcutta! Eventually, that girl above with "new confidence" will find"new" things that she doesn't like about her body and she'll be going back to the doctor for more surgery and won't stop until she looks like this----------------------------------------------------------------------->

Ugh....

What happened to the notion of being happy with who you are? Or at the very least doing things to improve your self image from the INSIDE. And if you're not happy with the outside, run a few laps everyday to get rid of that extra belly. Have we become so vain in this country that our own parents can't stand to look at us? I mean even if I WAS butt ass ugly growing up, my mother would've still told me I looked perfect the way I was....Right Mom?.....uhhh.....Momma?

Speaking of being happy with who you are.....

Spencer Tunick is the MAN!

As a kid I used to wish that there was a holiday where no one could wear clothes and everyone had to go to work and school butt ass naked. I don't know if that was a signatory precursor to my adulthood perversion or just a child with a wild imagination, either way, it seems that Spencer Tunick had the same fantasy I did. In case you don't know, Tunick is a world renowned photographer who is infatuated with human nakedness, a master of gathering hundreds or thousands of people from all over the world to pose en masse.

What the fuck! What is it about this guy that he can make large groups of people drop their clothes and expose themselves on command? Imagine what you would do if you had that type of power, the dastardly things you would do....the....Ok take your hand off your genitals for a second and finish reading dammit!

This week, Tunick was at it again, gathering 18,000 people to be his visual canvas in front of Mexico City's Metropolitan Cathedral. After he shot the group, he began shooting individual women and lo and behold, young, perverted (and naked) male Mexicanos began taking out their cell phones (from where, I don't want to know!) and began taking pictures themselves. I suppose that should be expected, considering that everyone there was, well, in their birthday suits, and you're apt to have a few knuckleheads out there to ruin the artistic moment. These women were obviously offended and complained to Tunick's agent. My first instinct is to say "Suck it up- you're already naked and 17,999 other people have seen you!" But then again, I guess it's the difference between having Spike Lee get you naked on film and having Ron Jeremy get you naked on film. Who would you prefer?

Speaking of naked on film......

Paris Hilton: Go straight to jail.

Do not pass Go.

Do not collect $200!

I've had TWO people tell me that Paris Hilton is actually an intelligent person in the last six months (I guess that says a lot!). Next they'll be telling me that she's really going to jail. Wait, she IS going to jail! 45 days to be exact for driving with a suspended licence. At the recent "trial" she claimed that was driving because her publicist "thought" she could. Hold up! Now I understand that celebrities have people do shit for them all the time- you know, getting coffee, buying groceries, babysitting the shiffon, but having the peons "think" for them is on a whole different level. How do you NOT know your licence was suspended, and if you didn't know, how can you think that it's a good defense in court? "Uhhh I didn't think that I could have sex with that twelve year old child Your Honor, but my publicist said it was alright..." Oh wait, we're not talking about Michael Jackson are we? Damn. The judge didn't buy the bullshit story either and promptly sentenced her to 45 days in the clink. What the Fuck! Celebrities don't go to jail, except Ms. Cleo that is, but she should have "seen" that one coming! Callmenow! They get probation, rehab and community service, the type of sentence your crackhead Cousin Pookie should have gotten for stealing the t.v. out of that old lady's house. Is our justice system FINALLY turning over a new leaf, or was the judge just having a bad day because his bluetooth stopped working? I think the judge was having a bad day.

Speaking of gadgets for lazy people....

Blue Tooth Mania

One of the best pieces of advice my grandfather gave me was, "Keep it simple. Life is hard enough so why do things to make complications? Keep it simple!" Well, I take my Grandpa's advice like gospel and anyone who knows me personally knows that my life is the epitome of simplicity. I don't complicate things with trivial matters or complex gadgets. I like my guitars made of wood and my dinnerware made of ceramic. I don't cook anything in the microwave and I still record music on cassettes. I don't gossip with fellow teachers ABOUT fellow teachers and I don't tell them shit about what I do in my spare time. I'm so old fashioned and would still have a rotary phone if I could get my hands on one. (and Woozie asks, "What's a rotary phone?")....

Well, it has come time for me to part ways with my current cell phone and upgrade, but here's my dilemma. I JUST WANT A PHONE! I'm on Cingular's website (soon to be the "new" AT&T) and looking at the various available "phones" and each description is a myriad of techno talk that sounds like Mandarin Taiwanese pig latin with a Jamaican accent. 1.5 MP camera this, 5billion megahurt that, PIM organizer whodawhata. What the FUCK!!! I just want a PHONE!!!! Something that dials 10-15 digits so I can curse out my fucked up mortgage company and none of these phones fit the bill. Can I get just ONE that has as it's advertisement, "It's rectangular shaped, holds 100 numbers in it's memory and dials." That's all I need! If I want to use a computer I go to my laptop. If I want a camera, I get my 35mm. If I want music, I pop a cd into my cd player. If I want porn, I go to Kiyotoe's house. A PHONE is all I need, but nooooo, they are trying to strongarm me into becoming one of these people who can't help but wear their bluetooth:

Oops, wrong image....

That's more like it!

No offense Le Parq (you know who you are!) but I can't STAND these damn bluetooth things. They take laziness and grandiose self importance to a whole new level! I can't go to a bar without seeing some post frat boy with one dangling off the side of his head, with a flashing blue light that would drive an epileptic CRAZY! Wearing that thing doesn't make you look important, it makes you look like you belong on the set of Star Trek getting assfucked by a Klingon. Is answering the phone at warp speed THAT important that you can't take it out of your pocket and put it up to you ear after a couple rings? The whole reason the internal/external phone ring was invented was so that you had time to get to the phone in order to answer it, and the person calling you can WAIT until you answer. Pretty soon, The Bluetooth Decathlon will be the newest Olympic event and the objective will be to answer the phone before the person calling you finishes dialing.

And whoever comes in last place gets assfucked by a Klingon.

and finally.....

Speaking of people who need a good Klingon assfucking....

The MPAA says "No" to Smoking

The MPAA, the narcissistic, sex deprived, prudish, fascist bastards who dictate what rating a film receives have decided that smoking will be a factor in whether a movie gets a PG or R rating. Along with sex, violence and nudity, films that feature "glamorized" smoking will get a harsher rating than films without. The rationale behind this new move is that the MPAA feels teens are compelled to smoke based on what they see on the big screen but critics say that it doesn't go far enough to dissuade teens from lighting up. What the fuck! When will they learn? Teens don't take their social cues from the movies anymore. This ain't the 50's when all the young turks slicked their hair back like James Dean and drove fast down rainy highways. This is the Nineteen-two-thousands! Kids wanna be like each OTHER and peer pressure is the real culprit. If their boys are dressin' like Lil John, THEY wanna dress like Lil John- white tees all around! If you really want to get kids to avoid smoking and doing drugs, simply KILL their friends who do. That would knock out the problem altogether. OK, that's a little harsh and irrational, but it would work! OK, ok, here's a better solution- tell them the truth. As I've mentioned before in my "Lyin' to the Kids" post, giving kids a light hearted message regarding the dangers of smoking doesn't cut it. It sends a mixed message that these smart-assed modern teens see right through. Don't feed them the bullshit about the black lungs and emphazema, SHOW them what is does to living people!

Looking at a guy with a hole in his neck from cancer will surely make a teen think twice about taking another drag. But I guess that's too much like right.

My New Hero

2007-05-01T05:18:00.000-07:00

Deborah Jeane Palfrey is my new hero. If you have no idea who she is, you need to pick up a newspaper or read any news outlet online and you'll see she's doing something unprecedented- holding the most powerful men in the country by the balls- literally! You see, Ms. Palfrey, (I call her DJ, we go way back) is the most powerful person in Washington right now. Normally that honor would go to the President, but we know what a great "leader" he's been over the last few years so he's eliminated automatically. Anyway, DJ is now known as the infamous "D.C. Madam" because of a high priced brothel she's been accused of running over the last ten years or so in the nation's capital. I know what you're thinking, So she ran a prostitution ring in D.C., big deal! - right. But oooh no, this goes much deeper than that because, you see, this brothel catered to a certain clientele- folks in the federal government. You know, the same, lame-duck jackasses who spy on us, take our taxes and create laws to dictate how we live our private lives....yeah, them!

For the past week, she's been wrangling with lawyers and prosecutors in an attempt to weasel her way out of jail time by threatening to release her "black book"- said to contain the names and numbers of thousands of Washington's elite politicians and government officials. Deputy Secretary of State Randall L. Tobias has already resigned his post after being implicated in the "scandal" and it's sure to produce more resignations upon release. I'm not into celebrity gossip at all, but I'm lickin' my chops to see who's going down this time! Roll call!

Now, we all know how manipulative some women can be at times, but she might take the cake. Check out the balls on this chick!

DJ is using her moment of spotlight and "find witnesses" to testify on her behalf that she didn't engage in the prostitution business. In other words, she's trying to get her former clients to testify in court that they themselves weren't johns and the ladies hired to service them as "escorts" and "masseuses" weren't hookers. Hmmm- if it smells like bullshit and it looks like bullshit, then you must be paying for sex!!! It seems to me that she's doing her best Nino Brown impression- "If I'm going down, I'm taking everyone down with me!" ("going down" get it?!?!) -and it's working to her advantage!

But here's the kicker-

She has the nerve to say that because of the high profile nature of the case and the high profile people involved that the court should allocate $500,000 to her defense fund! I wouldn't be surprised if she actually gets her former clients to foot the bill just so she'll keep their names under wraps. Though it seems a little shady that she's now blackmailing the people who kept her lights on just to avoid prison, it's a very smart move considering that the folks who want her in prison have friends who are on the list- or they're actually on the list themselves! What's most amazing about this whole defense is that it might actually work! Fuck 'em silly, take their money and then pressure them to bail you out- or ELSE. Well, it'll either work in her favor or she'll be found floating face down in the Potomac River.....You don't fuck with folks in the government unless you can live to tell your grandkids about it.

This whole thing is going to be hilarious! I'm just waiting for the Senate hearing where the interrogation by a sweaty Arlen Spector goes like this:

Arlen Spector: So Ms. Palfrey, what kinds of services did your company provide?

DJ: Whatever the client asked for.

AS: Can you describe some services that were rendered?

DJ: Are you sure you want me to do that?

AS: Why of course, the American people want to know!

DJ: Well, remember that time you asked us for a small boy in a Boy Scout uniform to stomp on your balls and we told you we only hire adult women? Or the time you asked for a Dirty Sanchez?

AS: Uhhhh Ms. Palfrey.... (hand over the microphone) ....didn't you get my check?

DJ: I don't recall....

AS: No further questions.

Maybe it's just the fact that I love to see the underdawg take out the big dawg. This demure, bespeckled lady is taking on the gubment and actually has a plan to win- or at least get off ("get off"...get it?!?!). Or maybe it's the fact that there's a bunch of crusty men and maybe a few crusty women, pissing themselves silly with fear that they'll be found out as "frauds" and forced to vacate their positions of power. Then again, I'm sure more than a few paid good money to get pissed on (ewww), but I digress ....You would think that these dummies would have pushed their friends in congress to legalize prostitution outright by now (as it should be) so that they wouldn't have to deal with any backlash, but I guess they're not THAT smart are they. Stay tuned....I am.

Sad Times

2007-04-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

You know, as a new parent I have to wonder if any place is safe for the kids to be anymore. Growing up, there were two places that I always felt the safest- at home and at school, but now it seems that the last bastions of safety are being compromised on the daily. The death toll from today's shooting on Virginia Tech's campus rose from 1 to 7 to 21 to 31, and I'm sure there will be more counting to do before we all go to bed tonight.

It seems in recent years for whatever reason, that schools and the students studying there are becoming easy, innocent targets for lunatics with firearms. I guess what I don't understand is why they choose places of higher learning to carry out their evil deeds. Why not just bust up into some crack house with guns blazing, or even round and take out a bunch of heinous pedophiles to make a point or seek revenge? Hell, take out a few corrupted politicians while you're at it, but spare our future teachers, doctors, scientists and social workers! Assholes.

The most fucked up part about this is that the folks who were killed today are all kids who are just hitting the prime of their lives. They were just getting to the point of understanding who they really are and what the fuck they want to do with themselves, all the while making those lifelong friends and memories to get them through life's most troubling times. College is that period where you can still be a kid, but pretend to be a responsible adult ("babydult" as my sister would say), study until 6 and play spades until 4, have company or have visitation revoked for the month, philosophize until your head spun or just learn something new about yourself by simply gazing at the stars.

And need I mention the assortment of characters you meet that enhance your very being? The clubbers, the stoners, the steppers, the junkies, the nerds, the jocks, the hippies, the drunks, the manwhores, the "tree people", the "wall people", the loud ass people upstairs, the cultists, the "career students" in mini shorts and jheri curls, and the strippers working their way through school. The people who would get you high- just because they didn't want to puff alone. The folks who make you smile and cry in the same day. The people who'd piss you off, but would clean you up after you throw up all over yourself from a night of binge drinking. The friends who'd sit and listen to you vent about Biology class and the chick who doesn't know you exist, and the "friends" who are so self consumed that they have to lie about shit to feel better about themselves. The people who make you a better musician, and the people who sketch your image in the midst of your musical growth. The friends who you get in trouble with, and the folks who take the sucker punches intended for you. Your openly gay, exchange student roomate, and the roomates who just might be. The folks who resemble you on campus, and the folks who you mistakenly call by someone else's name- in bed (I never did it by the way, but I know people who did! Whew!!!). THIS is what college is all about and THESE are the people who shape you and the life that is to come. You eventually learn the biggest lesson that college has to offer: that you are forever changed by the people you've encountered and wouldn't be the same had you not met. Instead of living out those experiences, a bunch of people in Virginia have lost their runnin' buddies, consiglieris, girlfriends, first loves, last loves, study partners, roommates, sorority sisters, designated drivers, fathers, daughters, mothers and sons- vital parts of themselves.

It's a goddamn, muthafuckin, wasteful shame! May they all forever rest in peace....

Quote of the Day

2007-04-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I was sitting in Mona's, a restaurant in Denver waiting for my pick-up order and this old guy says,

"Man, did you see all the buses in front of the Casino (a local music venue)? There were like EIGHT buses in front of the place! (there were three). I like money and all but I don't wanna be the richest man in the graveyard!"

My question is, what the hell does one have to do with the other?

Quote of the day

2007-04-04T15:10:00.000-07:00

An nine year old kid is on the computer at the library and he says to his mother:

"I'll be off in a second! I love this game. You get to kill and there's blood 'n stuff!

I believe the children are our future...

Chocolate Jesus

2007-03-31T05:31:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, the annual Christmas play in New York's Central Park featured a Black man playing the lead role as the son of God himself. Though no one can say for sure what Senor Cristo looked like, he probably didn't resemble Shaka Zulu, and he sure wasn't the blonde hair blue eyed cat we're used to seeing either. Regardless, people in NYC actually got OFFENDED that the play would feature a Jesus with dark skin. In fact, one female ignoramous said as she was buying her ticket, "This isn't the play with the Black Jesus is it? If so I don't think I want to see that." What is so wrong seeing a dark skinned Jesus? You don't see folks raising hell about Elizabeth Taylor playing Cleopatra, but I suppose folks are little more sensitive about the Saviour than Ms. Cleo (the Egyptian, not the fake ass psychic). It seems to me that anytime God or Jesus is given a naturally human characteristic, some religious nut gets pissed off, as if the being that "created man in his image" can't do the things humans do or look the part.

The latest victim of the religious right's wrath is Canadian artist Cosimo Cavallaro who created this image of Jesus in chocolate, arms streched as if on an invisible cross. What got everyone pissed off though is that Cosimo forgot one small detail, Jesus' loincloth- you know the thing that covers up his happy spot! Oops. So not only is his Jesus dark skinned, but he's NAKED too, showing all his manly goodies to the world! Le artiste should have seen the backlash on this one coming. Who says God has no sense of humor....

The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights called for a boycott of the hotel that houses the art gallery and eventually succeeded in shitting, I mean shutting the exhibit down, citing it as "one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever." Wow. I would think creating a holiday to celebrate Nero feeding Christians to lions would be a bigger assault, but who am I? The hotel manager Matt Semler resigned, blaming "strong-arming from people who hadn't even seen the exhibit," saying further that "In this situation, the hotel couldn't continue to be supportive because of a fear for their own safety" and he even received personal DEATH THREATS because of the show. Very "Christian" indeed wouldn't you say? The most ironic thing is that the show hasn't even OPENED to the public! It was supposed to open Monday (two days from now) and end Easter Sunday, a coincidence adding to the furor. It wasn't like the sculpture had Jesus holding his chocolate penis with his left hand and throwing up gang signs with his right. He wasn't bonin' a sexy chocolate Mary Magdalene doggy style in some chocolate swinger orgy, nor was he in an inappropriate pose with little chocolate children. It was simply Jesus, naked. What is so wrong about this? I mean really, if Jesus was a man, Jesus had a dick. If Jesus washed his ass, Jesus got naked. Simple as that!

Apparently for some, Jesus, supposedly God in his/her earthly, human form depending on the belief system, can't be TOO earthly and human or else it's considered blasphemous. If Jesus had a (*gasp*) wife, and got (*gasp*) nekkid, and (*gasp*) had sex, and (*gasp*) had children then he's somehow less holy. This makes no sense to me at all! He ate, drank, slept, laughed and everything else we humans do under the sun, yet, he's exempted from participating in the best and funnest (yes, FUNNEST) of human activities, including going around "au naturale". The biggest irony of all is that the Catholic League is supposedly representing religious civil rights- hell "civil rights" in the group's title, yet they're fervently denying Mr. Cavallaro the RIGHT to display his art. Hypocracy at its finest!

I think it's safe to say that people are too sensitive about the Saviour. I know, I know, sometimes Christianity is victimized and insulted- I can admit that, however, this chocolate Jesus is not the one of those cases. Who knows, Jesus might actually be impressed and honored by the chocolate effigy saying, "Yo man, my stuff comes down to my KNEES jack, like POW!!! YEAH! That's what I'm talking about!" But instead of letting the public see the interpretation, poor Cosimo gets censored, the very thing the original Christians in America wanted to escape. Funny how times change.

Only FIVE?!?!

2007-03-24T14:50:00.000-07:00

I hate limits. They are so confining and tiresome, but alas, I'll abide by the rules. That being said, I was tagged by Woozie- a "kid" who writes like he's a grumpily intelligent 40 year old and pretends to be in high school. There's STILL a small part of my brain that believes that every now and then he writes a post about AP Psychology and pre- semester registration just to keep up his ruse. Of course he would have been on this list of five had I got to him first, but don't listen to me, read it for yourself. Sick, twisted and beautiful all at the same time. Anyway, this post is supposed to be about five bloggers who make me think. It would be easy (and justified) for me just to simply write, "ALL these fools!" and end it because anyone whose blog I read on the regular keeps me interested by forcing me to pick apart my brain and wonder about humanity. So here we go...and make sure you read what these folks have to say because I think they're far more intriguing than I.

Thoughts: written by my girl Conchetta who I've known since the third grade. It's a rare day that she writes, but when she does, hold on to your hat because she's too profound for words.

Blackett the First: An interesting cat from Darlington, U.K. he's actually got TWO places to check out. The first is written commentary about the ills of the world, the second is commentary on a much more personal level, one that beautifully walks the fine line between egocentrism and introspection. Why else would each post feature a different version of his pretty mug shot and a short tag line. Genius.

Not Fearing Change: One of my favorite lines in The Virgin Suicides was, "Obviously, Doctor you've never been a fourteen year old girl." Though I'll never know what it's like to go through all the trials and tribulations of teenage girls or WOMEN for that matter, she opens the door a bit for those of us with outies instead of innies (I ain't talking navels here...)

Petunia: Considering the fact that my once near-fluent Spanish isnow in a near state of atrophy, I love the notion that she writes her posts in both Spanish and English- though I'm sure she does it to cater to her Spanish-speaking friends/relatives who don't speak English rather than el gringo negro (me) who is trying to shape up on his Spanish. I first try translating the Spanish version and whatever words I can't translate right away, I find them in the English version and add them to my vocabulary. Nerdy I know, so what.

and last, but certainly not least

Pigeontoes: This cat has been keeping me honest since middle school. He keeps his posts short and sweet and relishes the beautiful simplicities of life. What more could you ask for.

Now go forth and multiply.

Old at 30 (almost 31)

2007-03-17T04:15:00.000-07:00

When I was as kid, I used to be afraid of death. Not the "I'm scared of the Great Beyond" fear, but rather, I had a fear of the manner in which I would die. Considering that there are approximately 8 million ways to end life as we know it, it's fair to say that I was afraid of just about everything at some point- walking across the street, electricity, dogs, food, the sun, water- you get the idea. I was convinced that I was a shoe-in to die a premature death, that I'd be lucky in fact to hit 21. No I didn't grow up in some gangland, drug infested neighborhood where the life expectancy for young Black males was 18, but for whatever reason I thought that I'd be a prime candidate for a body bag way before my time. Birthdays weren't cause to celebrate, they just represented a year closer to "The Dreaded End!" I even had dreams that I was at my own funeral, in middle school! Senior Citizen? Not me! Luckily I got out of that obsessive compulsive phase pretty early on, realizing that eventually death would become us all and it was nothing to fear- regardless of the vehicle.

Pragmatism, I called it.

Somehow I made it to 25 and that fear of death had all but disappeared, but THEN I realized that at 25 (and a day), I was closer to 30 than I was to 20. Oh shit... That brought on a whole new set of concerns- the dreaded NEXT STEP- marriage, kids, career (as opposed to "job"), mortgage, insurance, taxes....taxes....death...taxes....death....taxes. Once I got that under control (or so I tell myself), the age of 30 rolls around, and I one day, I wake up and realize....

.....wait I'm an ADULT! A-D-U-L-T. What happened?

What happened was I started getting "old"- the one thing I never thought would occur. Old in my thoughts, old in my actions, old in my body. Me and Kiyotoe have joked about being old since we were 21. Yeah imagine that, two kids JUST out of teenagerdom talking about, "Man we're gettin' old...." If I could go back in time to Clark Atlanta University circa 1997, I'd slap the shit out of both of us- twice.....

...Because NOW we're O-L-D.

I'm approximately two weeks away from 31 (Kiyotoe- a month and two weeks- he's an old fart too), which means now I'm closer to 40 than I am to 20 and I've had a few recent experiences in the last month or so to drive that point home, again and again. So now I present to you (begrudgingly...)

You know you're old at 30 when....

(sigh)

You know you're old at 30 when....

...you watch NBA highlights on SportsCenter and think to yourself, "I remember when this guy was drafted!" and now he's a COACH.

...you care how your jacked up, uncut, dirt patch, crabgrass and weed havin' yard looks to the neighbors.

...you're watching a porn and don't recognize the actors, but you recognize the room, the paintings and even the ugly furniture from a completely different flick.

...your knees ache when it's cold outside, but yet, you let the house STAY cold as shit on the inside because you fear what the ridiculous bill will look like if you turn on the heat.

...you feel the pinch in your pocket when the national economy takes a hit and pray to God that it doesn't get worse.

...you start watching DIY shows on the DIY network- not to get home improvement tips but for entertainment.

...you realize that you're no longer the youngest person among the faculty at school. And to make it worse, THE youngest people among the faculty were still in high school when you started teaching!

...you find yourself watching music videos and getting the urge to scream, "Get some balls you sissy whiny bastard!".

...you wake up at 7am, on a Saturday, and call yourself "sleeping in".

...you and your boys debate politics, social topics, education and talk about life at home instead of talking about women and sports.

...you wear yourself out, trying to wear out your hyperactive daughter.

...your 4th grade students use their own cell phones to call their parents rather than asking to go to the office to use the phone there.

...all the noisy toys around the house make you want to jump out the window and run down the street butt-ass-nekkid when they go off, but you understand why they are a necessary evil and tolerate it.

...almost all your boys from high school are married and even the one who was last to FINALLY get laid has a kid. By the way K-dawg, thanks for (not) calling me back! I had to listen to your message 10 times before I understood what you were saying. Congratulations!

...after watching Sponge Bob for the first time, you finally realize why your students are saying "Oh barnacles!"

...after watching Sponge Bob for the first time, you realize that your old outdated, dull-looking cartoons are SO much better than this shit the kids are watching today.

...you turn the volume on the tv all the way down during commercials.

...you end your online chess game prematurely when all hope is lost rather than allowing your opponent to make the ten more moves necessary for checkmate. (Nick!)

...someone mentions that they want to go to the strip club for their birthday and you voluntarily pass, not for monetary reasons, but because "Strip clubs don't do it for me anymore..."

...you listen to NPR's "Morning Edition" on your way to work and run the risk of getting stuck in traffic rather than endure all the bullshit on the local radio stations and get the traffic report.

...your younger sister is hitting the big 3-0 this year (he he he)

...you tell a misbehaving kid in your class, "Get yourself together or else I'll call your dad. Don't make me dial the seven digits." ...and then some other kid walks up to you and whispers in your ear, "Uhhh Mr. Rahmaan, it's ten digits...."

C'mon you thirty-somethings, tell me why YOU feel old....

WTF

2007-02-21T12:12:00.000-08:00

OK, so it seems that every time I get a case of severe writer’s bloc, a What The Fuck seems to lift me out. Whatever it takes right? So here we go, the celebrity edition….

Poor Brittney

For the last ten years or so, I’ve been the self proclaimed president, CEO, founder and personal advocate of the die-hard, not-for-profit, Brittney Spears Hater Nation. Anyone who has EVER debated the merits of her music with me has heard me say at least once that the music of Brittney Spears and anyone remotely like her is about as close to pissyshitvomit as music can get. People have accused me of being "jealous" or having a lack of appreciation for modern popular music, but DAMN THAT. The simple fact that she’s become a huge superstar on the merits of her looks and gyrating hips, rather than her mediocre singing skills is reason enough to ban her from the airwaves and boycott her record company. That being said (sigh) I wish folks would just leave her alone. What! Is the Paz-man defending the bane of his musical existence for a change?

Yeah, I guess I am!

I actually feel quite sorry for the girl, mainly because the maniacal media hype that once crowned her queen of shit-pop has turned her life into a virtual living hell. Ooh, she's having kids with her dancer, Ooh- she’s driving with her baby in her lap, Ooh- she’s hanging out with Paris Hilton, Ooh- she’s in rehab, Ooh- she’s taking a shit with the door open! The latest thing is this shaved head and tattoo of hers. Why the HELL is a hair cut and inked skin front page news?!?!? Where are our priorities? I just wish that one day, some news reporter would just say:

“Brittney Spears attended the Grammy’s wearing nothing but a greasy ass, dripping wet jheri curl wig, polka dot kashmir bathrobe and stilettos. WHO GIVES A SHIT!!!….and now onto the weather.”

The truth of the matter is that the media acts as a double edge sword. It gives the superstar love and admiration beyond their wildest dreams, and virtually overnight it barbarically demonize them, casting them in the most hideous of lights. The paparazzi hounds these people until it drives them crazy, and then when the people start exhibiting those loose screws in public, the media pounces again making them CRAZIER. Just to prove it, Brittney fucked up a cameraman for invading her personal space- GOOD! The ironic thing is that people in the media act surprised when these crazy people end up jumping off cliffs and pumping shotgun shells into their own heads to escape their glamorous lives. When suicide is the only way to escape stardom, something is definitely wrong with stardom…..What the Fuck!

Speaking of celebrity suicide…

Suicide Queen

We are seriously in the need of some REAL dead heroes to mourn. I am SO sick of hearing about that dead blonde chick and all the damn postmortem drama with her momma, her house, her baby, her babydaddies, her lawyer, her dead body, the judge and the damn Bahamian Tourism Minister! I know I sound heartless and cruel, but WHY is society so infatuated with this dead woman's life? If Rigoberta Menchu or Wangari Maathai died in similar mysterious circumstances would there be this much hype?

(step up onto soapbox)

Oh you don't know who these women are?!?! Well, they struggled for years in their respective poverty stricken countries to win rights and freedoms for their fellow citizens, eventually rising to global prominence, each winning the Nobel Peace Prize for their work to SAVE FUCKING HUMANITY!!!!

(step off of soapbox)

Just to put things into perspective, this is Anna Nicole's noble resume in her rise to stardom:

(ahem)

She married some old guy and made him happy for a couple months,

she gets added to his will,

he dies,

she inherits some phat cash,

she poses for Hugh Hefner,

does drugs,

has a (s)hit show glamorizing her life of excess (and by proxy- the drugs),

her son dies from her pills,

she has a baby by her lawyer or ex-boyfriend or gardener,

she dies.

Is it a tragedy? Yes. Is it worth the hours of airtime being devoted to it daily? Nope. In fact, the same day Anna Nicole Smith died, news broke that the US is on the verge of ending the nuclear crisis with North Korea..... and hardly anyone knew about it. Why? Because Anna Nicole's death was more "important" than preventing a possible nuclear showdown. In fact, the news reported yesterday that demented tourists in the Bahamas are hanging around the cemetary where Smith's dead son is buried in the event the judge orders her buried next to him in the next few days. You're in the damn Carribean hanging out in cemetaries instead of the BEACH?!?! What the FUCK. People really need to get lives. What else needs to be said?

Speaking of saying a wee bit too much....

Hate is a Strong Word

Sorry P-toes, I know this is ya boy and all but....

When I was a little tike, my Nana used to tell us, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." What she SHOULD have told us is this, "If you become a famous person with lucrative endorsement deals, status in the sports world and a budding career in color commentary, know when to SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Tiny Tim Hardaway could have saved his nice-guy reputation by following my Nana's advice, but instead he wrote his own episode of "When Keepin' it Real Goes Wrong" by saying he "hates gay people" and wouldn't want to play with a gay teammate. Upon seeing that his comments weren't taken with a grain of salt, he immediately issues an apology and says that it was a poor choice of words (no shit), even removing his own name from a car wash that he owns in Miami. He THEN blames his upbringing for his comments, that those words he used are what he grew up with. Why can't people just eat their words with some dignity and stick to their guns? I'm not saying that what he said was good, but his half hearted apology is for damage control, not sincerity. I'd have more respect for him if he had said that he doesn't like homosexuality, but he should have used more appropriate wording. The ironic thing is that people who come out and vehemently rail against homosexuality in that manner do so because they are probably....you guessed it....G-A-Y and using their strong words to protect themselves. So following that logic, Timmy may have just outed himself without realizing it. Hey, he should have thought about Ted Haggard and all his anti-gay rhetoric before opening his mouth. Gays may not be welcomed yet in the mainstream sports world, but it's nice to know that the bad idea called discrimination isn't welcomed either.

Speaking of bad ideas....

Britain begins withdrawal from Iraq- as more American troops Arrive

Claiming that the Southern Iraq town of Basra is relatively "safe" (relative being the most important word), British P.M. Tony Blair announced that 1,600 of the 5,500 British troops in Iraq would begin going home. Not to be outdone, American VP Dickie Cheney said that this withdrawal shows progress in the quest for stability in the closest thing to Hell on Earth. So THAT explains why 20,000 more US troops are being shipped into Iraq- the "dick" and the "pres" don't want them to miss out on all the festivities....Hmm. To the numb-er nut, progress is obvious, right? Sunni-Shia violence is decreasing, insurgent bomb making is getting less sophisticated and fewer US troops are being victimized by bad war planning- just like the powers that be want us to believe. Too bad I'm not the average dummy who blindly believes what the government says without thinking for myself. The truth is, the civil war is spreading and getting worse, US choppers are being shot down weekly and insurgents are beginning to use CHLORINE GAS in their bombmaking for the first time. Yeah Dick, things are getting better. Next they'll be telling us that Elvis and Tupac were found in some hidden bunker in Baghdad. I think it's safe to say officially that the war our government is "seeing" and the war seen by the general public are in two completely different time zones. But I suppose we're not smart enough to figure that out either. What the fuck!

and finally....Speaking of smarts....

Suze Orman Wants to Wed

Suze Orman has revealed that she wishes she could marry her longtime partner- Kathy Travis-so that upon death, she can inherit most of the millions Orman would leave to her rather than lose half of it to estate taxes. Now if you've ever bought one of her best selling books, I suggest you do two things:

1- find any and all of the Orman books in your house and burn them

2- go to the nearest bar and order a shot of everything from the top shelf to help you forget anything you've ever learned from her

Why you ask?

Simple (and it's not because she's gay dammit...anyone who knows me knows how much I love the idea of two women gettin' busy!) This woman owns $7 million is real estate and has managed to to build up an empire worth $20 million, but she can't find a way to buy a house in Massachusets (where gay marriage is legal) and MOVE. Anyone who's smart enough to create that much wealth, but can't spent a few extra hundred thousand to relocate temporaily to marry the love of her life can't be trusted. What the fuck.

It's a (Black) Super Bowl Sunday

2007-01-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

As I was growing up, I became a HUGE sports fan, and there's only one person I can credit with that- my Dad! I can remember when boxing used to come on ABC's Wild World of Sports and my dad would be right there- front and center, watching some no-name pugilist bob and weave in the hopes of one day getting a title shot in his respective weight class. Sometimes he would win, sometimes he would get his ass kicked, but my dad was right there, hoping he'd jab his way to victory. One thing I started realizing is that regardless of who was fighting, my dad would always root for the Black dude... Honestly, I really didn't think of it as anything extraordinary at the time.....

In the mid 80's, I remember going to a bowling alley with my dad and watching Philly play Boston in the NBA Eastern Conference Finals and sure enough, my dad was rooting for the 76ers. Me being the little kid trying to establish my "man"hood at the tender age of 8, rooted for Boston. It wasn't because I liked Larry Bird or those putrid green uniforms with the too short, ass huggin' mini pants. It was because that small competitive side of me wanted to beat my dad at something! He gave me whoopins on occasion (deservedly so) and I guess I felt that it was the only way I could get the best of him- without getting another whoppin for it! I think Philly won though, as my dad ALWAYS seemed to know who was going to win in the end. Hell, I don't remember...but what I DO remember is the fact that Philly had a whole lot more Black players than Boston....hmmm.

Then, Super Bowl 22 came around and MY Denver Broncos were facing the Washington Redskins. Throughout the game, I was hopelessly cheering my lackluster Donkeys like a rabid dog, but my Dad was being a "traitor" and cheering FOR the ENEMY (yes Woozie, that would be YOUR team!) This, I could not understand in the slightest bit. Hell, we lived IN Denver and my dad had called it home for 14 some odd years. How could he be cheering for the damn Redskins in the most important football game of the year?!?! I think it was THEN that it hit me...My dad wasn't rooting for the 'Skins at all, he was rooting for Doug Williams. In case you need a quick lesson in Sports History, Doug Williams is the first and ONLY Black quarterback to have won the BIG one in football and did it by royally kickin' our asses, 42-10. This in turn set aside years of racial stereotyping that said a Black QB couldn't do it. Up yours Jimmy the Greek! In fact, Williams had one of the best games in Superbowl history, but I won't go into details, THAT ass whoopin' still stings a bit.

Since then, I've found myself rooting for the Black cats too- just like my dad. It doesn't even matter what sport- golf, bowling, NASCAR, bassfishing, figure skating...you get the idea. I don't even WATCH these damn boring ass sports, but if there's a Black person competing, I'm on their side, and it seems like my whole family has joined the fray. Just to give you an idea, my grandmother didn't start watching tennis until the Williams sisters came on the scene. Now she tells ME about the matches in great detail. During the World Cup (uh, that would be soccer!) I openly hoped for all the African teams (and Trinidad) to do well. When they all got eliminated, I was hoping Ecuador would make a good run- which they did. Then they got put out so finally I settled on France because they were the one team with the most Black dudes on it. Now this may seem like a racist notion to some- but it's not. Maybe there's a bit of hypocracy involved considering my globalist point of view, but I can't help it, dammit! Here's why.

(I know this seems like it should be a WTF post, two Black dudes on ice skates and a presidential hopeful but pinch yourself, it's for REAL!)

What struck me most was the realization that each victory for a Black contender in sports, politics, medicine, and ANYTHING else has always been a metaphoric victory for ALL Black people. Just like the days when Joe Louis and Muhammad Ali (Happy Birthday Champ) were literally fighting their way to the top, each knockout was a symbolic message of hope- their victories were our victories. They made us human at a time when most of society thought of us less than human, and treated us worse. What a heavy burden! Though times have invariably changed, the uplifting feeling of pride that occurs everytime a Black person succeeds has not.

This weekend marks a possibly HUGE moment in the world of sports. For the first time in history, there could be a Black head coach in the Superbowl. Not only that, there might be TWO, Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy! Unprecedented. As I've said before, no Black coach or athlete wants to be known as a good "Black coach/athlete"- they want to be known as a GOOD COACH or ATHLETE, not separate or marginalized- just human. Hopefully, one day that will happen and ESPN won't feel compelled to use the racial marker before explaining how good someone is, but until then, I'll have my biases I suppose. Just so you know, I've never been an Indianpolis Colts fan, and I stopped liking the Bears after they released the "Fridge" way back when, but this Sunday, I'll be rooting for them both. In the event they face each other in the Super Bowl- honestly, I won't care who wins, but my heart will be with Indy (that's where my Dad is from). Don't tell Kiyotoe though...he's a Bears fan and I'll never hear the end of it!

Tea Time

2007-01-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

Heeeeeey, wait a sec. What kind of tea party is this Risa? No men in the house? Now I'll have to talk the "man talk" with myself and everyone will think I'm crazy! Wait, Jordan just showed up *whew!* That's alright, we dig tea too, even if it's just the two of us. Well, in typical male fashion, I FORGOT my tea, but I brought along my big cupcake for everyone to share.

WTF

2007-01-12T10:04:00.000-08:00

Alright gang here's another installment of your quirky week in What the Fuck.

Dante's Bust

No I'm not talking about some drug addicted athlete who got caught, or some woman's fine cleavage, I'm talking about Dante, the writer of the famed apocalyptic novel "Dante's Inferno." Some scientists in Italy "reconstructed" Dante's face from a 700 year old skull and came up with this:

Now my question is-- Who REALLY knows?
Yes Dante is an important figure in literary history. In fact, he's probably responsible for bringing more converts to Christianity than any pope EVER, but at the same time it's highly unlikely that Dante really looked like this. These cocky scientist were SO confident in their artwork that they found themselves "surprised" at the "real" shape of his hooked nose. Umm, ok. Taking some dead guy's skull and creating a face you THINK fits must be pretty easy, but making it accurate is damn impossible. Now let's have a little game to bring the point home. I'm going to put up a series of four pictures that are different renditions of the SAME famous historical figure and see if you can guess who it is. Ready.... Remember, these are all supposed to be the SAME person....Ready.....GO!

Stop.

Take a guess.....

OK, give up? Alright then, let me give you one more image and see if it rings a bell...

Yup, these are ALL interpretations of how Jesus appeared in the flesh.

I can hear it now, OH YEAHHHH! That's EXACTLY what he looked like! YEAH RIGHT! Realistically speaking, it's highly unlikely that Jesus looked anything like the images we've come to accept as factual (i.e. blue eyes and blonde hair) and the same is true of Dante. I wonder what they'll have THIS handsome guy looking like seven centuries from now....

Speaking of artists who create false images...

Bush's Plan

The United States "president" and proverbial leader of the free world spoke to the country and has publically announced his plans to send 21,000 more troops into Iraq. Mind you, Iraq is a country we "WON" the war in 3 years ago ("Mission Accomplished" remember?), but for some reason we're still there, uh... fighting... a.... uh.....war. According to his plan these additional troops will help clear the country of insurgents and complete the mission. Uh yeah, what the fuck! Which mission again? There have been 12 or so different rationales given for the American presence in Iraq and various overarching "missions" for the troops to "complete". Maybe one of the reasons most HAVEN'T been completed is because everytime one mission gets started, the administration provides another one. Not only have other politicians, Repulican and Democrat been denouncing this harebrained plan, but so have the military, the Pentagon, Average Joe Citizen, Charlie Brown and Zsa Zsa Gabor- and you KNOW you have to take her seriously! The ONE highlight of this whole campaign has been the capture of Saddam Hussein who as we know was tried, convicted and hung in a taped execution. Had he been smart enough to get out the country like most of his regime instead of hiding in a hole, maybe he'd still be on the run. So OK, I've tried to keep my blog apolitical, but this guy gets the Idiot of the Year Award. Not Saddam, Bushieboy.

Speaking of Saddam....

Iraqi Court Drops All Charges Against Saddam Hussein

In a surprising twist, a court in Iraq dropped all charges against the deposed Iraqi dictator, charges which included the mass killings of 100,000 Kurds in the early 1980's. This "vindication" would surely be cause for a joyous celebration in the streets of Tikrit for Saddam and his family, except for the fact that he's DEAD! Does that mean he was innocent of the all the crimes he was accused of all along and could still be alive today had he had just....stayed....
alive...one...more...week? Don't get me wrong, I don't feel sorry for the guy in the least, but really, after getting ribbed by the witnesses as he stood at the gallows waiting for the waning moments of his life pass, that's like pouring salt on a fresh wound. He's probably walking around sweating his ass off somewhere in Hades with Josef Stalin, Pol Pot and R. Kelly saying, "Dammit, I could've gotten off!" Oh well...Maybe some of us will be as lucky as OJ. Uh, don't hold your breath....

OK, that was wrong of me, I know... Speaking of the HEAT!

Warm January brings early Dolphins to New York's Shelter Island, Cherry Blossoms Bloom in D.C. and Polar Bears Hijack 800 Slurpee Machines from Canadian 7-11's

I DARE someone to tell me global warming doesn't exist!

A pod of dolphins arrived in New York's rich and famous Hamptons during unseasonably (read: ungodly) high temperatures in the easternmost part of Long Island. Residents were amazed to see friendly dolphins swimming and frolicking in the normally frigid Atlantic waters off the East Coast and took the time to leave their Hummers to photogragh the friendly mammals at play. Normally, these creatures would be enjoying warm water closer to the equator but for some reason, January is a nice time to enjoy New York (?).

Hmmm I wonder.....

At the same time, Cherry Blossoms began blooming in the nation's capital four months ahead of schedule, dumbfounding meteorologists the country over- one expressing dismay that one frost would doom the plants for the year. Hey, as someone who loves the heat and hates the cold, this global warming thing ain't so bad! First of all, there's no killer frost coming, second of all, my heating bill is lower than it's EVER been for a winter, third of all, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!

Speaking of running...

David Beckham is Coming to America

David Beckham is leaving Europe and coming to play in the US.

OK, you don't know who David Beckham is?!?!? Soccer? World Cup? Anyone care? OK I guess it's just me.

Anyway, the most recognizable football player (sorry) SOCCER player who is not named Pele has signed for 250 million dollars to play soccer in the US and HOPEFULLY make soccer a first tier sport in this country alongside steroidball, tacklethemanwithatrunkloadofguns, punchthecatwithastick and stab'emuproundball. At the very least he'll get a bunch of women interested in the game with his good looks...pretty muthafucka...

Speaking of pretty muthafuckas!

Grills Invade Atlanta Classroom

One of my first blog entries was about a kid in my class named Tre who wanted to get a "grill" (see above). I explained to him at the time that he should spend his money more wisely and get something useful instead and I thought my message got through- sike! This was our first week back from Winter Break and the FIRST thing Tre told me was, "Mr. Rahmaan, I know you're going to be upset at me, but my momma got me a grill for Christmas. I didn't want one but she got it for me anyway." All I could do was shake my head in disgust. But that's not it. The same day, ANOTHER kid in my class (we'll call him Jake) told me, I got a got a grill for Christmas too! Wanna see?" He reached in his pocket, pulled out a black pleather case and opened it. Sitting inside was a shiny, silver grill- molded perfectly for his teeth. Ugh. Just to make matters worse, the most annoying boy in my class, jealous of the fact that he DIDN'T get a grill for Christmas decided to front and wrap aluminum foil around his teeth just for the attention. What the hell is wrong with these parents?!?! WHAT the FUCK!

El Lonely Boy

2006-12-29T21:22:00.000-08:00

This has been one strange week. On Wednesday, Michelle's family spent the night at the house, and when I say her family, I mean her FA-MI-LY: Her, her mother, her two daughters (Naimah's mine!), both sisters, brother-in-law, two neices, one nephew and me. In case you didn't catch that, estrogen-8, testosterone-3.

Thursday night, I was able to go see my friends' band Goodnight Insomniacs play live but had to sit through a dreadful 45 minute set by one of the WORST bands I've ever seen first- Hubcap City. The best way to describe it is trashy, bad, tone-deaf country music with no melody, harmony or direction! Two guitarists (one out of tune), a drummer with one drum, a violinist and a guy playing the saw and a dented metal bowl. In Daniel's words, "It's almost like they're trying to suck!" I start talking shit about them to the bartender and come to find out, she's a BIG fan of theirs and booked them to play some private show for her. Oops. Insert foot firmly into mouth. Luckily Goodnight Insomniacs is one of the BEST bands I've ever seen (I'm biased, but I'm dead serious!) and they made the night worthwhile. Anyway, tonight- I finally had the house all to myself and I'm able to do whatever I want. But guess what I ended up doing.....I sat and wait for Saddam to die.

Yes, America, just like the rest of the bored ass citizens of this country, I sat my lazy behind on the couch, on a FRIDAY NIGHT and glued my eyes to the t.v. for two hours to await word of Saddam's eventual demise. I'm flipping between CNN (D), Fox"news" (R) and MSNBC (?) just to see who would win the "news" race to get the word out that Saddam has taken a flight on Air Noose to that sandy palace in the sky (CNN won by the way...). The differing coverage between the stations was very interesting though. They ALL said basically the same things, but CNN focused on what violent backlash is to come due to American involvement in the invasion, capture and trial. Fox"news" constantly showed images of mass graves, dead Kurds and Saddam with rifles and cigars. MSNBC was just plain boring. You know, they say that celebs die in threes and the three that died this week are a doozy in terms of their importance. Usually its ONE big celebrity and a couple of people our grandparents remember from their day- but not so this time:

First: James Brown

Not this James Brown...

...or this James Brown...

THIS James Brown...

...JB, the Godfather of Soul, the hardest working man in showbiz- a man that will NEVER be equalled for his music, political stances, and the amount of pride he gave to Black people in a time where we were still trying to define ourselves.

Then: Gerald R. Ford...

...the 38th president of the United States known for pardoning Nixon and um.....uh......hmm... I guess that's it. Interestingly enough, I met G. Ford when I was 12 but I didn't get that emotional high you're supposed to get when you meet someone of such importance. Any connection here?

and finally: Saddam Hussein...

(OHHH, you mean, right NOW, right now?)

...former dictator of Iraq and perennial pain in the ass. I'm not sure he qualifies for the "dead celebrity" triad though because he didn't really DIE per se, he was executed! There is a difference of course but since I can't think of another person to take his slot, he'll have to do.

Anyway, after getting bored with the "Saddam's dead" coverage for two hours I found myself watching these four Hispanic dudes from Texas play the hell out of the blues on Austin City Limits! I'm surprised there aren't people calling up Immigration right now to complain that the "Mexicans are taking the blues too!" Hey, no complaints here. They knew what they were doing!

The moral of the story:

Boredom and television do not mix. It turns you into a deadpan cynic. So here's to you Los Lonely Boys- apparently, I am now one of you....at least for a night.

Jo Jo, Ringo, & Henry- Los Lonley Boys

WTF

2006-12-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

I've had a bit of writer's block lately, but considering the fact that I'm officially on Winter Break, I have no excuses. So here's your week in What the Fuck?

The immortal Godfather of Soul died today.

'Nuff said.

It's gettin hot in hurr...

2006-11-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

When I was in my last year of college, I had a gay roommate from Ireland who was one of only a handful of White students who attended CAU- Clark Atlanta University. Though he was an exchange student, he was anything but the stereotypical shy visitor you normally would expect. He was a lively, arrogant guy with short spiky hair and a snappy wit most Americans aren't accustomed to. He was the type- if provoked- to verbally embarass someone in the worst way possible, and suddenly walk off without blinking twice, leaving the unfortunate victim speechless and mouth agape. Needless to say, he, like myself was a bit of an anomaly on campus and despite our different sexual orientations, we were a pretty good fit as roommates.

Anyway, he would always wear this white and purple t-shirt that simply said, "Tinky Winky made me do it!" but it wasn't until I read what the conservative, religious lunatic Jerry Fallwell said about a children's t.v. show that I understood the joke. Recall now, that Falwell rebuked PBS' "Teletubbies" as "bad for children because they promote gay lifestyles". His rationale: the androgynous Tinky Winky (that's the bastard on the far left) is topped with a three sided geometrical shape known to intelligent people as a TRIANGLE, but to him and his mindless followers, it's a sign of the conspiratorial gay agenda attracting kids. At the time I shrugged it off as whacked out lunacy, but now....

I'm starting to think that adults are more ignorant than children.

It seems that in more recent years, children's programs have been targeted by conservatives who complain about everything from Sponge Bob to Sesame Street. They claim that these shows are proof of a left wing conspiracy to liberalize kid's thought processes and teach (gasp!) TOLERANCE of all things. What insiduously evil genius thought that idea up? Until this week, the protests coming from the likes of the religious right have focused primarily on inhibiting children's exposure to homosexual themes in television, but now they've got a new cause, keeping children from being unintentionally exposed to the environmental causes of the day. The focus of their agitation this time around- cartoon penguins, yes PENGUINS.

There is some new cartoon flick out called "Happy Feet" where the main characters are a flock of Antarctic penguins who are starving due to overfishing. What's got their panties in a twitch is the fact that in the movie a) humans are blamed for the lack of food for the penguins b) human pollution negatively affects the penguins lives c) humans are referred to as "aliens"and d) the protagonist penguin dances too much. Now I might understand their anger if the main themes in the movie were untrue, but only a blind person could miss how horridly humans are contributing to the degredation of the environment, and even most of them know what the deal is. Of all things to be upset about in American society- war, drugs, racism, childhood obesity, poverty and mainstream radio- a cartoon of dancing, hungry penguins is what pisses people off. Neil Cavuto of Fox"news" said the movie was an "animated Inconvenient Truth" and that he "half-expected to see an animated version of Al Gore pop up" and even CNN's Glen Beck jumped into the fray calling the cartoon "propaganda". Huh. All this over a cartoon? Then again, I'm watching a Fox"news" report right now about a Florida man who's in critical condition after nearly getting eaten alive by an alligator. But hey, there's NO connection between a lack of natural gator food (fish) and humans now being a #3 combo meal on their menu, right? RIGHT! I guess teaching kids to appreciate the environment IS a real threat to the moral fabric of this country isn't it!

I've come to the conclusion that grown ups really know how to jack up a good thing by assuming cartoons and other kid's program have hidden agendas. As adults, we can see the interesting subtle nuances that we missed as kids, but I think these folks are really overestimating the impact these harmless shows have on children. Just to prove it, I want you all to come with me on a trip down memory lane to view the biggest t.v. influences on our lives from childhood. Since they want to bastardize cartoons, I want to delve into the ultra-conservative mindset real quick and join the calls to boycott children's television! If kid's shows really have a dark side that instill socially rehensible behavior, let's explore and decide for ourselves whether the shows from back in the day made us the way we are. Let's see how much "influence" they REALLY had on us: Shall we?

GI Joe: Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

Be a real American hero, just don't come out of the closet.... Although knowing is half the battle, if you "know" that you're gay, keep it to yourself.

Rainbow Bright: Leader of the Feminist Lesbian Movement.

Who could have known that all that "rainbow power" would turn a generation of little girls into man-hating gay women?

Flash Gordon: Exhibitionist.

With a name like "Flash" what do you expect? Blasphemous!

Fraggle Rock: Baseheads.

Look at their dialated pupils, wacky temperments and uncontrollable urges to always be moving. You KNOW they all had to be freebasin'!

Tom and Jerry: Sadomasochists.

Leather and chains anyone? No one, and I mean NO ONE loved the pleasures of giving and receiving painful discipline more than these two. This must be why children are so hard-headed. They just LOVE a good ass whoopin!

Statler and Waldorf: Drunks.

Who drinks tea at the theater? It's all about the liquor with these two winos. Folks who are inebriated tend to have loose lips and these guys talked stuff about EVERYONE! Terrible influence!

The Brain: Evil Marxist tyrant.

Damn Commies always want to take over! Kids will all want to be like Josef Stalin, kill their parents and try to rule the world after watching Animaniacs!

Pee Wee Herman: LSD advocate

Who else but someone on psychotropic drugs would have talking furniture, a REAL genie and a house band comprised of furry stuffed animals to play the theme music? Luckily he gave up the hallucenagenics and started watching porn instead!

Pepe Le Pew: Sexual predator.

Je suis un perverti*. Teenage boys worldwide can blame this skunk for their high testosterone levels and angsty adolescent moods- or at least use him as a good excuse for their lack of self control.
*( I am a pervert...)

Bugs Bunny: Drag Queen.

Blame the silly wabbit for giving men in dresses some legitimacy. He paved the way for the likes of Divine, Rupaul, and Dennis Rodman to paint their nails, don wigs and get completely in touch with their feminine sides. Where's Elmer Fudd when you need him?

Bert and Ernie: Gay lovers.

These two have lived together for 25 years, never have women come to visit, and Bert is a well dressed neat freak who collects paper clips. What else is there to say? I got it, "Ban Sesame Street forever!"

Santa Clause: (Fill in the blank)________

As I've said before, the jolly old fat man Santa is definitely on the sauce (among other things). Who would voluntarily live in the coldest place on earth, smoke a pipe containing who knows what, work in a toy shop with "elves", have a constant red face, "fly" through the air on a sled led by reindeer- the main one having a red nose, keep strange children on his lap and go on a crash diet that allows him to fit down chimneys? No Santa for my baby!

As you can see, any adult who digs THIS deep is bound to be upset about kid's programming regardless of what's on. They probably had an unhappy childhood and didn't get to watch the good stuff when they were young anyway. Too bad for them! Rather than let kids be kids and enjoy a few hours of wacky cartoons, they want to make a political issue out of it and take the best part out of it- the fun. Who knows, maybe they're still upset about the election and need something else to fuss about. Either way, they all need to grow up, get a life and get laid, -then maybe the rest of us can watch our mindless 'toons the way they were intended.

Pardon My French

2006-11-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

Pardon my French but what the FUCK! This has been a crazy week in the news and since the BIG election week, the media has gone into a drunken, comatosed funk- check that, it's been a damn deathroll tailspin! If I hear about Emmitt Smith winning that dance-a-thon or Tom-Kat's pseudo-Judeo-Christian-Scientology-cult-Italian wedding one more time.....

Anyway, here's your week in What the Fuck!

Flag Ban

The City Council in the tiny Nevada town of Perrump...uh...Pharrrumpp.....uh...Phrummpy...uh Parum, sorry, Pahrump voted 3-2 to ban flying a foreign country's flag unless the American flag is present right next to it- preferably above it. This town of 17 (ok, 40,000...) is located smack dab in the middle of the Mojave Desert, about 60 miles from Sin City itself. According to supporters, the ban was enacted in response to protesters waving the Mexican flag during demonstrations in major US cities earlier this year. Coincidently, none of the protests went through Phrummpy regardless of the fact that it occured at the height of the debate on immigration (I wonder why...) Although offenders could be fined up to $50 and sentenced to 30 hours of community service, no provision was given as to how the law was to be enforced, considering the small size of the police force and all the other crime that happens in Pahrump. To sum up the issue however, Jill Murphy of the Pahrump Valley Times wrote:

"There are times rights must be put aside not to invoke hate, discontent or cause riots to the intercity. Those wishing to fly another country's flag most likely never served this nation. Hanging it indoors should suffice. No need to advertise or impress passersby that your nationality its other than American."

Please forgive me but this immigration debate is getting ridiculous! You mean to tell me that in direct defiance of the U.S. Constitution, flying one of these flags is a crime and I might have to do community service because of how I choose to celebrate my heritage?

This woman, and folks like her are advocating the denial of rights to American citizens because they don't like how people use their right of protest, a right as simple as free expression?!?! So I suppose we should deny people the right to write on paper because it was originally made in China, or create an entirely different numerical system because we use Arabic numbers. How about banning gumbo? Why not! Okra originally came from West Africa, and you can't make real gumbo without it- so it makes sense right? Not only is this town's ordinance hypocritical considering that 98% of American citizens originally came from somewhere else, it's just plain ignorant. No one gives two shits about Pahrump, Nevada or the inbred citizens who want this law passed, and hopefully it stays that way. Chances are, the town sheriff would charge anyone for flying one of the above flags with a crime on sight if they don't have the Stars and Stripes with it. What he and other idiots in the town wouldn't realize is that the flags above don't represent other countries, they're the official flags of Denver, Little Rock, Miami and Philadelphia. Leave my civil rights ALONE assholes! What the fuck!

Eyelash Transplants

A couple years ago, J-Lo became the envy of women all over the country with her big, luscious ass. That affinity for her booty became a national obsession and led to a sharp rise in- what else- ass implants! Being the "trendsetters" Americans tend to be, some women felt the need to boost their confidence by putting saline bags in their butts to attract attention to themselves. Hey, it's kinda like weed- if you can't grow it- buy it, right? I thought at the time that it couldn't get any worse than that. But ohhhhho no! What was I thinking? According to Newsweek, eyelash transplants, EYELASHES now- are quickly becoming the next big thing in cosmetic surgery. They take 15-50 hair follicles from the back of the head and implant them into the eyelids of the patient to give them a fuller appearance. Though the procedure was originally meant for burn victims who have had their facial hair singed off, some bright cosmetic surgeon decided to market it to regular folks. The cost: $6000 for both eyelids. One such woman, Aleve Loh a 30-year old from Rock's own Little Veracruz neighborhood of LA, elected to get the surgery and this was her reasoning:

"I'm half Asian and I've got those Asian eyelashes, very short and straight. My best friend always had amazing huge, big eyelashes. I was like 'I want those!'”

Excuse me ladies for what I'm about to say, but someone needs to slap the biiiiyatch silly! Then again, what I just wrote makes no logical sense because she's ALREADY about as sensible as a tube of toothpaste! How immature are we that people envy EYELASHES of all things. C'mon now! I've got a new theory- Americans are officially bored with having money! We've found new ways to waste money that were unheard of just ten years ago, and some of us are more than happy to show the depths of our friviloty. Ten years from now I'll probably write a post about how people are getting surgically installed permanent nail polish and nostril implants. What the fuck!

OJ is back!

OJ Simpson is doing a highly publicized interview on Fox"news" about how he killed.....I mean could have killed his ex-wife and the guy she was bumpin' uglies with.

Three words: Retry his ass!

Damn that double jeopardy rule! He got away with it and now to earn some extra money, he's writing a book about how he "would" have killed them....."if" he had. It's one thing to get away with a crime that you committed, it's something else to talk shit about it- which is essentially what his book is. OJ gets the What the Fuck "Ass of the Year" for this one.

Hey Kid, Got (a) Jesus (doll)?

Toys for Tots got into hot water with conservative Christians for refusing to accept a shipment of 4000 talking Jesus dolls. These dolls come complete with moving arms, legs and head and say biblical passages at the touch of a button giving children a biblical lesson during playtime. According to the toy makers, the dolls are a great way for parents to educate their kids about the Bible as well as a fund raising idea for churches. On the contrary, Toys for Tots was started by the non-religious U.S. Marine Corps in 1947 to give donated toys to needy children around the country during Christmas and it has become the preeminant benevolent charity for its work. Determined not to be outdone by secular benefactors, the Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co. and it's subsidiary One2believe decided to donate the 12" dolls (regularly priced at $20) to Toys for Tots, expecting these dolls to be sent out to the masses. Citing a reluctance to offend children of other religions who might receive the gifts, Toys for Tots politely rebuffed the offer, incencing many religious citizens who threatened to stop their donations. Just to fan the flames, MSNBC set up a chat room to get people's reactions to T4T's actions and here is just a sampling:

>If you do not celebrate Christ you are not celebrating Christmas.

>The toys for tots program is not a religious based program and the rejection of talking religious dolls was correct. "Semper Fi"

>"Maybe I missed something here, but...Just how many Christmas presents do you send to Jewish and Muslim kids. Isn't that like the Chinese celebrating Saint Patrick's Day?"

>The first five letters in Christmas is 'Christ'. I hope everyone quits donating to this group. What a Joke!!! These other religions don't celebrate Christmas anyway!!!!!"
(Actually 'Christ' has six letters, but who's counting?- OK sorry, I had to put my imput in real quick on this one!)

>It really is just a subversive way to push religion on children. None of the pro-posters on this page would want their child to receive a Mohammed doll spouting Koran verses.

>Maybe we could send grenade throwing, missle launching, beheading dolls instead. Then no one should be offended.

>Christmas was actually hi-jacked by Christians from the Pagans and many other religions before that (if you knew anything about history).

>"You are an idiot. One toy maker tries to do something nice and because they are religious, you act like this. I believe people need the Lord, you most of all."

Ugh! I wonder sometimes about the people I share my oxygen supply with. The last post says it all really- some folks in the population somehow feel it's their religious duty to smother everyone else with their beliefs. While using benevolence to spread ideology is one of the oldest tricks in the books, regardless of the religion- I have a sneaking suspicion that, true to form, the Teddy Bear company felt compelled to use Toys for Tots to spread their holiday cheer -and their religious ideas. I have no problem with people who go out and prostelytize from the pulpit, on t.v. or even street corners, but using a charity to promote religion to KIDS is ridiculous, irresponsible and shady. In the end, Toys for Tots decided to accept the 4000 dolls after finding a suitable place to send them- and receiving a few death threats from Christian fundamentalists I'm sure. It's interesting that some followers of a man who preached peace, respect and prosperity for everyone- resort to disrespect, intolerance and violence to make a point.

WTFWJD.

The New Drug

Each decade seems to bring our society a new narcotic drug that causes havoc for the peaceful citizens of this nation. The 60's brought us refer, the 70's heroin, the 80's cocaine, and the 90's brought us crack. At the start of the 00's, crystal meth was poised to be the drug of choice but this week, the newest narcotic (a Japanese import at that!) has officially trumped crystal meth as the newest threat to young minds all over this nation for the decade. It's called Sony Playstation 3- also known as PS3, Black animator or Taiwanese sweatshop foolsgold.

It has just been released into the cities and towns of the United States, and it's the most expensive of all the major drugs out there- about $600 a hit- but already it's taking it's first victims:

Connecticut: A man is in stable condition after being shot in the chest and shoulder for not giving up money he had planned to use to purchase some Playstation 3.

Palmdale CA: The local Walmart was SHUT DOWN after a near riot erupted when customers clambered to get them some Playstation 3. As a result of this drug induced stampede, one man dislocated his jaw when he ran into a pole during the melee.

Lexington KY: At the local Best Buy, four people waiting outside to buy some Playstation 3 were grazed in a drive-by shooting as they waited for the store to open.

Englewood OH: Two men in ski masks and sunglasses robbed the EB store of it's stash of Playstation 3. After entering the store at closing time, the two thieves ordered the clerks to the back of the store and made off with the product- a street value of about $3000.

Orlando FL: At the Mall of Millenia, potential buyers were seen hiding in the bushes and under a loading dock the night before PS3 hit the streets in order to be first in line to get their hands on it. After a riot broke out, police escorts had to be called in to protect those who were able to buy Playstation 3. Despite the escort, one man was STILL robbed of his supply after leaving the mall. All this over a VIDEO GAME. What the FUCK!!!!

Nasir, if you EVER stoop so low as to get one of these dangerous new toys.......................

Let me know, I wanna play!

Lessor of two?

2006-11-07T15:35:00.000-08:00

Voting today was a drag. Really, a low-down-dirty-drag......NOT because I had to wait in a long line, NOT because the poll workers didn't know what they were doing, NOT because the e-voting machines didn't work. It was a drag because I've become politically jaded....worse than ever before.

I've been following the news lately and watching as the pundits in the media have been predicting that the Democrats will take over the House of Representatives and possibly the Senate. Republicans, wracked by scandals named Abramoff, Bush, Ney, Delay, Cunningham, Rove, Foley, and Iraq have been sweating bullets for weeks thinking that their collective asses are on the line and the precious power they've held since '94 is slipping from their grasps. Independants? Well, they're non-existent. Recent polls have even shown that Americans are wanting change and this election is supposed to be a showcase of our discontent.

'Scuse me a sec while I get sick....

because I'm starting to feel that it's all, well, as Nick the Greek would say- shite (pronounced: sh/eye/t). As much as I believe in the electoral process, the right to vote and change via elections, it seems to me that it's all a six-ton-truck-load of shit. We've all been reared believing that elections are the way the average American gets their voices heard, maybe even ascend to elected office one day. THAT though is a fantasy and it has caused me to become the apathetic voter I am as I've stopped caring about who's running for the most part. Anyone on ANY ballot in ANY city is RICH, has rich friends, and you'd be hard pressed to find a real "average Joe" running for public office. According to CNN, this year's election cost 1.2 BBBBillion dollars, more than any midterm election in history. Here's the rub though, most of that money is coming from corporate donors, not private citizens (i.e. most of these candidates are actually economic investments- and these companies will be looking to see a return...soon). So who's looking out for whom?

To find out, I decided to do what I've never done before and actually look up many of the candidates and read up on their qualifications and stances. I'm almost mad at myself for doing so, mainly because everyone seems to say the same redundant shit, no one stands for what I believe in and a lot of these folks aren't qualified to do their potential jobs (a la horse trainer and ex-FEMA director Michael Brown). In Georgia we got to choose between electing the corrupt-ass current governor and a corrupt-ass ex-Lt. Governor. For State School Superintendent, we got to choose between the incumbent who I don't like, and two people who aren't nearly qualified enough to do a better job (one a lawyer, the other a businessman- NOT EDUCATORS!!!). The Congressman running in my district ran UNOPPOSED and as I voted, I began counting the number of offices up for grabs- 35. Then I began counting the number of offices with only one person on the ballot, 22?!?!? So in other words, we had a "choice" in only 13 races and mathematically that means almost twice as many seats went unopposed as there were competitve races. I thought about putting Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck as write-in candidates, but I resisted the urge to make a mockery of the day- at least moreso than it was already. Next time around though, Huey, Riley and Granddad from the "Boondocks" are ALL getting votes. At least the comics are reliable. Fuckit.

Seriously though, I vote for only one reason: Historical Obligation. I am obliged to the hundreds of people who have died in this country fighting for equality for African Americans and other minorities over the years. Great human beings who were lynched, shot and firebombed in cold blood for preserving my right to simply cast a vote on election day. My grandparents- people who lived through The Depression, WWII, Jim Crow segregation, and the great Civil Rights Movement instilled in me from a young age that the right to vote is important and that I NEED to register to vote as soon as I turned 18 (which I did) and I've voted in every major election since. For a lot of people, elections are optional and some have even expressed that they were staying home. Sorry man, NOT voting- regardless of how jaded I am, is NOT an option and I cringe every time I hear a someone say that they didn't vote.

So here I am tonight, one eye on the computer and the other eye on CNN(D)/Fox"news"(R) and hearing these same pundits celebrating/mourning the incoming news from each state's precinct. The funny thing is that in this day of heavy competition on the national scale, the vote I cast, yeah, it didn't matter in the great scheme of things. The congressman- you know, the one running unopposed in my district....

LUCKILY though, he's Representative John Lewis.

His sacrifical efforts during the troubled days of the 50's and 60's helped give me the right to vote today- especially in the South. He survived those turbulent times while fighting on the front lines, taking the hits with the greatest civil leaders of the time. I like him and I support him completely. Unfortunately, he's one of the few in positions of power who seems to have the people's interests at heart, and always has. Maybe each one of these newly elected jokers should get a mandatory knock or two on the head to make them understand what it truly means to represent the people....Can I put THAT on the next ballot?

Lying to the kids

2006-10-22T14:04:00.000-07:00

"Ya know, I think drugs have done some good things. If you don't think drugs have done good things, do me a favor- go home, take all your albums, your tapes and cds and burn 'em! Because all those musicians that have made all that great music over the years and has enhanced your lives....RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRReal fuckin' high on drugs...." -Bill Hicks

A few weeks ago, I had a lengthy conversation with The Counselor (find her link at the right- "Psychologizing Parker") about the magical fat man, St. Nick. It went a little something like this:
The Counselor: Since you don't celebrate Christmas, are you going to allow your daughter to believe in Santa Clause?

Me: (without hesitation) Nope, not a chance.

TC: But don't you think she'll be missing out on part of her childhood? Don't you think Santa allows children to have a sense of imagination that they wouldn't have otherwise?

Me: Honestly, Santa is the first big lie adults tell children. Eventually, you have to recant the lie and tell them that there is no Santa, breaking kids hearts in the process- same thing with the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and the Boogey Man! I grew up without Santa, but I had one of the most vivid imaginations ever! Besides, I think television, video games and talking toys do more to hinder a child's imagination than a lack of Santa.

Then she said something she NEVER says so easily.

TC: Yeah, I guess you're right....

Being that we've been friends for damn near half my life, we've spent many occasions sharing ideas, arguing back and forth trying to mentally outwit the other on all kinds of issues. Needless to say, I've got a huge amount of respect for The Counselor and her opinions, even when we vehemently disagree. But I had her on this one- and she knew it. Now don't think I'm being critical of parents who do take their kids to visit the Jolly Old Man at Lenox Mall. I'm not- you enjoy the beautiful Spirit of the Season in whatever way you do, it's just not what I plan to do with my kids. That being said, you can guess that the act of adults lying to children makes me a bit irritated, but it's not even Santa that chaps my ass the most, it's actually the mixed messages regarding drugs.

This past Monday, these two overweight, out of step, donut-eating-rank-above-mall-rent-a-cop police officers were invited by the guidance counselor to talk to the entire 4th grade about drugs. The first thing they did (which is what MOST speakers seem to do before they delve into their harangues) was to pop in an anti drug video and as the video faded from black to color with my kids watching intently, a vaguely familiar feeling came over me- almost de ja vu-esque. I remembered the beat from somewhere, then the singing....It ALL came back to me when THE JETS popped on the screen singing the short film's theme song on a prefabricated stage before a prefabricated crowd of prepubescent 80's kids. All I kept thinking to myself was WOW I remember this! Did you hear me correctly? THE "I got a crush on you..." JETS!!! Do me a favor and sing the song for a second and reminisce about what little boy or girl you had a "crush" on back when you were little, cause ALL of you were little when this damn anti drug video was made! In fact, you may have seen it when YOU were in 4th grade, I know I did!

The Jets. Don't front. You liked 'em too!

Anyway, the next scene opens up and this 12 year old kid named Bobby is offered a drink by a group of ragtag roughnecks in torn jeans and denim jackets under a set of shady outdoor bleachers. At that moment, the scene switches to these plump, furry Fruit of the Loom type characters who are supposed to represent the kid's brain, liver, kidneys and other organs as they piss and moan about why he shouldn't drink as it will affect them each individually.

The brain: He's got tickets to the concert and he'll be too drunk to go!
The liver: If he takes a drink, I won't work properly!
The kidneys: Don't do it!
The lungs: His girlfriend will smell it on his breath!

So Bobby walks away saying "No thanks" and the body organs cheer as acknowledgement that the kid made a good choice. The video then goes on to show the kids how alcohol causes major problems in the body, how to stand up to peer pressure- yadda yadda- and he ends up happily riding his skateboard to the Jets concert, dancing with his girlfriend and singing the original theme song, "Be smart don't start, be smart don't start..." Fade to black.

The officers begin a short discussion with the kids about alcohol and drugs and tell them to be smart and stay off drugs. They then ask the kids to name drug featured on the program they just watched. Here are some of the answers the kids shouted out:

Cocaine! (not in the film), marijuana! (not in the fim), crack! (not in the film), heroin! (not in the film), vodka! (not in the film), Hennessey! (not in the film).....You see where I'm going with this...

Then one kid FINALLY shouts the one word the cops were waiting on

Alcohol!

After a few points on drugs and alcohol, they tell my kids that they've been well behaved and then get them to line up. As they are lining up to exit the band room, the GUIDANCE COUNSELOR says, "Since you've done so well, you each get three pieces of CANDY!"

Freeze.

Newsflash: Today is Halloween and I wish I could take tomorrow off. It's not because I'm sick or need a serious mental break, it's because the day after Halloween is PURE HELL at school. Tomorrow, kids around here will be running around like crazy, jumping off walls, scratching each other's eyeballs out, fighting each other, and acting completely out of control because of what you ask? CANDY! "Crack for kids" is REALLY what they should call it. According to Wikipedia, a drug is:

"any biological substance, synthetic or non-synthetic, that is taken for non-dietary needs"

Sounds like it fits to me!
Alcohol is bad for you, but candy isn't! Mixed message number one....

Now back to your regularly scheduled program.

I had to shake my head amidst all the cheering children because overindulgence in sugar (and a lack of proper excercise) is the main cause for overweight children. You can imagine how I feel walking the halls, side by side with children who are a third my age, half my height and equal to me in weight. I'm no heavyweight by any measure, but there is no excuse for a CHILD weighing the same as a GROWN ASS MAN! But I digress. The dated video of the Jets made me realize a couple of things:

1- It wasn't a realistic dipiction of peer pressure in the slightest. When kids get offered drugs, it's usually by someone they know, respect and admire, (i.e. their FRIENDS)- not by the bad ass, riff raff flunking-out-of-school-kids who end up working the local car washes.

2- Alcohol is LEGAL and it's hard to push the message to kids not to drink when they see commercials, billboards, PARENTS/SIBLINGS drinking liquor when they get home from school.
People who do drugs are bad people. Mixed message number two.

3- It makes no mention of any other illicit drug, which seems to be too little, too late considering my kids can name different drugs by BRAND NAME....

4- A few years ago, DARE, the program behind the "Just say NO" campaign found that it's programs are ineffective. In other words, this "war on drugs" is fucking futile....

5- Pharmaceutical companies aren't called "medicine companies", their called DRUG companies. Drugs are profitable. Mixed message number three.

The problem is that kids aren't receiving the RIGHT messages about drugs. All these anti-drug programs feature friendly puppets, singing children and brightly lit color schemes- almost as if they're selling damn cupcakes with vanilla icing! (Drugs are happy!- but they're not supposed to be. Mixed message number four.)

When I was growing up, my dad would drive me around to the jacked up parts of Denver, point people out and say,

"You see her right there? When I first came to town, she was a BEAUTIFUL woman, hips and everything....Look at her now, bone thin, dirty clothes, out on the streets with no where to go. Nobody wants her."

As if on cue, I'd say,

"What happened to her?"

And his response would always be,

"She started smoking that shit...."

For years we'd had the same conversation again and again, and over the years as I grew older, my fear of ending up like those people on the street grew with me. It wasn't those videos and corny, out of date pop songs that kept me off of drugs, it was the images of the walking dead that did. I'm eternally grateful to my father for taking the time to show me what drugs really do.

THESE are the types of images that kids should really be viewing during drug awareness week. Trust me, after seeing how a person may look after years of drug use, kids will think twice before doing drugs. The war on drugs should be psychological, not physical.

Time, energy and billions of funds have been wasted to combat the illicit drug trade, arresting drug dealers and users, drug awareness education, treatment programs- and to no avail. Obviously they ALREADY know different types of drugs by the time they're in 4th grade and they didn't learn that from me. People rich and poor continue to use drugs despite the risks of jail, failed health or worse. In fact drug users are the only people incarcerated in government jails for comitting a crime against themselves! Hmmmmm.... So here's my solution. Legalize. Tobacco, alcohol and candy in excess are harmful, so why not open the gates and allow people to legally fuck themselves up with anything else? One of the reasons I advocate legalizing drugs like cannibis, (marijuana), cocaine, and even heroin (in complete disagreement with the counselor!) is because the people who do it, do it because they WANT to. They all received the messages that drugs are detrimental to the body, but they still chose to do it. Good for them. Empty out the prisons of the drug users and make room for the pedophiles, thieves and murderers. Use all that excess money spent to feed and clothe them and send camera crews out to videotape and photograph people on drugs, their families that are affected and the horrendous appearance of their bodies after years of drug abuse. Create MILLIONS of videotapes and photo albums and send THAT to each 4th grade teacher in America to do lessons with their kids on how it affects their bodies. No mixed messages there. At the very least, if my students ended up on drugs, they REALLY can't say they didn't know....

FYI I've been teaching other people's kids for six years and I have YET to take a state mandated drug test. Yes, read that last line again. Your teachers can do drugs (wooo!!!!), but you can't. Mixed message number five

It Ain't My Fault

2006-10-19T09:55:00.000-07:00

Remember the days when you were a kid and if something got broken around the house, you'd be the first to point your finger at the person standing closest to you? That was a maneuver called "diverting attention"- a skill you learned real young as a way to keep your ass safe in the event belts came out and all hell broke loose! I know I did it, and unless you're an only child, you did it TOO! Once you got a little older you learned the rules of engagement for the "blame game" and found that you could come out looking squeaky-clean if you were able to get away with something you actually DID. If you got REAL good at it, you were able to get your siblings to take one for the team- even if you WERE the real culprit! Eventually, you got a little older and wiser and some noble idea called "taking responsibility for your actions" came about. This is where you started realizing that in order to be considered adult-like by your parents, teachers and peers, you had to acknowledge your wrongdoings and make amends. Sometimes this involved walking up to the owner of the house whose window you broke and offering to pay for it, or admitting that you stole a pizza from a teacher (a crime that was blamed on the two innocent Black kids!!!), or making a tearful plea for forgiveness. These simple acts of maturity go a long way to assisting the growth of your fragile teenage self worth and improve your levels of respect in your community by leaps and bounds. That being said, why is it that THIS asshole can't do it too?

In case you've been refraining from watching the news lately (and who can blame you these days) this is former Florida Congressman Mark Foley who resigned after he was discovered having a LOOOOOONG history of emailing sexually explicit messages to male congressional pages (i.e. teenage peons who get coffee, copies and file shit) . After been outed by a newspaper and consequently resigning, Foley's first excuse was, "I'm an alcoholic and I need treatment." OK, alcohol impairs your ability to drive, it doesn't CAUSE you to make passes at other men. His next excuse was, "I'm gay". OK, being a gay man makes you attracted to other men, it doesn't CAUSE you to make passes at teenagers. His third excuse was, "I was molested by a priest when I was young," and this is the guy he's referring to, Father Anthony Mercieca:

OK, being molested by a "man of the cloth" may give you a fucked up perception about sex AND religion, but it doesn't CAUSE you to solicit sexual favors from a teenager- via EMAIL at that! It's true that most sexual predators were sexually abused themselves, but here's where the Foley story gets interesting though. This Mercieca guy is STILL a member of the Catholic clergy, but now resides on the tiny island of Malta. When asked about the molestation allegation, the priest says "We were friends and trusted each other as brothers and loved each other as brothers," but it wasn't sexual....Oh, right....Tell us another one. It sounds like he's taking a page straight out of Michael Jackson's book. Oh, but it doesn't end there! Apparently, this "brotherly" friendship included "massaging the boy in the nude, skinny-dipping together at a secluded lake in Lake Worth and being nude in the same room on overnight trips." The Dragon and I have been friends for 12 years, lived under the same roof for at least nine but I have NEVER, EVER, neverevernevereverneverevernevereverneverevernevereverneverever seen him nekkid, much less masaged each other in ANY way OR skinny dipped together in some steamy lake in the middle of nowhere. He is my brother-from-another-mother, and we're tight, but we ain't THAT tight! Now get this! The priest claims that he was in a "drug-induced stupor due to a nervous breakdown and couldn't clearly remember what happened". Alright now, I've heard enough and I know you have too! How far does the blame game go? Foley blames his perverted emailing habits on alcoholism, his newly outed homosexuality and his priest for his conduct, and the priest continues the cycle by blaming his pills and a nervous breakdown that somehow caused him to have a two year "nakedrelatiafriendship" with Foley.

It seems to me that had Mark Foley resigned and disappeared into obscurity, things would be going a lot smoother for him right now. But like the egotistical lunatic he seems to be, he and his lawyers keep fanning the flames. It's almost as if Foley's not taking his fall from grace too well and he's hoping that this PR stunt of his will cause people to feel sympathy and forget what he has done. Maybe he's thinking that two or three years from now, he'll be able to get back in the race and once again campaign for a congressional seat- with all the other corrupt, perverted, maniacal mofos who have YET to get caught. Hell, Marion Berry did it- and he was smokin CRACK!!!

All I'm saying here is that a simple "I fucked up, please accept my apology" follwed by a quick timely exit would suffice, and in fact would more than likely be welcomed. Then, CNN, Fox"news" and the like can move on to more pressing issues of the world, like say, Madonna's African baby adoption or the new video game Bully- but alas, we live in the US of A and for some reason, people tend to focus on insignificant shit and quickly forgive for the wrong reasons. "I'm sorry" that I ain't one of 'em....

Tag?

2006-10-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

As you can see from the date of my last post, I've had a bit of massive writer's block. Blame it on stress or lack of quirky and interesting topics, I don't know. Though I won't burden you with an egotistical rant about why I should be missed (ala Pee Pee Man), I will say that in the course of three weeks, I've started writing two different posts that went nowhere. The first was about large cock-a-roaches, headless fish and Ted Nugent (don't ask...) and the second about elementary school friendships. Needless to say, I woke up today knowing that I had taken the day off and somehow found a whole lot of inspiration:

This morning I turned on the tube and the first news story I see on CNN is about "Tag" a favorite childhood game- along with dodgeball, football and other "contact" chasing games- being BANNED at Willett Elementary School in South Boston. I could feel the tape player in my head (I'm a child of the 80's!) doing a rewind, trying hard to comprehend that a GAME, called TAG was BANNED! Huh?!?! You mean kids can get in trouble for chasing each other around on the playground? What a novel idea! Why don't we start suspending kids for wearing these "new" mohawks or having on dirty clothes or smiling even? I think I could get a lot more done during the course of the school day knowing that my classroom of candy mouthed, glucose injected, hyperactive children can go outside just to sit down against the building rather than follow their instincts and run around like a herd of stampeding buffalo. That's EXACTLY what we need at school!

(ugh, so HE'S the reason why there's a bunch of kids running around my school like this?)

As you know already, I'm a 4th grade teacher and I've been working at the same school for 6 years. If you ever visit my place of employment, you'll notice two things, a) our school building is fairly new and b) there is a large field in the back with JUST GRASS. No slides or jungle gym(except for 1st grade and lower), no goal posts, no paint. Just a large grassy area surrounded by trees. The beauty in the simplicity of our field is that the children have to use their imaginations and figure out how to best use it when we go outside to play. Some kids grab footballs and play "Tackle the Man" (which was called "Smear the Queer" back in my day, but I guess that's not PC these days), some kids play dodgeball, other kids just look each other in the eyes and all of a sudden bolt from their starting positions chasing each other around and around, almost as if they stole each other's lunch money! What would I look like having to start class tomorrow with this speech:

OK class, time to settle down. I have an announcement to make. From now on, when we go outside, you cannot chase each other on the field, play tackle football, or throw balls at each other.

Can you imagine the puzzled looks on the faces of my 9 and 10 year old kids? The smart ones would ask, "But why Mr. Rahmaan?" and I'd have to explain "It's a safety issue and the school administration doesn't want you to get hurt." Most kids would begrudgingly accept it and move on, thinking about their first assignment of the day, but the intelligent ones would be looking for loopholes. "So Mr Rahmaan, can we walk quickly after each other and softly throw the balls when we play dodgeball? What if someone is running towards you, not chasing, but running towards you? Can you run away from them, but only for a few seconds, just to make sure they aren't chasing you?" That puts MY ass into a cunundrum. Then I have to say, "Ummmmm... Well, walking quickly after each other is alright, but throwing nerf balls at each other, even softly is not okay. Wait! No, walking quickly isn't okay either....but....ummm...." Who looks like the idiot now?

To be fair, I read the article on the issue to get both sides of the story and they interviewed Gaylene Heppe, the principal of Willett Elementary School and a couple of parents whose children attended the school where the ban was put into place. The principal said, "Recess is "a time when accidents can happen." and one parent, Celeste D'Elia, said "I've witnessed enough near collisions," and that her son feels safer because of the rule. My question is, what war-torn, mine field of a country did these people grow up in? "Near collisions"? We're not talking about close calls between two jet fuel powered F-16's here, we're talking children. Of course accidents will happen and some kids will get hurt, but do we need to sign a waiver everytime they scrape a knee? I'm mean REALLY, what has happened to our society that people want to ban things like water guns, video games, music and TAG, but REAL guns are just fine?

One simple answer: LITIGATION (no offense Mama Zandile!)

My kid got broke his arm because you let him run around outside- so I'm suing you
My wife got lung cancer from smoking your cigarettes- so I'm suing you
I gained 300 lbs. and have heart disease from eating your greasy ass burgers- so I'm suing you
MY kid wandered into YOUR yard and got bit by YOUR dog so I'm suing you

How about this, my head hurts from all the bitching from you irresponsible assholes, so I'M suing YOU! The true rationale behind the ban on Tag is not a safety issue, it's that schools are afraid of getting a host of lawyers knocking on their doors seeking compensation. If you really want to protect kids, get them from in front of the fucking t.v. and put their fat asses on bicycles! Recess is much more than a physical activity, it's a learning environment, one much more effective than the confines of a stale classroom. Diplomacy is a word most kids can't even pronounce, but it's a life skill that they learn when they're choosing teams, establishing rules and working out disputes amongst themselves, ALL on the playground. Take that from them, and you take a valuable tool that will help get many of our kids out of unwanted situations in the future. Trust me, the kids in my class who play well on the playground are the ones who are liked and respected by their peers. Those who walk around by themselves and don't play or associate with the other kids outside, well, they usually have a harder time getting along with their classmates INSIDE and are essentially outcasts- already. Man, I hope this thing doesn't move beyond the walls of Willett! It would be a shame for the "adults" of this nation to hijack the one adult-like activity children are allowed to freely participate in, as kids...

While we're on the subject of children, have you heard the LATEST excuse from that perverted punkass, ex-congressman Mark Foley? He's next on my list! I told you I got inspired....

Chain Mail and the Movies

2006-09-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

Remember those days when you'd get those letters from some asshole in Madagascar that said if you didn't copy the letter and send it to 200 people, you'd have bad luck for 7 years? (I think my sister actually did it once) I just got one from my brother Kiyotoe aka Cp aka The Dragon who got it from someone else. The punk. I have to fill out this movie thingy or else I'll be suffering some serious bad luck. I mean, I'm not superstitious or anything but I'm doing it just in case. Dammit, man! I wanted to bask in the glory of my blog about old nasty nekkid people for a while. You really know how to mess things up....

1. The last movie you saw in a theatre, and current-release movie you still want to see:

Pirates of the Carribean II- what a shitty flick! I wanted to like it since I really dug the first one but it wasn't happening. The more I thought about it, the less I liked it- sometimes you just have to leave a good thing alone. In fact, I'm starting to feel the same way about The Flavor of Love.... The movie I want to see next is Idlewild. Outkast is the best thing to happen to hip hop since the Roots.

2. The last movie you rented/purchased for home viewing:
Sucker Free City. Spike Lee is definitely genius!

3. A movie that made you laugh out loud:
The Golden Child. "I waaant the kniiiiiife......pleeeese." Ahhhh, Eddie was great back in the day. Nowadays, not so much....

4. A movie that made you cry:
I ain't no sissy like Kiyotoe who could cry watching Bambi. He's the sensative type... (just jokes homes!). I have yet to see a movie in my adult life that made me cry, but when I was a kid I cried at the end of "A Pirate's Movie" Don't ask.....

5. A movie that was a darling of the critics, but you didn't think lived up to the hype:
Star Wars: Attack of the clones. As a kid who grew up with Luke Skywalker, Lando Calrisian and Yoda as heroes, I was expecting George Lucas to come with something a lot better than that shitty half movie- half cartoon. A close second was Brokeback Mountain. I really have to wonder what the Academy folks are smoking when they prop a movie like this up before it even hits theaters. I'm just glad someone else spent their money to rent it.

6. A movie that you thought was better than the critics:
I wish I could answer this honestly but I rarely read what critics say about anything, much less listen to their opinions. If there's a movie I want to see, I go see it. Then again, most films I see are "crazy indy movies or subtitled" as some would say and they don't normally get the attention of the Eberts of the world.

7. Favorite animated movie:
Charlotte's Web is something I could watch even as an adult!

8. Favorite Disney Villain:
That big crazy steroid-injected rat from the The Secret of Nihm! I get the shivers just THINKING about that scary mofo. I don't think that was Disney though- DAMN! Alright then, that scruffy, knife wielding Mongolian fucker from Mulan. For claiming to be a "child friendly" organization, Disney sure puts out some violent films!

9. Favorite movie musical:
The Sound of Music. I just might be a sissy for that one. Are men even supposed to like musicals?

10. Favorite movies of all-time (up to five).

In no particular order (drum roll please...)
1. The Color Purple
2. Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
3. The Usual Suspects
4. Good Will Hunting
5. Bamboozled

honorable mentions - 25th Hour, Four Brothers, Twin Falls Idaho, The Idiots, and Being John Malkovich

Tag five bloggers to answer the movie meme: Pigeon Toes, Muerto de Risa, AmbanDenva, Woozie, Rock and my favorite Russian-Igor (I know you're #6 and don't have a blog yet, but you can post here as a guest if you like....)

Old Folks

2006-09-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

I read yesterday that old country crooner Willie Nelson up and got himself busted in Lou-si-anna for possession of mari-ju-wanna and 'shrooms. But instead of spending the night in lockup, he was "cited" and released back to his tour bus where he immediately hit the road to continue his cross-country tour. Apparently, some cop pulled over the oversized Winnebago and upon boarding the vehicle, instantly smelled the sweet, smoky flavor of Chronic. Being the "serve and protect" kind of officer he was sworn to be, he immediately arrested Willie and his entourage of other middle-age and elderly men, hauling them off to jail. Rather than holding them there (as is the protocol in most states....well, that's the protocol if you look like ME, that is) the arresting officer decided to give them a TICKET for drug posession and send them on their merry way. My first reaction would normally be, "How unfair- damn celebrities ALWAYS getting off!!!" Au contrere mon frere. Instead, my first thought was "What a smart cop. Good for him! How dumb was it to arrest him in the first place?" Most of us have grandparents who are Willie's age or older, and we ALL know the struggles the elderly go through on a daily basis just trying to make it to the next day. Weary eyes, old creaky bones, and uncontrollable bodily functions make life pretty fucked up if you ask me. However, Willie's arrest REALLY got me thinking about how stupid it is to arrest an old person for ANY petty crime (rape and murder don't count- sorry, we gotta have limits somewhere). Let's think about this for a second:

- They've lived through The Great Depression, went to school with no shoes-in the snow- walking uphill (both ways)- no books-no lunch-no dinner-no roof-no telephone-no t.v.-no toilet paper, WWII, Jim Crow, Korea, Vietnam, and fuckin' Disco- so you can't tell them SHIT!

-They've witnessed the deaths of some phenomenal examples of human wisdom and courage and also witnessed the ascentions and elections of some phenomenally ignorant fucks (sorry Rock, your boy Georgie included! Tune in to the next installment....)

-They've got arthritis, osteoperosis, hip, knee, shoulder replacements, high blood pressure, hypertension, gout, sore joints, diabetes, bad hearts, irritable bowel syndrome, high cholesterol, prostate issues, glaucoma, wrinkly skin, constipation, skin ulcers and BAD ASS, WHINY, SPOILED ASS, BRATTY ASS, SMARTMOUTHED GRANDKIDS. Jail might as well be a damn walk in the park.

- Most old people have experienced a good portion of their friends and family die. Who the hell's gonna be there to bail 'em out anyway?

Needless to say, I think they deserve more than a few "Get out of jail free" cards. Let the old folks have a little fun in their final years on earth. If they get a thrill from robbing banks, shoplifting, slapping the shit out of people, carjacking, streaking, throwing soiled Depends at buses or smoking WHATEVER, who are we to deny them a few fleeting, yet exciting moments? Some don't even need our permission. Hell, a few years ago nine nursing home residents in England got evicted for conducting an orgy to celebrate someone's 90th birthday. I might be a little perverted sometimes, but I couldn't POSSIBLY make THAT shit up! In fact, I sent a link to some of you when I heard about it. You remember that don't you?:

A group of nine elderly English residents were kicked out of their nursing home after having decided to celebrate their friend's 90th birthday party in style and with gusto ... by having an orgy in the recreation room! The oldsters, ranging in age from 73 to 98 lit candles, slathered baby oil and played music to create the sexy mood. The three romeos and six seductresses boogied for about twenty minutes until a staffer, on hearing the rumba music, went to investigate."They hadn't gotten too far -- I guess it was taking some of the gents a while to get started," said the unidentified staffer. "But they were all naked. Believe me, it was the scariest thing I've seen in all my life!"

Why were they booted out?

"This may sound harmless or amusing to some people, but Scarborough has a reputation to uphold. We cannot tolerate that kind of conduct!"

As my boy Alex Desert said in "Swingers" (no pun intended...) "Fuck rep!" Would you rather be known as the nursing home that booted some old folks for collectively indulging in the most natural of human needs- or would you want to be known as the one place in town that allows recreational sexual escapades for the elderly when someone hits the big 9-0? That's good for business! You'd never, EVER have a vacancy!

I know, I know, visualizing our grandparents doing the same debaucherous shit we young folks like to do now is a horrible thought. But, if we're lucky, we'll all get to that point in life when our own bad ass grandkids will be traumatized by the thought of their old wrinkly grandparents doing nasty stuff. Hopefully, the world will wake up and let us get away with it....

Yo Willie! Take another drag.

The "Price" of style

2006-09-08T08:24:00.000-07:00

Ron Price is my newest hero! For those of you who are asking yourselves, Who is that? check this out. I was watching CNN yesterday and stuck in between the report on Bush's arrival in Georgia and the report on the repetative shit he said in a speech to a hand picked, Republican, Cobb County audience- was a report on Ron Price's effort to better his community. He's a Dallas School Board member who is actively seeking to get an ordinance passed to ticket and fine grown ass men who publically walk around with the top of their pants saggin' below the bottom of their asses, a national phenomenon known as "saggin" (they said it just like that in the report! well they used "deriere")

As a teacher who frequently has to stop kids in the hallway and have them pull up their pants, or in extreme cases get yarn to substitute as a belt, I have a devout appreciation for his efforts. I often drive home from work seeing young cats hangin ass-out on the corner or walking down the street as if there is a lump of shit wedged between their thighs. Now, Price is not my hero because he wants to institute a Soviet-era standard of dress, he's my hero because I think it's about time someone stepped forward to take a stand against what I call "pointless fashion statements". I've never been into fashion, followed what clothes are "in" for the moment, or ever cared about what people wear on the gatdamned red carpet. What I DO take notice of is the shit people wear that makes absolutely no sense what so ever. CNN was asking "Where does it stop? Do we start ticketing people working at bikini car washes too?" I say HELL YEAH! Get 'em all! And these are the folks I'd be writing up first:

Saggers- Saggers would at the top of the list mainly because the ONE part of the human body that will always smell worse than smelly armpits is YOUR ASS. Clothes serve two purposes, 1) covering your essential body parts 2) hiding whatever odor is naturally emitted from your body. If your ass is hanging out, chances are YOU STINK and the folks standing next to you with their asses out probably stink too. Considering the fact that there ain't no such thing as "ass deoderant" just yet, it might be wise to simply pull em up.

Punishment- $20 for the ass out and $75 for stinkin up my space with your ass pollution

Women in high heel shoes- Women, this is for your own good, trust me. I know, I know, shoes are an essential accessory to every woman's wardrobe, and some would argue that the shoes are more important to an outfit than the outfit itself! If that's true, why not just wear the shoes and nothing else to work? I'm sure you'll get whatever you want from your co-workers that day- but I digress. My problem with the high heel shoe is that women have a hard time walking in them, and that's because they make the shoe two sizes two small for your actual foot and you end up with corns, bunyans, hard pads and soreness for days. "But these shoes are so cute!" they say, or "These go SOOO well with my orange blouse!" Women wear these "cute" creatures two days in a row and they can't walk for a week afterward. Risa told me one time that those new super-pointy shoes were SO "in" that women in NY were having their pinky toes amputated so their feet can fit in them more comfortably. What the fuck? When those shoes go out of style, like, six months ago, you have to live the rest of your life with 8 toes and a lack of proper balance! Get some sneakers that match or a pair of comfortable kicks to go with that sexy dress. Honestly, if you look good, you'll look good in anything. You could probably walk around barefoot and the guys wouldn't even notice. Right MEN?!?!?! (RIGHT!)

Oh damn, I forgot. Women dress to impress other women- not men! How jacked up is that.....

Punishment- return all tight, too small, ugly and otherwise uncomfortable shoes to the stores you got them from OR donate to the male transvestite of your choice. Let HIM suffer a bit and realize that being a woman is hard work, especially when you have to deal with them catty, low-down dirty, female critics all the time!

Trendy frat boys who wear shades on the back of their necks instead of on their faces- as if ANYONE really has eyes in the back of their head (except my momma!). I want to meet the fool who thought this was innovative and slap the shit out of him. I was on the tram that carries airline passengers from the gate to the main terminal in the Denver airport and there is this group of three Trendies ("vesties" as we called them back in the day -only my sister and Amber will get the reference). All three of them were dressed exactly alike, (khaki shorts, polo shirts) and all three had shades on the backs of their necks! Don't ask why this annoyed me so much but I HAD to find out where this trend comes from and this is what I discovered. There is actually a very practical purpose for it:

The Australian Magpie is fairly agressive towards humans, so much so that these birds are known to swoop down and attack people from behind as they walk down the street. What they have suggested is that people simply wear glasses on the back of their necks to keep the magpies at bay.

above: punk ass bird

Hmmm. I can only conclude that some frat boys went to Australia on Spring Break and saw all these Aussies walking down some street in sunny Melbourne with backward facing sunglasses. Being the conformists frat boys tend to be at times, they all turned their dark glasses backwards thinking it a novel idea rather than a practical magpie deterrent. Upon arriving in the States, other conformist frat boys saw the new "style" and joined in, spreading the fad across the nation. Now there's a large herd of college age kids walking around looking silly. Man, I LOVE being an individual sometimes....

Punishment- $200 and a quick slap in the face for being impractical, and an additional $100 for being a cheeseball and wanting to be just like a bunch of other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs who want to be like other cheeseballs...

The "oops" thong- For most men I know, this sort of thing is quite sexy- in fact there are websites dedicated to the occurence of the thong that pops out in the most inopportune and unsuspecting moments. But call me an exception to the rule. If I'm sitting at some outdoor restaurant about to dive into a plate of pasta, the LAST thing I want to see is THIS:

Sorry ladies, no double standard here! Men need to keep their asses tucked safely away and so do the lot of you! Some women actually buy pants specifically for the sole purpose of showing off their underwear to the public, but truth be told, a man would much rather see your thong in the privacy of his bachelor pad, not in the mall. Now, I know designers are cutting pants lower and lower around the waist every year, but be strong and rebel! Be beautful, not tacky.

Punishment- slap on the wrist....(hey it's a minor offense)

and finally:

Men in leather pants- (This violation excludes motorcyclists) I had the longest argument with my mom about whether men should be wearing leather pants.

Mom: "They're in style now!" she said.

Me: "They were in style when Cameo and the Gap Band were on the charts! These days it's a no- no."

Mom: "Your dad wears them!"

Me (sarcastically): "Uhhhh, that's not supposed to convince me is it?" (sorry Dad.)

See, the thing with leather pants is that I remember being a little kid and listening to my parents' albums- Earth Wind and Fire, Lou Rawls, Kool and the Gang, Midnight Star. The album covers were always outta sight and I remember thinking how cool their clothes were and I wanted to dress JUST LIKE THAT when I grew up.

Twenty years and a whole lotta sense later I've realized the error of my ways. No one wants to dress like they did back then and with good reason. Tight leather pants might have attracted a few women, but their balls had to suffer because of it, and who wants to live life with hurtin' balls?

Punishment: $80 for still living in the 80's and community service with John Wayne Bobbit.

Feel free to list some fashion no-no's of your own!

Crikey!

2006-09-04T04:44:00.000-07:00

My heart sunk this morning when I turned on the computer to check my email and read the news, and there it was in bold type, "Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Killed".

OH SHIT!

It was one of those feelings you get when you're watching your favorite tv show and your favorite character- the one you completely relate to- suddenly and unexpectedly dies. I don't mean that fake ass, hollywood, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, suspicious-could-come-back-one-day deaths, I mean dead, gone, forever never to return- dead. You stop for a second in disbelief and question yourself (he's dead?), read it again, "Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin Killed"....and then it sinks in, he's dead. MAN.....

Now I didn't know the man personally, but we go back a while. I was in college when I saw this cat on t.v. for the first time, and while a lot of my peers were busy watching BET's Video Ass Planet after classes let out, I was watching Steve Irwin's crazy ass. He came on the Discovery Channel every afternoon and was definitely the most fearless mofo I'd ever seen in khakis and hiking boots. I was always watching animal shows, ever since I was little and I've witnessed my fair share of daring, wild naturemen in my day, Jacques Cousteau, Marty Stouffer, Jack Hanna- but Steve Irwin put all these guys to shame! He took it to the next level, showing you the most unique aspects of Mother Nature's creatures up close and personal-like, with his BARE HANDS. He was the closest thing I knew to a real life t.v. superhero (sans cape)- running through the woods and grasslands to grab the world's most poisonous snakes with ease, and dodging bullet-like strikes from the fanged serpents just in the nick of time. That shit got me excited because I always expected him to get jacked up just once, but he always managed, somehow to escape certain death. He's gotten bit quite a few times, and allowed his audience to see that even he is susceptible to mistakes in the bush.....but I guess his luck has officially just run out.

As I read on in the article, I was expecting his cause of death to be plane crash or car accident- something along those lines, but oooooh no, not the Crocodile Hunter, he wasn't goin' out like THAT! He died when a sting ray he was filming near Australia's Great Barrier Reef jabbed him through the heart with it's stinger. How's that for irony? The aim of his shows was to document the world's creatures, most of which none of us will ever see with our own eyes in their environments, but his personal aim in life was to bring a little appreciation of these critters to our homes and minds, and it's pretty safe to say he's achieved that. In fact, whenever some ugly six or eight legged critter comes into my classroom these days, my students don't even try to squash it anymore like they used to. One kid is usually brave enough to get a cup or a piece of paper, kneel down, catch it and carry it safely outside, returning it to the place where it belongs- alive. I guess more than a few creatures can thank Steve Irwin for that.